Naoko's Journal

making any negative event to be positive

2011-05-16T00:30:00.000+09:00

I'm trying.... trying what I put on the title of this entry.

I've been practicing my piano quite hard since the quake occurred, I guess. I don't know why. No I knot why. Because, I want to forget something negative. I want to ignore something unhappy. I don't want to see the sad scenes on TV, newspapers, and so on.

The situation with the nuclear plants in Fukushima has never been seemed any better. Every time new information reported it makes everything worse. Now it seems our government and the electric company intendedly has been hiding some very important information which is crucial and bad.

Today we felt doomed as we watched the documentary program on NHK about the private research project by some nuclear specialists for the past two months. We learned that the situation in Fukushima, or perhaps not only Fukushima but also around that area or perhaps in wider areas, has been much worse than we had known it, or we had been informed by our government.

After watching it, I thought... then what? Yes, I got angry: why the government didn't tell the truth? They were afraid of the panic happening? They were afraid of too much worse reputation going around? They were afraid of losing trust? Then I thought.... if I were living in that area, and the government told the truth to us, would I have believed them? I wouldn't say so. I wouldn't have believed them and would have remained there with the personal property, with the pets, with the beautiful nature, the wonderful home town. I don't know what would be the best solution for this very very difficult questions.

Where are we going? "we" means not only the people living in the area, but also all Japanese people, also all people in this planet. Where should we be going? What should we do about this?

I might be escaping from something I don't want to think about by practicing the piano, by singing, by being into music, by enjoying eating good food, just for now, then what? Life is short. It's true. But we have children. They are not our own children but children of the earth. The earth should be going on and should be thriving, not only by means of development of technology, but by means of seeking the best way of living our lives on this very beautiful planet. The blue planet, the lovely earth.

I hope what I'm doing, music, talk, eat, restoring my energy, to be helpful to something, to someone I love.

I don't think what I wrote today makes any sense but I just wanted to record what I thought today, on this very day.

good night anyway... from Osaka, Japan.

Naoko

cannot keep my promise...

2011-04-28T00:48:00.000+09:00

I'm lazy. Yes, I am. I cannot keep my promise that I keep updating this blog as every day as possible. But I'll try it as "often" as possible for my record.

Yesterday, I had my private student. She herself is a piano teacher in her community. I met her at the church where I teach the church choir. She is one of the organist there. She is getting a piano-teacher grading test next month. She is coming to my place to train her piano technique, sight-reading skills both for singing and piano-playing. Her questions to me are always inspiring. She is not only a good player but also a wonderful mother, a good Christian and most importantly, a wonderful human being. I'm glad God made us meet and let us become good friends!

When we realized we just kept going for three hours yesterday and exhausted wonderfully!
I'm sure she will pass the exam and step up to the next level!

Today, I had a vocal student in the morning. She bought a new PC and is going to attend a class where she learns how to use the PC and go to the Internet. She asked us to set up the PC so came back to our place in the evening. After setting up the PC, we helped her to get a gmail account and taught her how to go to the Internet briefly. Although she is in her 70's, she is so smart that she learned it really quickly! We had a good time together.

After she left, we enjoyed watching the World Figure Skating competition on TV. Today was Men's short program. I was so impressed not only by the Japanese skaters but also the Canadian skater, Patrick Chan. He was just amazing!

Time flies. It's already midnight. Tomorrow, I'll have another piano student and then we are having the "Golden Week" holidays. Takao won't have to work for the consecutive ten days. We are planning to makeover our piano room during the week.

That's all for today.
Good night from Osaka, Japan!

Eel dinner with my mother

2011-04-26T08:39:00.000+09:00

Yesterday, I had a vocal student in the morning and the Monday choir in the afternoon.
I join them as a rehearsal pianist (I was told to accompany for the concert but I hesitated so offered to help them just for the rehearsals) and also as a trainer when they do sectionals.
At the end of the rehearsal, two members approached me to say "I love your sectional! You tell us how to sing, how to use our body, how the melody goes, how the rhythms are shaped, everything is very clear and easy to follow. Many of us recorded your sectionals and listen to it again and again! Thank you for your help!" How wonderful to hear this kind comment! I was so glad!

After that, I went to Uehonmachi station to meet my mother. She wanted to know how uncle Osamu's funeral went. We chatted for an hour till Takao joined us for dinner.

We enjoyed eel meal for dinner. I guess having eels are rare in western countries, right?
People eat eels when they need energy. We were very much energized!

Happy Easter!

2011-04-25T09:15:00.000+09:00

We attended the Easter service at Hiraoka church yesterday.

The choir, which I've been teaching once every two months since a few years ago, offered three Hymns during the service and one Hymn during the love feast (Easter celebration luncheon party). The members sang beautifully. We had a good time.

I saw one of my private student there and we sang next to each other at the service. She is getting married soon. Her soon-to-be husband was there, too! She had been hoping to find a good partner for a long time so I was so glad to see their happy faces! We are invited for their wedding ceremony being held at a hotel chapel in an island in July. Very much looking forward to it!

good family reunion by my "brother", Osamu

2011-04-24T00:21:00.001+09:00

I'm back from the funeral.
I was both mentally and physically hard. Not only because of having to face the death but also having to deal with complicated relationships. It was tough. really. Still, I was so glad to see my relatives. Some used-to-be-kids became wonderful grown-ups and worked beautifully at the funeral. I was so amazed and impressed to see the three children, 33, 28, and 22 of my "brother" supported their mother and played important roles by helping each other. I could see how the family relationships was great by seeing them.

Now I'm short of sleep and feel muscle ache after the two days of running around to look for needed things from a shop to another, taking a person from this place to another, organizing things, people, trying to be calm, trying to be helpful, trying to be accessible, trying and trying.

I realize now that I had no time to feel sad because it was all of a sudden. Even when I saw my "brother"'s dead face I could not believe he was dead. His lips were shaped like he was smiling. He looked as if he started to speak any moment.

Then when I was among the 6 people who carried his casket, I felt the weight of the dead human body. Then when I saw his bones after being cremated, I finally realized he was dead and disappeared in this earth as an real-life figure, became a spirit.

I was told that he died when he was sleeping. He must not have had any pain. He was found dead in the morning by his daughter. Many of the relatives said it was a kind of an ideal way of passing away, no pain, no hospitalization. I agree with this perspectives except the family was not ready to say good bye to their loving father or husband. It'll take so much time for them to accept this.

I felt glad when his children told me that they were glad to see me again and glad to be able to build up our loving relationship from now on. They are really lovely. I love them a lot and I will love them as I loved my "brother".

After the hectic two days, I got home at midnight last night.

Today, I had two piano student and recorded a song with my piano accompaniment and singing voices by the students, their mother (used to be my voice student and currently an elementally school teacher) and Takao. This recording will be used as a karaoke for the mother's students at school. The singing time was lovely and healed my exhausted spirit.

Tomorrow will be Easter!

Happy holidays, everyone!
Good night from Osaka, Japan!

No more funeral please....

