Such a special evening!!

I had such a special evening last Saturday at the Polyhymnia concert.

The concert went so well and I was feeling like being in a heaven all the time.
What made the evening special is not only the music, I had a lot more!!

Many of my friends were there:
Marge, Rita, Cricket, Bruce, Sig and Dorry, Hsin, and Ann from Friday Night Group.
Ieva and Togu, Lisa, Jonathan from my neighborhood, Park Slope, Brooklyn.
And Pastor Eugenia and Dinah from the nursing home I was volunteering.
Also, I met several friends from The Western Wind workshops.

I felt especially overjoyed to have Dinah there. She is my piano student, we had several lessons together. Also, I feel like she is my mother at the nursing home. Whenever I cried or was discouraged for some reason, she gave me snack, such as cookies, chewing gums, crackers, chocolates, and it soothed me so much.... I'd been very much hoping to invite her to my concert. Actually, we had tried it once. I invited her to the Columbia Collegium Musicum last November. She made a reservation for the Access-A-Ride, however, somehow, she couldn't get the car. I heard from the pastor that she cried a lot when she knew she couldn't make it. The next time we saw each other, we hugged each other and cried and cried together for a long time. I felt so sad and thought I wanted to invite her again.

This time, by the great help of Pastor Eugenia, Ieva and Togu, she finally made it!

I was so delighted when I saw her at the pre-concert lecture hall. I was sitting down one of the chairs but I couldn't help myself standing up and came over to her as soon as I found her there. We hugged each other. She kept saying "I'm so happy" and I felt the same thing. We handed in hand so tight for a while as if we were confirming our happiness together. It was the first time we saw each other since I stopped going there in the beginning of January.

She enjoyed the concert so much. After the concert, I introduced her to all of my friends being there. She enjoyed chatting with everybody, saying, "Please take care of my daughter, Naoko." I was so glad to be able to introduce her to everyone.

She couldn't go downstairs to join the reception, so they went to a cafe afterward. I joined the reception to say thank everyone for a half hour or so and headed to the cafe. She said it was her first time to have joyful time at a cafe in over the past many many years. Attending at a classic music concert itself was also very special for her. We enjoyed sandwich together happily.

Although we had to wait the car coming to pick her up for another 45 minutes or so in front of the church building in a cold air at midnight, I didn't feel any cold at all because I was filled with happiness. I believe everybody there felt the same way that night. The car came 11:30 and she left with a big smile. Still now, I feel so happy as I remember this, writing....



Another thing made that evening special was..... I had my best friend, Lisa, there! She told me that she was attending her relative's birthday party in Connecticut, so might not able to make it. I didn't expect she was there, so I didn't know she was there until I saw her after the concert. I was so overjoyed to see her there and couldn't stop myself crying and crying... They drove and drove after the party. I was so impressed with their doing it for me. We hugged each other so tight and I was so happy. And she loved the music, that made me happy, too! We shared the joy together next morning and reminisced the happy time...




I feel like the Friday Night Group people as my family now. They appreciate my every accomplishment with music with me. Whenever I get lost with my music, they are always there to help me out with open arms. I would join the singing session with them on Friday night and get back my confidence again. I have only several more Fridays with them. I cannot believe we have to say good-bye so soon......


The concert evening became such a memorable time for me. I will not forget that evening in my life.

I cannot wait to get the recording and let my husband listen to it!!!



Now, I have to move on.....
I'll be appearing a small concert this weekend at my friend's apartment.

I'll be singing a solo piece with Togu's accompaniment , a quartet piece with Hsin, Rita and Sig, a duet piece with Richard, and accompanying a Dowland piece with viola da gamba by Virginia for Caroly singing. I have a lot of separate rehearsals this week also I have practice by myself. I have to work hard so that I would not regret the precious time with all of them!

feeling of no one and everyone

I finally recovered from a cold and feel so happy to be able to sing comfortably!


I'm going to sing at the Polyhymnia concert this coming Saturday.
I've been joining them only for this concert.
I was given this opportunity from my friend, Marge, who were singing with them for the past several seasons. She cannot make it this time and asked me to sing with them. I was delighted to be asked to sing among such an excellent smaller ensemble.