2011-04-21T00:28:00.000+09:00

I attended a funeral last Saturday and put away the mourning dress right after getting home. Usually I'm lazier so I'd leave it hanging on the wall for a few days then would put it away to the wardrobe but this time I did it right away. Then I need it again now...

This morning, when I was having a piano lesson with my private student, the phone rang and it was my "aunt". She said her younger brother, my "uncle" had passed away early in the morning.

I put quotation marks with "aunt" and "uncle" because they are not real aunt and uncle.

My mother became an orphan when she was small. Her parents disappeared somehow and she was adopted to a relative family, I believe it was her distant uncle's family or something. The family members were the father, the mother, the elder daughter and the younger brother. She took care of the children when she was early teenager and left them at the age of 15 or 16 to the Osaka city center. After she got divorced with my father, she couldn't raise me up because of her job and perhaps for my health reason (I had delicate lungs because, my mother told me, she took me to the lung tuberculosis hospital when I was a baby, where my father was hospitalized.) She asked an elderly lady to take care of me for a few years. I was raised up by this lady at the age of 1-3 in Kochi prefecture, Shikoku Island.

Then my mother asked her adopted family to take care of me. So I moved to the family when I was three and lived with them until I got 10 or so after the mother and the father both passed away in six months. I called the son "my brother" who was 12 years older than me and the daughter "my sister" who was 16 years older than me. I called the father "my grandfather, and the mother "my grandmother".

The life with them was not so sweet. The father was in bed all the time due to the after effect of stroke. He needed to be cared all the time. The mother was suffering asthma so cannot go out for grocery shopping.. The children just started to work when I was there and they were in the negative period so came home late and barely were at home. It was my role to do grocery shopping in the mornings and evenings, to go to the doctor to receive the medicine for the mother. I actually enjoyed the roles as a calculation game or something.

They were my family then. All of them were important for me.
After the daughter got married, I often visited their new apartment and took care of their children like my younger brother and sister, fed milk to the babies and played with them.

The son lived with my mother and me for a few years and then had some trouble with my mother and left home.

As I got older, I became away from them more and more because of several reasons...... family troubles, religious troubles, money... perhaps. There are ups and downs with every life and some times it hinder you to keep in touch with each other.

More then 5-6 years passed since I last talked with the daughter, "my sister" this morning and the message she brought was so sad. The son, "my brother", passed away. He was only 60 years old and was so fine till last night. He had dinner with his family and then didn't got up this morning. His family found him dead in the bed. So sad....

I need my funeral dress again, so soon. It'll be held in Wakayama, 2-3 hours train trip from here.

God, please give comfort to the family.

How unpredictable a life is.

OK I have to keep my energy for tomorrow.
Good night from Osaka, Japan.

had a good time with my piano lesson

2011-04-19T23:59:00.000+09:00

My day often start with this, yes, practice!!
I practiced the piano for three hours this morning, had lunch quickly, then headed to my teacher's place. I restarted my piano lesson last December. I met my teacher about 17 years ago and had lessons with her for the next two years or so and stopped seeing her. This time, we've become not only a teacher and a student, but like good friends with the same interests. Sometimes she talks about her grandchildren, who are elementary students. Both of them are so talented with music but don't like practice. She is worried and cares about them but they don't like to be cared. I understand, I'd often say. I used to hate practice, really hated it! I didn't like to see my piano teacher when I was 6-7 years old then stopped the lesson with her. I almost hated her not because of her personality but because she was a piano teacher. Then as I got older, inspired by several occasions or people, I realized how happy I am to be able to do music, to be able to learn the beauty of music, to be able to explore the true meaning of the piece I play. The more I get interested in the piece, the more I want to improve my technique and my knowledge..... So I would say to my teacher, "Don't worry! I'm sure they will be appreciated with the beauty of the music some day and spontaneously, will become to want to improve their music ability then! Now they are just in the age of resistance, that's it!"

Her suggestions to my piano are always challenging. Speed, powerfulness, deep sound, nonstop once started, good balance between the melody and the backing part. After getting her suggestions, I do my best to improve my piano for the next two weeks till I see her next time.

Now I'm mainly working on the first mov of Schumann's Sonate No2 for the school's student recital which will be held in mid July. Supplementary materials are Czerny 50s and Bach pieces. Every piece is challenging for me after not having any piano lesson for the past 15 years. Takes hours and hours to be better. But nowadays, I feel much more comfortable to play the pieces compare to the time I restarted lessons last December. I'm so glad I decided to do this again!

Music building work is so sacred and I love the time when I polish the pieces by myself and then bring it to my teacher to share the result of the two week work. Sometimes I fail to improve myself, then try harder for the next days. It's because of my teacher I can try hard. If you don't have anyone who listen to your improvement, you would lose your motivation.

In the end of today's lesson, my teacher told me that..... I might be the last player at the student recital, which means, I guess, I'm doing good with the Schumann so far.

The biggest problem for me right now is I have to memorize the piece till the performance day! When I accompany with a choir, it's OK to see music but for the solo performance I'd better not see the music, I agree. But I haven't done that for a long time, playing from memory.... It seems impossible for me for now, but I have to overcome this difficulty, I want to do it. Again, life is short, you should try anything you can enjoy your life, this is it, I think.

When I can make it, I think and I hope, I be a better piano teacher for my loving students!

Oh before I forget, our Tigers won by walk-off victory tonight! The players of the day was Ryota Arai who newly joined the team this season. We were so glad to see the new family made the team win!

Good night from Osaka, Japan!

nice meeting an amusing lady!

2011-04-18T23:27:00.000+09:00

Practiced the piano in the morning for both my private lesson tomorrow and another choir's repertoire where I'm joining as a pianist, then made a ham and veggie sandwich for lunch.

On Monday afternoons, I'm a pianist for another choir where my friend is a director. The choir is holding a ten-year-anniversary concert in June so they are working very hard on that. Last week they decided which earrings to wear, this week the board members brought several blouse candidates. This will be their first formal recital so they want to wear same outfits for the occasion. Personally, I don't like all choir members wearing some uniform for a concert but this is so popular here in Japan especially among lady's choirs. For example, if a choir's concert has four stages, they might wear four different outfits, like a fashion show! Amazing!

Anyway, we had a good rehearsal.
Today's main topic came after this.

After the rehearsal, I said good-bye to them and went out to the street alone. When I was crossing at the crosswalk, I saw two elderly women had the same trouble. The street was not only for cars but also for trams. So it was bumpy due to the tram rails. The two ladies had difficulty to put their walk-assistance push pulley forward, they were stuck then the light was going to turn red. I naturally approached first one of them and helped her cross the street, then went to another lady.

Two ladies said thank-you to me with smile and I thought it was the end of the story but was not!
Then the first woman asked me where is the subway station and she wanted to go to Senri station by it. Actually I was quite surprised to hear that because the woman seemed so weak. She could barely walk even with the push pulley. Her back was bent over. Even the sound of her breath was weak. I anyway told her the direction to the station but very worried about if she could get there by herself. Currently a big construction is going on around the station so the sidewalk to there was so bumpy also and I didn't know if she could get the elevator or the escalator to the subway station underground.

So when I realized I was saying to her, "OK I'll go with you! I'm not in hurry. I have time!"

Then our journey to the station started. Usually, if I'm alone it should be only 10-minute walk but this time it took us more than half an hour to get there. I put my left hand on her pulley to make it stable on the bumpy street. She had to stop every two minutes or so to recover her breath. Then after 10 minutes she couldn't recover just by stopping so I offered a suggestion that we could sit down on a metal pole beside the street which protected the roadside trees. Then after drinking some water and had a rest, we again started to walk. Till we got to the station, we became good friends as you can imagine, my friends!

We enjoyed chatting while sitting down and walking. She apologized me again and again that she troubled me. Then I said it was OK with me! Our conversation went like this!

She: You must be in a hurry!. I'm so sorry to trouble you!
I: Never mind! I have time. That's OK.

She: I used to live here 50 years ago. This neighborhood changed a lot!

I: I used to go to a college just closed to here. I know it's been changed a lot!

She: Why you are so kind to me? You really are very kind. I don't know how to express my greatefulness to you!
I: You know, I was raised up by elderly people till I got 10 years old so I love talking with senior people. I'm enjoying now!

She: Where are you from?
I: I'm from Higashiosaka city.
She: Oh so far away! (it was in Osaka city where I met her)
I: Not at all, just 30 minute train ride! Listen I also direct a senior choir in my community. I love music. Today I'm on my way home from another choir rehearsal.

She: Oh really? I love music, too! what you sang today?
I: We sang what called red and white flower song. Do you know? (I sang it to her)
She: My favorite music is the Requiem by Faure! (here, I was quite surprised that she is such a classic music lover!)

I: Oh, I love the Faure's Requiem so much, too! I sang it before (then I sang "Requiem eternam" to her) and also I once played the organ part for the music!
She: I was wondering that you must be a good singer because even your speaking voice is like singing bird! My another favorite is Bach!!

I: wow!!! I love Bach, too! I've sung several Cantatas and also John Passion!
She: You are very nice, thank you so much!
I: Never mind! I enjoyed chatting with you. And listen we are all the same. I also am going to be helped by others when I get older. So everything is going around. You just accept my help and I'll get another help by another person, right?

She: right! Thank you! I'm sure something good is going to happen to you!
I: That's very nice to hear! I'll be so happy if something good happens to me! That'd be because of you! Thank you in advance!

Then we got to the station finally and said good bye.
I didn't introduce myself and she didn't either but I have a feeling that we would see each other again! It was a wonderful meeting and that made me smile all evening!

Tomorrow will be my piano lesson day. Go for it!
Good night from Osaka, Japan!

Baseball day! Thank you, Rakuten Golden Eagles!

2011-04-18T09:17:00.001+09:00

Yahoo! We made it! The weather was perfect for baseball watching, thank God! The staff of both Rakuten Eagles and Koshien stadium were so kind and friendly that they gave us good place tickets for my friend with weak leg and back, let us use the elevator, led us to the seats with warm welcome atmosphere.

We had gotten there an hour earlier than the game started so we could enjoy everything, watching warming ups, eating Rakuten original Bento boxes! .

Here are the Bento boxes!
These are only sold at the home stadium so usually you can buy them only at the K-sta Miyagi stadium in Sendai city, so special!
We enjoyed them very much!

My friend, Fumiko, and I with big smiles!
We not only enjoyed the baseball game but also enjoyed talking. Between the innings, she told us about her baseball-related memories. She used to go to the ballpark often with her recent passed away younger sister and the son. They wen to not only professional baseball games but also to the high school baseball tournament at the Koshien stadium a lot. She said it was more than 25 years ago she was at the Koshien stadium before. She told us about her favorite players now and then..... We shared our love for baseball during the game.

The atmosphere was great! The number of both sides' fans, Buffaloes and Eagles, was almost the same. So when one team scored the fan made happy cry, and another team's fans made "oh-no" cry.... The voice sounded under the big roof, called "Ginsan", so beautifully. It was well balanced. Both fans really enjoyed cheering for their favorite teams!
When I first asked her to go there, she said "I feel reluctant to be there because there'll be a lot of steps, slopes which might hurt my legs and back, also I can only walk slowly so I'll trouble you with the crowd. But after the game she said, "I really happy to be here! I'm glad you asked me to come here. Thank you so much! I don't feel pain or tired, nothing! I feel so happy, that's it! I might want to come back here again after being touched by the wonderful hospitality by the staff. So impressed!"
We had a perfect day. Thank you, everyone of the people who let us made it possible!!

peace and happiness

2011-04-17T01:05:00.001+09:00

Practiced the piano for an hour in the morning then prepared for the funeral, what to wear (black one-piece or suits is common here), what to bring (we usually offer condolence money for a funeral).

The funeral was so peaceful. There were so many people gathering to send her to the heaven. We saw 5-6 members of our senior choir. We had a good time there.

After coming home, I practiced the piano one more hour then headed to Kobe to bring some wedding things to our friend, Saori. She has been our friend for nearly twenty years. We met her at an off-line meeting of a classic music circle on the personal computer communication by Nifty-Serve. At that time the Internet was not available. We used a modem and a phone line to get to the PC communication network, no picture or video but only text communication was available there. We met many music-lovers on the net and became good friends. Saori is one of the best friends we met there.

She is getting married next month! We feel so happy for her that she found her best partner eventually!

She wants to wear "something four" in her wedding:
Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed and Something Blue.

She asked us for the "something borrowed" part because, she said, she wanted to be like us, as a good couple! So we brought my wedding bouquet to lend it to her. We had dinner together as we watched Tigers' baseball game, of course (she is also a big fan of Tigers!).

Her wedding ceremony is just in almost three weeks. We really look forward to seeing her in the beautiful white dress!!! Cannot wait!

Tomorrow will be a memorable day. Baseball watching with our long-time friend. Should be great fun!

Good night from Osaka, Japan!

joy and sorrows

2011-04-16T01:18:00.001+09:00

It was a hectic day today. And full of joy and sorrows.

In the morning, after doing some warming up for my voice then went to the senior choir rehearsal where I learned one of the members had passed away a few days ago. I really loved her. She was always cheerful and talented. It was she who did a quiz contest in a bus when the choir went out for a one-day trip. She played the piano and was able to read music quite well. She was married to Buddhist clergy so her wake and funeral service would be held at the temple, in other word, her own house. We offered a silent prayer for a minute and had rehearsal both to enjoy our own lives and also to sing for her.

Several members went to the wake tonight and told me quite many people attended.

After practice my piano for a two hours or so, Takao and I headed to the Koshien stadium to cheer for Rakuten Eagles, the Tohoke-based team which temporarily put their home in Kansai due to the earthquake. Today was their home-opening game.