When I first joined them in January, I was so nervous and worried if I could do OK or not....
There were only two altos, including me, that evening.
Then we started to sing.
I was so surprised with how beautiful they sounded!
And I couldn't believe I was in it!
I thought it would be really great if I would be allowed to join them.
I was so glad when the conductor, John, said to me "See you next week, Naoko!" in the end of the rehearsal.


I have a special feeling whenever I sing among the choir.

I feel I'm no one and at the same time I'm everyone. It's hard to explain but....
I feel like my voice is melted with everyone's
so I don't feel like I'm singing at all....
or I feel like I'm singing but my voice is not only my voice
but everone's voice is sounding from my body or so.

Or.... I'm singing
but it feels like my voice is up in the air with everyone's voice,
dancing around, enjoying the music altogether!!
Like angels of voices are up there and smiling to us.

I don't have to worry about anything.
Just enjoy singing.


I hope you see what I mean.

I have to say good-bye to everyone in the choir after this concert. I'll definitely miss them. When I had to say good-bye for the C4 members, my heart ached a lot.

I should feel happy. Yes, I should feel so because I was given such a great opportunity to sing with them even for only one concert. If I didn't have this opportunity, I would not have known this wonderful feeling, a feeling of both no one and everyone.

I'm so excited about singing in this concert.
It's going to be beautiful.
I'm sure.


If you want to see me singing there, just come and listen to us!

communicating doesn't mean understanding

I was thinking about this a lot yesterday.

For the past few days, my singing practice hasn't been working well and I cannot trust my ears, I hate my music, voice, timber, tuning, everything. Then I even think I should stop singing at all, maybe not now but after going back to Japan...? Because it is too hard. Yesterday, suddenly, I got sick and tired of putting any effort on music, an evil thinking! I thought, "Maybe I have bad bad ears and I never recognize good from bad, then I cannot improve myself at all, I cannot be a good musician at all."


Then I thought, how other people hear their own voices? By their inner ears, or by recording of their voices?

Then I thought, oh, I never know how other people feel about it because I cannot become others.

Then I thought, it's so sad somehow.

We communicate with each other, sometimes, desperately, to understand each other.
We spend hours, days, months, years, or for life, to understand people we love.
Sadly, we cannot truly understand anybody.

The fact saddened me.

One of the reasons I started to learn English language is to communicate with not only people who speak my language, Japanese, but also people who speak one of the major languages, English.

The more I learn English, the more I feel a limit which I feel I can never overcome.
I believe my English has improved somehow since I started to learn it.
But I am often told that my pronunciation or tone doesn't blend with other singers maybe because my mother tongue is different from others. Then I see the darkness.
Yes, it's natural and I maybe cannot get rid of my accent.
I feel so sad..... that makes me want to stop everything I'm doing now.

When you love something a lot, and put lots of effort on it,
You'd feel a big wall and get overwhelmed.
I know I am thinking too much.
I should take everything easier.
I know.


But I believe,
Thinking a lot about something teaches me.


I thought, yesterday,
we never truly understand others because we cannot become others,
Compassion might be the most difficult feeling to have.
But we should never give up to understand others,
We shouldn't.
When we give it up,
The world would become so cold.....

I don't give it up.
So I should continue to communicate with people.
I should not stop it.

Then I shouldn't stop music also?
I don't know the answer yet.

Why I make a relation between music and communication?
Maybe because I think playing music is a great way of communication, great when it goes well.
Then I would think if my playing music is a good communication or not..... then ..... not sure about it.


I hope I can find a good answer.

My mother's favorite

After work yesterday, I went to the music library at the Lincoln centre. I didn't have specific things to check out in my mind.

I felt like I wanted to listen to a good examples of singing, so I went to the voice music CD shelf. I started from A-B section. A man was there. It was a narrow aisle.

He said, "Oh, sorry, I'll be out of your way soon once I find the one I'm looking for."
I said, "No, please go ahead, I have nothing particular in my mind, just looking around, so I'll start the other side, take your time!"
He: Thank you!
I: Enjoy your time!


Then after a while, I finished to look at the other side and went back to the B section again. He was still there.

He: Hi, again! Look I found it!
I: Oh, great! What did you find?
He: A Bach's cantata.
I: Wonderful! Do you sing?
He: No. Actually, this is my mother's favorite.
I: Oh, that is sweet. Enjoy it!
He: How about you?
I: I'm a choral singer so I'm looking for some music which I might want to sing.
He: That's the best way to do it! Enjoy exploring your music!
I: Nice talking to you!