During the game I contacted with a Rakuten staff. We got some invitation tickets for this Sunday game and wanted to take one of the senior choir members, in her 80's with weak legs & back so needs an assistance when going out, also who is our special friend and loves baseball so much. I had asked them if we could get a special seat for her. The staff was so kind and promised me that they can offer the special seat ticket for her! It's been my dream to go to the ballpark with her. She is a big fan of baseball but almost gives up being there because of her getting-weak-body. This Sunday will be so special for all of us! Now I remember the time when I invited Dynah to my choir concert in Manhattan. It's going to be similar, I guess. We will make the day memorable, yeah!

Life is unpredictable so we should enjoy our lives, right?

Oh before I forgot, Rakuten Eagles won tonight with the lead-off home run by Kazuo Matsui, a former MLB player. It was a great game. Especially when the two teams' cheer leaders exchanged yells, the Buffaloes' cheer leaders said "hurrah, hurrah Eagles!!!" and all other fans followed, then Eagles' cheer leader got "thank you, thank you, Buffaloes, then all other Eagles fans followed. It was really beautiful, and made me choked up!

Tomorrow we are going to attend the member's funeral service. I'm going to say to her not only good-bye but also thank-you for her big smile and cheerful personality.

Good night, from Osaka Japan!

two private student and worked on transposition

2011-04-15T01:22:00.000+09:00

Our Tigers finally lost tonight. It couldn't help. You cannot win all games. Tomorrow will be the winning day!

I had two private student today, one for vocal in the morning who made a great progress, and another for the piano in the afternoon who became much happier in the end of the lesson and I was so glad to see that! The piano student was doomed when she came. She said, "I had an uncomfortable situation at the work place last month and then during those days, the earthquake occurred. As I watched the news coverage, my feeling got down and down and I couldn't thought of practicing the piano at all." I'd be more than a month since she last came over.

We just tried to have a good musical time. I explained how she could improve her piano by using which joint or which muscle, at the same time by relaxing which part of the body and so on. Her tone quality got better and better during the lesson. In the end she said, "I feel like I could be much better by practicing. And now I can think of practicing great fun because I know how to do it! I was right I came here today. Thank you for making me feel much happier!!"

I couldn't be happier to hear her comment!

In the evening, I finalized writing the transposed chorus music, and now have a stiff shoulder, naturally. OK I should go to bed now.

Good night from Osaka Japan!

on a hot winning streak!

2011-04-14T00:35:00.002+09:00

Just two, but they made important two consecutive victories tonight!
In the Japanese professional baseball, payer(s) of the game get interviewed after the game. We call it "Hero interview". Today, there were two heroes and both of them were from the US. Matt Murton is a center fielder and hit the go-ahead run. Jayson Standridge was a starter today and just lost 1 score and got two hits. Great pitch!

In the interview, they both mentioned how they wanted to encourage the people who are having a hard time due to the earthquake, tsunamis and the nuke plants problems by their best play. They said they don't only think about baseball right now but think more about the people up-north. They kept saying this. Again and again. It was impressive because some other foreign players decided to leave Japan after the earthquake. I'm sure Matt and Standridge, as well as other foreign players with Tigers, like Craig Brazell, needed to be brave to be here. They decided to remain here to play baseball, not in their country but in Japan. I respect their decision and love them a lot!

Actually, we bought another game's tickets.... for Friday night. It'll be Eagles vs. Buffaloes. The newly appointed manager of the Eagles, Ms. Hoshino, used to be with our Tigers and led us to the central league championship once in 2003, then he led Japan team for the Beijing Olympic games.

The Eagles is having a special season. Their home is in Sendai city. As you know, Sendai city is one of the most affected cities by the earthquake. Their home stadium was hit heavily. The public transportation is not fully available there. The power is not good enough to have the entertainments. So it must have been really difficult for them to decide but they decided to change their home stadium just for a while until things get normal at home. I think they still wanted to play in the Tohoku area but there was no good stadium in that area. Then, Mr. Hoshino's former team, Tigers, offered to let them play in the Koshien stadium and another ballpark in Kansai area as well.

I know they have many many wonderful fans up in Tohoku area and they cannot come to cheer up their favorite team for this season. But their hearts will be with the players.

Now we, as baseball fans living in Kansai area, feel that we should also cheer up the Eagles this season for the people of Tohoku.

Friday night will the first game for the Eagles at the temporary home stadium, Koshien.
We should go, we thought, because we love baseball!

This week has been a baseball week for us!

Oh for the record... I also had a good music time today.
A vocal private student in the morning made a good progress and I was so glad to hear her lovely voice! She is in her 70's but look like 50's! Very active and works so hard for others. She attends several people to go to the hospital, drives people to do grocery shopping, works as a volunteer at a community center.... I love to see and hear what she is doing. Very encouraging. I want to like her when I reach in my 70's!

I had another vocal student in the afternoon.

In between, I made a time for my practice for two hours. Not bad. I had some good discovery for my piano technique and was very happy about that! My Schumann Sonate No. 2 practice is going quite well, maybe not so excellent but gradually, I'm getting there!

After dinner, as we watched Tigers' game on TV, I worked on writing a transposed music for the choir. A lot of work....

OK, enough for today. Leave it for tomorrow.
Good night from Osaka, Japan!

The opening game, Tigers vs. Carp

2011-04-13T09:39:00.000+09:00

We had a great time at the Koshien Stadium!!

The baseball season finally started last night. It was supposed to be two weeks earlier, then the earthquake prevented them to go ahead. Every player and every fan thought it shouldn't be the time to do any entertainment so early after the tragedy It was really difficult to postpone the games. Players, owners, fans had different reasons and different perspectives.

We had a hard time and are having a hard time. Then I would love to say, I really love baseball! When all of our Tigers players ran out to the field and started to play catch at the beginning of the game, I was almost crying. Kanemoto was one of them. He injured his shoulder really hard last season and barely could play catch until recently. We could see how hard he did for the pre-season training. Not only him but all the players did their best at full power. It was really beautiful to see them play. Just beautiful and tearful.

There were 4 American fans sitting just in front of us. We chatted a bit and they told us that several friends of them left Japan due to the earthquake but they chose to remain here and came to the ball park for have fun. One from Atlanta, the home for Braves, another from Boston, home for Red Sox. I told them that we went to Baltimore last year to see the Orioles game. We had great fun together. At the moment Tigers won the game, all people sitting around us, exchanged high five with great joy. We sang Rokko-oroshi all together.

One of the best nights we ever had.

a phone call from my NY mother

2011-04-12T00:27:00.002+09:00

When I was having a lesson with my private vocal student this morning, the phone rang. I picked it up anyway and said "moshi moshi? (hello? in Japanese)", the call said "hello?", then I thought it was an international call, I said "hello?" then it said "Is it Naoko?", oh I know this voice, I thought, then I said "Yes, I'm Naoko. Who is it?", it said "This is Dynah speaking from Brooklyn.!"

Oh my Goodness! I said "Dynah? Is it you? What a surprise!!!"
I had to ask her to call me again a few minutes later. She said she would call me again ten minutes later then we hang up.

After my student left, I looked for her cell number which she gave me when I left NY in 2009. Yes, I met her in Brooklyn, NY. I stayed in NY for a year in 2008-2009 to work as a volunteer at a nursing home in Brooklyn. Our first meeting was on my first day at the Home. I was really nervous and was actually upset to find that I really couldn't understand what the people were saying. Although most of them spoke English, they spoke with strong accents which were vary depending on which part of the world they were from. Pastor Ieva encouraged me to have lunch with some of the residents, Dynah was one of the residents I had lunch with. Honestly, I couldn't understand most of her English then. She was from Trinidad. She is really intelligent but her sound was not familiar to me, that was it. I bet my Japanese English must have been difficult for her, too. We anyway made some conversation, had a good time together.

Dynah gradually became my NY mother to me. She cared me a lot, she loved me a lot, she sometimes gave me a lecture when I had some trouble. She always had a good story to tell me and I really loved hearing her stories! Her primary dream was to build a school for kids in her homeland but she got ill in the US so couldn't make her dream come true. Instead, she became like a mother or a good teacher to everyone at the nursing home. She knows everything about the Bible. She organized her Bible study meeting at the Home. Whenever somebody got in trouble, she cared that person, kept her quota cookies or fruits and gave them to him/her for an encouragement gift. She did the same to me. Whenever I cried, she invited me to her room and gave me sweets, fruits, or peanuts. When I made myself too polite to everyone with my big smile, she invited me to her room and said, "Naoko, you are too nice to men. Please keep this in your mind that men might misunderstand you that if you love them. You have to keep a distance from men otherwise you might get some trouble! I'm telling you for your sake, Naoko." like this... When I was alone at the church service because all of the other volunteer service-makers were absent, I was so nervous and cried then couldn't make myself go on. It was she who helped me by singing Hyms loudly to encourage me or to fill the time, or said her prayer, or read the scripture for me. She was always there to help me.

I invited her to my choir concert twice. Ieva, Togu, and Eugenia took her there. One time we went to a cafe after the concert and had a wonderful time.

When I visited the nursing home for the last time of my stay to say good-bye to her, she prayed like "God I know this might be the last time I can see Naoko. We might not be able to see each other again.... " she prayed with running tears. I was really sad to see her crying. I remember the scene so clearly.

After getting home, I tried to get in touch with her several times, by sending post cards or by leaving a message on her cell phone, and I know she tried to reach me several times but we failed and failed, I think because of the time difference and also because of the inconvenient environment where she lives. We were getting to be away from each other. But I never ever forgot about her. The loving time we had together, her kindness, her wonderful stories, her lovely personality.

Just beside my piano I put dozens of photos on the wall so that I can see the faces while I practice the piano every day so that I remember each one of the wonderful friends. Dynah's photo is also on the wall.

OK, I'll get back to this story. I looked for her cell number and got it!
I called her and she picked it up. We talked to each other on the phone for the first time since I left NY. How wonderful we now can stay in touch! She said she is well and pretty much the same when I left her, that was good news to me. Some of the residents I know passed away she told me. I said "Dynah, hang in there! I will save the budget and will be seeing you again, maybe not this year but can be next year or so. I will definitely try to see you again!" When I realized, I said so! I strongly felt that I had to see her again. She was worried about me because of this mega earthquake hitting Japan a month ago. I thought how happy I was to have a wonderful NY mother like her.

Life is short. Life is unpredictable. You got to enjoy your life. You got to do what you want while you live. These are what I learned from this tragedy.

I want to see her. I want to see my friends in NY. Maybe I can make it if I try hard to make this true, right? Life is short. Life is unpredictable, beyond any calculation.

Dynah told me on the phone again and again that she loves me a lot and I'm her dearest daughter and the memory we made together at the Home was her treasure. Same here, Dynah. I love you, too, you are my dear, too, I said to her on the phone.

We had a wonderful time. And the phone call made my day!!

We promised to stay in touch. She promised she would call me again when she can afford to do it. I will call her again when I can make it and also I will send her post cards because now I know she god the previously sent cards safely and cherish them!

Thank you, Dynah, to make me so happy today!

Church choir rehearsal day

2011-04-11T00:29:00.000+09:00

After practicing the piano and singing for a few hours, Takao and I went out to the church choir rehearsal where I teach them every two months. We prepared two Hymns for the Easter service coming in two weeks, one playing with two recorders and tambourine, another singing in four parts. Then I brought them a new piece, "Lord you have searched me and known me" from Psalm 139. This is one my favorites from the PSUMC choir repertoire. I wanted to introduce this lovely piece to them and they loved it! However I have to admit the English lyric must have been a big challenge for them. I showed them each word's pronunciation. I hope it worked for them.

Takao and I will be attending the Easter service and the following the luncheon party at the church. We look forward to celebrate Easter with them for the first time!

On our way home, we dropped into nearby supermarket and did some grocery shopping.

At night, as we watch the special coverage of the nationwide local elections' results, I pull together the memos which I noted down roughly any points or discoveries about music on pieces of paper usually putting beside the piano. I love taking notes about anything. I write down anything I found on paper roughly and then only survived good discoveries go to the formal notebook. I have two notebooks, one for singing, another for piano playing. This really helps me both for my teaching students, and also for my playing. Humans don't have perfect brain. We forget everything if we don't try to keep it in our brain. I try to re-look at the notebook to make me remember the good points.

I had a good day today!

Apr 9, 2011

2011-04-09T23:52:00.000+09:00

Yahoo! No headache when I woke up this morning, great!
After practicing the piano a few hours, Takao went to the library during that time, we decided to went to Nara to enjoy viewing full-blooming cherry trees! We just thought we wanted to have some fun, and it turned out much more than "fun" but great joy!

We walked along the Saho river in Nara. It was just gorgeous!
If you want to feel as if walking there with me, please visit my picasa photo album "Apr 9. 2011"
Enjoy!

after the nose cold

2011-04-09T01:18:00.000+09:00

It started about a week ago, coughing, throat ache, blocked nose... then suddenly when I woke up on Monday, I had a terrible headache. Not only head but face ache was more serious. It ached as I walk a step, as I ate anything. At first I thought it came from a bad tooth, but it didn't.

I took some cold medicine then it disappeared for a while and came back again after it wore off. Then I took more medicine again. It got milder little by little but still there when I woke up this morning. I wanted to find a better medicine so went to a nearby drug store and talked with the pharmacist. He recommended that I should see a ear and nose doctor. He thought it might come from ear, might be a glue ear.

I walked for another 10 minutes to get to the clinic. As soon as hearing my story, the doctor gave a diagnosis as inflammatory paranasal sinus. It came after a nose cold and also from my allergic rhinitis. He put on antibiotic drug, painkiller, and allergy medicine.

After taking those medication, almost all of the nasty symptoms disappeared like a miracle! I should have seen the doctor earlier! Just one thing inconvenient was dizzy feeling. I took a nap for a while in the afternoon and got back to my practice.

Being healthy is really important to enjoy your life! I realized it again..

It was raining all day today. It'd be fine tomorrow, weather forecast said. Good.

I'll pray for the two lives who passed away by the last night aftershock. May their beautiful spirits go to the heaven peacefully.