I think he is in his late 50's or early 60's.
How sweet he is to listen to his mother's favorite music.

This warm exchanging soothed me a lot.
I love being in the libraries.....

18th wedding anniversary

Today, March the 2nd is our 18th wedding anniversary!

We had our wedding party on March 2nd in 1991. I think about 250 people came to celebrate us, including 4 choirs we were involved in. Each group sang for us beautifully. My husband conducted for some pieces and I played the piano for several pieces in my wedding dress.

We first met in 1987 when I joined his conducting choir as an alto singer. My friend's brother was singing there and asked my friend and me to join. Actually, I was not so happy at that time so singing among the choir once a week became my joyful time. After a while, I was asked to become a pianist for another university student chorus, for which he was conducting, and I said yes. We saw each other more often and became good friends. We talked about music after the rehearsals, we thought of how we could make the sound better, how we could make the singers improve.....


After four years, we hold the wedding party and started to live together. I can't believe 22 years has gone since our first meeting!!!!

We have been good partners all the time both when we were doing music and when we were doing other things. We enjoy walking together. We love going to the library and explore our own favorite books for a while, we would go to a cafe then show each other what we got. We love spending time with our cats, just doing nothing special. We love going to the Koshien ball park to cheer up our favorite team, the Hanshin Tigers. We love traveling together both domestic trip and overseas. We love eating out together. We love talking over anything. We have never been tired of sticking together.

Now, for the past 11 months, we have been apart from each other. We had thought we would miss each other terribly, however, to our surprise, we have been enjoying being away from each other. We would chat almost every day by Google talk, we e-mail each other often. He would listen to recordings of my performances, practices, lessons, and give me his honest comments. I would read his writings and give him my comments. We feel like we are enjoying two lives in two different places together, so two times enjoyable!


I feel greatly thankful to him to let me do this staying in NY for a year experience. And I feel so happy that we are enjoying this experience "together".

This 18th wedding anniversary will be memorable for me. Thank you, Takao, for your continued warm support. I love you!

another music into my memory box

There is something I do every time I finish my performance. Putting the music into my suitcase to bring it to Japan when I go back.

Today I put all of the C4 music into my memory box. The pile of the music became so high!

There will be four more performances to go. The Polyhymnia concert on March 14th, a small ensemble concert at my friend's apartment on March 21st, The Columbia Collegium Musicum in Hasse opera on April 4th, and finally The Columbia Collegium Musicum concert on March 14th. My departure date will be on April 16th.

I cannot believe I won't sing among C4 anymore. I fell like I've been with them for years although I joined them just for the past two programs. It started when I met the several members at the Western Wind workshop at Smith college last summer. I sang with three of them and was really impressed not only with their talent but also with their warm caring personalities. I thought I wouldn't able to see them again, I never imagined I could sing with them again, but to my surprise, they asked me to have an audition for C4 in the end of summer, which I had. Since then, time passed so fast. I got puzzled, struggled, and moaned to catch up with everyone. At first it was difficult for me to get the conductors instructions. I often didn't get where to start, where to put the dynamics, changes, nuances.... With my colleagues help, gradually, I became to enjoy every rehearsal very much! They are mostly much younger than me but they took care of me a lot!

I feel really lucky to be able to join them even for just a short time. I'll never forget this precious experience with them.

The last weekend concert was just wonderful. All the time I was singing, I felt we were all together, we were living in the same musical world with a great joy, including the warm audience!

In Japan, I was not so active as a choral singer. Recently I often think about what I want to do as for my choral life after going back to Japan. Am I looking for a choir I can belong to? Do I want to organize a new one by myself? Or do I do nothing with it just keep going with the elderly choir conducting as I was doing before coming here? I haven't reached the answer yet. But I'm sure this C4 experience has affected my musical life a lot not only for now but for the rest of my life.

As just a month and a few days left for me being here, I really feel, every experience,

from long-term one like working at the nursing home, joining the choir for a few months, relationship with church people, living with my loved friends for few months,

to a short term one like a wonderful meeting on the street, at the library, at a party, on the subway, the bus, even exchanging a word,

will be my precious precious memories.


My memory box, both practical one -my suitcase- and spiritual one -my heart- , will absolutely be full when I go back to Japan next month!!!