Good night, everyone. Have a wonderful weekend!

Concert for Japan @ Japan Society in NY

2011-04-07T23:36:00.002+09:00

My friend, Sig, told me about this event and I love it! I wish I could attend it!!
There will be a 12-hour concert presented by Japan Society in Manhattan, NY this coming Saturday. And the benefit will directly be spent to help people affected by the earthquake and tsunamis. The guests include Ryuichi Sakamoto and Japanese traditional music players and more!

There also be various kinds of special activities for all ages, such as Origami or Washi Lantern.

And what is wonderful for me, as well as people living far from the place, is this entire concert will broadcast live via U-Stream.

For those who live in NY area, you should go there this Saturday, April 9, 11 AM — 11 PM!!

You can also enjoy some Japanese food some for free-sampling, other for purchase.

For more information, visit their website:
CONCERT for JAPAN

This Japan Society is one of the most memorable places in NY for me.
During my three months stay for learning English in NY in 2005, my favorite radio show on WNYC, the Brian Lehrer Show held the live recording event at Japan Society featured Asian countries. I joined the event, sitting very nervous because my English ability was very limited at that time and everybody except me sitting there seemed native English speakers. Then I made a good friend there and she became my special friend till now! Kayla sat next to me and we started to chat at the interval time and exchanged phone numbers after the event and promised to see each other again during my stay in NY. We had a date after a few weeks. After buying coffee and sandwich, we went to the Central Park and talked and talked! She told me about her volunteer trip to India and how she felt isolated there because she couldn't speak the native language. She said she understood my feeling a bit and I was glad to hear that. In the end of the stay, when my husband came from Japan to join me, she invited two of us and we had lunch together.

After coming back to Japan, we kept in touch with each other via e-mail, became pen-pals!

Then during my year-long stay in NY in 2008, we went to the musical "Hair" @ Central park together. We enjoyed walking along the river, enjoyed eating together and so on.

Japan Society is a special place because it brought me a wonderful friend!
I hope a lot of people be there not only to enjoy the concert and activities but also to help the people who are affected by the earthquake and tsunamis hit in our country on March 11th.

I felt much better this morning and no private student came so practiced and practiced almost all day! I had a good day. Tomorrow will be a better day for all people, I hope.

Good night from Osaka, Japan!

Naoko

Jishuku -voluntary restraint-

2011-04-06T22:05:00.001+09:00

The term, 自粛(Jishuku), meaning people voluntary hesitate to have fun, became so popular since the Tohoku Mega Earthquake. And also it's getting problematic or questionable.

The one or two weeks since the event, it seemed legitimate. People, not only living in the affected areas but also living outside of it, canceled their plans, traveling, eating out, parties, wedding ceremonies, going to theme parks, enjoying Onsen (hot springs) and so on. It seemed natural because all of the atmosphere was dominated by mourning for the victims, sympathy for the survivors who lived in temporary shelters with extremely inconvenience.

Then as time went by, we now don't know how we should behave, what we should do in this historic catastrophe. We want to help them, we want to be with them but if we don't do anything, our economy is getting worse and worse, national tax revenue would be decreased then less money would go to the reconstruction effort. We are getting to realized this fact.

Still some people insist we should mourn even more, we should hesitate to have fun. This "some people" often is someone not living in the affected area, I guess. The people like to judge others, interfere others' behavior. We often get influenced by those people's perspectives, then get reluctant to go out or to spend money for enjoyment.

Is it a right thing to do? Now questions for this atmosphere has been appeared in public and I would say yes to it.

A few weeks after the quake, I received a message from my friend who lives in Tohoku and lost some of her family. She said, "Now all of Japanese people seemed to be mourned so deeply. However I feel sad if people not living in affected areas, such as Osaka, would be so down. Please do what you would do usually. Please have a normal life because you can have it! Please write anything enjoyable you are seeing, having in your life on your blog so that I and my daughter enjoy seeing it! Then we would think, OK I'll do the same when everything is over!"

Her message encouraged me a lot and let me learn the important thing.

We are now having a cherry blossom appreciation time but due to short of the electricity, especially in Kanto area, public parks decided not to light-up the blooming trees at night. Hanami, having a party under the cherry trees after work with your colleagues or with your friends at daytime on weekend or so, has been our big spring event, but now it seems disappeared.

Then an message was uploaded on Youtube by an sake brewing maker in Iwate.

In this video, they encourage Japanese people to drink their tasteful sake. They say they feel so grateful all the help, donation, rescue efforts, aid supplies from all over the world. Then they tell you that the most needed help would be drinking their sake, buying the product that produced in the affected areas. I totally agree with them. What an excellent massage they send to us!

I remember, right after the 911, the mayor of NY encouraged New Yorkers to have a normal life despite the ongoing great amount of damage.

If we can, we should be active, we should go out., we should have have a normal life.
And also we must remember our people who are having a difficult time all the time, thinking of them all the time.

I think both things are important to make our country become a wonderful place again.

managed to go to my piano lesson

2011-04-05T21:48:00.003+09:00

I woke up this morning with mild fever and slight join ache. Took cold medicine and practiced a bit after feeling better. I go to my piano lesson every two weeks so I didn't want to miss this time. I went to my teacher's place and had a good time. She has a keen ear and never fail to hear small differences or problems in my playing. Also she is willing to listen to my perspectives so it's a kind of cooperation of building up a good music between two of us. I like her!

On my way home I did some grocery shopping, bread, milk, fried chicken cutlets, and onions.

Finally I'll have nothing to do tomorrow so it'll be a perfect rest day then I should be better soon, I'm sure!

It was so warm today although I felt a bit cold due to my malfunction..... I saw several cherry trees blooming fully on my way to the lesson, so beautiful! Spring is really here! I'm glad we don't have to use much electricity for now!

Bad news never stop coming about the nuke plants. This time, radiation contaminated water with extremely high level (I don't feel how high it is any more since I've kept hearing the huge figures again and again, It's really fearful to feel like this... ) started to flow out to the sea a few days ago and the professionals have been trying so hard to stop it then failed again and again. Today they seem to be succeeded partly, the volume of water flowing out reduced after their putting liquid glass in middle of the flowing way. They had to let out the low radiation contaminated water to secure the storage for the high contaminated water. I don't know how bad we are now any more.... maybe really bad, then what? What we can do is just to pray for the situation getting better, that's it. I realized how powerless we humans are. After this bad situation is ended, we really live with the nature with great respect. I hope we can find a good way to work out.

Good night from Osaka, Japan!

rest, rest, and rest

2011-04-04T21:54:00.000+09:00

I felt much better when I woke up this morning then practiced the piano for a few hours then headache started again, oh boy! Took some cold medicine again and went out to the chorus rehearsal in the afternoon. It's not my senior choir but another one where I became the accompanist since last month. They are having a concert coming June and I'm going to accompany for them. We had sectional today. I rehearsed with the alto singers and the director was with the sopranos. I managed the time despite the headache and dizziness. I think the medicine worked a bit. Anyway I had a good time with them. There are about 30 singers gather every Monday at a music class room in an elementary school in Osaka city. They really love singing, I can tell from their shiny faces when singing!

On my way home, I bought some bento boxes and made tomato salad for dinner. After dinner is a rest time. I should have a rest I know....

Now I'm worried about tomorrow's piano lesson. I haven't practiced enough but I decided to have a rest to have a better day tomorrow. I'm going to get up earlier next morning and then there will be a few hours before going out for the lesson. God will help me.

A lot of moving stories continue to air about the quake survivors or victims. Sometimes I'd avoid seeing them to let my feeling peaceful because every time I see them, my heart aches. Especially the stories about kids, elderly people, and animals touch me deeply.

One among them I was touched is a story about a dog. It remained alive after three weeks since the earthquake when the rescue workers found it on the floodwood (maybe a roof of a house) far offshore. Its waving tale moved me a lot. It was so cute and lively! Then, today, the owner of the dog showed up and hugged it so tightly. Thank the dog for hanging in there. You moved a lot of hearts, I bet!

OK, I'll get to sleep. Good night!

Sunday afternoon concert

2011-04-03T22:17:00.000+09:00

I woke up this morning with terrible headache, too bad! It was started with coughing on Friday, then throat ache Saturday... so I took some cold medicine and practiced the piano for 2.5 hours in the morning. I felt a bit better and went to a concert in the afternoon.

My friend, Sanae, sang at the concert with the beautiful wood wind quintet. She sang two canzones, "Ciribiribin" and "Mamma" then moved on to "O mio babbino caro" by Puccini. The concert was held at a shrine so I enjoyed walking around after that to find beautiful cherry trees blooming fully!

After walking a bit, Takao joined me to the electric shop to look for a dehumidifier. I had my piano tuned last week and the tuner suggested me to put the dehumidifier in the room to keep the humidity for a good level. The piano room is next to the bath room so it's been always too humid. I knew that and was worried about it for a long time. This time we found a good machine for a reasonable price! I look forward to put it and see my piano in good condition!

OK, I know I might be having a cold. Go to bed early tonight (last night as well, actually...).
Good night everyone!

Charity game: Buffaloes vs. Marines

2011-04-02T23:45:00.001+09:00

We went to the baseball game today, Orix (from Osaka) vs. Marines (from Chiba). It was contributed to the victims and survivors of the Tohoku mega earthquake. The both teams' players did a fund-raising before the game, standing at each gate, shaking hands with the fans. At the start of the game, the captains of the two teams made a speech on the mound to express their condolences and promise to stand by all the people in the affected area. The slogan shown on the photo says "Ganbarou, Nippon" meaning "Hang Tough, Japan!"

We had a good time of both thinking of the survivors and enjoying the game.

Hi there!

2011-04-02T09:22:00.000+09:00

It's been three weeks since then. I've been doing something every day then I realized every day life is disappeared if I don't write about it.

I decided today that I write something about the day every day from today to let my friends know what I'm doing also to cherish every precious time I'm having. Small things help us to remember how we are lucky to live our lives, right? I don't know how long I can keep committing this promise and I'm sure I'm making many mistakes as usual, but I believe I could improve my English by keeping this! It's OK if it's a line or a few, important to keep going!

Let's start talking about yesterday.
I had my senior choir rehearsal yesterday. I always feel relieved to see my choir members faces, so bright and soothing! We enjoyed singing together, chatting together, having joy together!

We had a cute guest yesterday. The pianist brought her 9-year-old son with her. She has three kids. Usually her mother-in-law takes care of the kids but this time her parents-in-law went to trip with her two daughters. It's spring break season for kids so her son was bored being at home every day.

After the rehearsal we, Takao and I, she and her son, went to lunch altogether then my husband went to work, other three went to the movie! It's called Doraemon, very famous animation character in Japan. We enjoyed the movie very much!

Later at night the pianist e-mailed me that he kept singing the songs we were rehearsing yesterday. When I asked him how was it, he said that he was bored hearing the rehearsal but actually he was enjoying hearing those songs! I was so glad to hear that! Then he said her mother, "when can I go see them again?" Wow!!!

Message from Kayla

2011-03-25T08:04:00.000+09:00

Since the earthquake occurred, I was seeking for what I can do, then came up with this idea.
I asked my friends to send messages to Japan.
Here is the one from Kayla.

*********************************************

Dear Unknown Japanese friends...I am sitting here in New York City and like so many others, thinking of you, your incredible trials, feeling inspired by your tenacity, courage and spirit of mutual support....Surely we are all connected and I wish you strength as I would my very dearest family, in this time of challenge. You are in our hearts and minds though distance may make that seem impossible.
My best to all of you,
Kayla

*********************************************

Thank you, Kayla!
For those who want to participate this project, please send your message to Japan via e-mail (naokosing@gmail.com).

Message from Hsin

2011-03-23T15:28:00.000+09:00

Since the earthquake occurred, I was seeking for what I can do, then came up with this idea.
I asked my friends to send messages to Japan.
Here is the one from Hsin.

*********************************************
I would like to offer my deepest sympathy to Japanese people. You have suffered such tremendous calamities. The images of tsunami were horrendous, but the most worrisome was the nuclear power plants. For many days, there was this helplessness that makes you wonder whether anything was being done or could be done. The reassuring messages from the authorities seemed to lose their credibility gradually. At least now the electricity has been restored to the plants and the water with it to cool the reactors.

Last night I watched Letterman (unusual for me) and Michio Kaku, a Physics professor from City College of New York where I work, was a guest. Of course, he is a Japanese and has family and relatives in that area. He
pointed out that the electricity company has the interests of protecting their investment, which could be in conflict with the concern of public safety. This may have resulted in the initial inept reactions. He also
mentioned that when Chernobyl happened, Gorbachev had the swift action of having Red Army dumping sands, concrete, and boron to entomb the whole plant. The reactor might still be hot today.

But now the water is in the plants and the things became a bit controlled, it is hopeful that the outcome in Japan will be much better than in Chernobyl. Who wants an entombed nuclear power plant that marks the whole
area as a waste land?

The nuclear plant issues in Japan has similarity with the Gulf oil spill in USA. Both incidents were so huge and so technology-intense that they relied, to a large extent, the industries themselves to solve. But their
interests may not be totally in line with the public interests. And these technologies are inherently dangerous. There are many issues, such as the public's right to know, how much we can trust the industries to police themselves, and how much patience should public grant them in such disasters?

There will surely be a tremendous rebuilding task in Japan. But Japan is one of the most technologically-advanced country and its people are among the most hard-working. So we can be optimistic about it.

Hsin Wang
*********************************************

Thank you, Hsin!
For those who want to participate this project, please send your message to Japan via e-mail (naokosing@gmail.com).

mega earthquate and tsunami

2011-03-16T23:08:00.002+09:00

Dear friends,
As you may know till now, we had the mega earthquake and tsunami, following by the nuclear plant issues. The death toll seems never to stop rising which saddens me so much every day.

My husband and I live in Osaka, far from the affected areas, so do all of our family. We all are just fine.
In this entry, I just can let you know that we are fine. I don't know how to put everything I feel now together. I maybe write something more later here. But just want to say the following:

Thank you, all the people in the world, for your thoughts and prayers.

Thank you, all the rescue workers, for coming from all over the world.

Thank you, doctors, nurses, public workers, firemen, police, construction workers, and the nuclear plant workers, for working so hard to save our country.

And thank you, all of the survivors, for your patience, courage, beautiful spirits, kindness to each other, honesty .... and just being alive.

I don't know how we can make the reconstruction efforts after such an incredible disaster but just want to believe we can make it somehow, altogether, not only with the people in our country but also with all the people in the world. I know everyone over there is thinking of us and helping us out, being with us. I just want to believe God make us work together. We need your help.

I feel so lucky and like a miracle to be alive.
I'm sure I'm lucky enough to be alive to do something for others. We are alive to work for each other. We all were born to help each other, right?

I love you all,
Naoko

morning coffee on the deck

2010-07-26T07:59:00.004+09:00

My first morning in DC started on the lovely deck of Ben's. His wife, Debbie, enjoys her morning coffee time as she feeds birds and animals living around the house. It turned out to be my favorite time during my stay in DC! Every morning I woke up at my room upstairs and looked out of the window seeing Debbie already started her coffee, then I would take a shower, got ready to go, went down to join her.

She taught me the names of the guests appearing on her deck, blue jays (adults if it has black necklace, juve if it hasn't), cardinals, wrens, thrashers, sparrows, chipmunks, squirrels and so on. I saw hawks flying around the sky, a red fox appearing to greet me once, and deer making a walk at the yard once.... what a life!

At the workshop, when I had difficult time during the day, and then next morning had this coffee time with Debbie and animals, they saved me. We talked, smiled at each other, greeted each other, and I felt much better after the conversation! I definitely miss the morning coffee with them!

pronunciation both for speaking and singing

2010-07-23T16:07:00.005+09:00

Speaking about pronunciation is really tough.... but this is what I am　mostly intrigued. So let me try!
I don't remember when.... but ever since I got interested in learning　foreign languages, I've been drawn to the sound, another word,　pronunciation, maybe because I'm interested in not only speaking but　also singing.

After the school days, I started to learn English seriously when I was　39, in 2001. I went to Vancouver, Canada, stayed there for 4 weeks.　It was my first experience going to ESL school. After a few days at　the school, I asked my favorite teacher, Andrew, to tutor me,　especially with my pronunciation. I practiced reading some hymn lyrics and　recited before him. He corrected me, sometimes showed me the　inside of his mouth. It helped me a lot. I tried very hard to copy　him but at that time my ability was limited so I couldn't do it well.

But the experience certainly got me more interested in improving my　pronunciation. As I remeber now, the Canadian people's pronunciation had a lot of "R", no "schwa" but everytime with "R".

After coming back to Japan, I finished an English Grammar book I　bought in Canada and worked hard to make a budget to learn abroad　again. I made it to NZ next year, this time for three months. It　turned out I got puzzled with the people's English because it sounded　completely different from Canadians' .... at least for me! At the ESL　school, my teacher sometimes talked about pronunciation, like "no R　after vowel even if there is R in the spelling. When you see "r" it
is a sign of "just extend the vowel longer". There were a lot of　things I found different.

Sometimes I asked questions about the　pronunciation differences to teachers but unfortunately I wasn't given　an answer because they only knew how they were speaking and didn't　have enough information about how other people were speaking.

Also for the three months, I attended the Sunday services at an　Anglican Church, singing with the band as one of the three singers.

Then three years after this experience, I went to NY, in 2005, spent　for three months, went to an ESL school again. This time, I saw people　all over the world, not only students but also teachers
since NY is full of immigrants! I got puzzled again about which of　those pronunciation I should try to copy?

In 2007-2008, I spent a year in NY again. This time I belonged to　several choirs and found that even English speaking people needed much　effort to sing in unison, in the same vowels, same pronunciation! It　was amazing for me!

My language, Japanese, is not alphabetical language, so perhaps, I　don't have any image of basic pronunciation for every alphabet. And I　have Japanese accent, such a strong one!

I've been trying to copy what I hear from English speaking people, got　stuck many times, and found new things and tried again, and got stuck　again.....
Every time I had some new experience, I felt like "This is it! I've　found the answer!" or "Oh now, I'm puzzled! I don't know how to　pronounce any words!"

So now, I have come to believe, or almost certain, it's a just matter　of time. I needed a certain time to know!

This time, through the Chorwork workshop and meeting people in DC, I　learned a lot of new things about pronunciation, I found a lot of　information to improve my pronunciation not only for speaking but also　for singing in alphabetical languages!
At the Chorwork, one of the faculties, Patrick, explained about the　American English vowels and how they could hinder singing smoothly,　some vowels tend to be pronounced downward, like pushing strong down,　then your breathing cannot move up toward your head, cannot make
smooth transition a word to another word, or a consonant to a vowel　and so on. He talked about the breathing direction for each vowel.
"i" is most forward, then "e" next forward, "a" is almost upward but a little bit forward. "ae" is between "e" and "a". "o" is a bit backward up, and "u" is most backward up. As for "schwa", a blur sound, it stay in the back of your nose or above your hard pallete or somewhere, still breathing goes upward but it doesn't go through your head skull compare to other clear vowels which go through the head skull.
It was good! I was delighted that I found a good place to send my　breathing for each vowel as the days passed and gradually felt more　comfortable with my singing and became able to keep the sound stable.

He also talked about the support system, we should support downward as the　breathing coming to the end, and when there is a high note toward the　end, we should feel both breathing going upward and support going　downward at the same time. His instruction helped me a lot! Also his
explanation about American English tendency gave me some information about how　people pronounce American English which I could copy.... or not?

Also I had a chance to have a private lesson with another faculty,　Sally. She taught me "singing economically" (legato singing) and　"adding good resonant" (open the instrument wide for each vowel?). I sang English pieces　by Dowland in the lesson. Just listening her pronunciation and her
singing gave me a lot. I couldn't meet her request right away but　I got some good idea that I want to master from the time on.

Then, apart from the workshop, the conversation with people while　staying in DC often got into about certain dialects or accents. I　learned that even American English speaking people sometimes find　difficult with understanding other's saying because they have a lot of
dialects from state to state. There are several different　possibilities to pronounce some words.
Singing in English was difficult for me because as for English, I had　many choices to choose from for every vowel or consonant from my　different learning experiences.

When I see a word, say, "tought", I have two different sound in my　mind, more open mouthed "a" or more close mouthed "o". When I see,　say, "Lord", I would wavered if I should pronounce "r" sound before　"d" or not.... Singing or reading aloud some text is better because I have　some time to think about but when I speak it's more difficult. Ummm　which on　 I'm using or I should use or I cannot produce any good　one.... like that.

After coming back from DC, I started to read aloud when I read a book.　Then came to think this way: I am an English learner and also a singer　at the same time. I want to speak English well but also I want to sing　English songs smoothly. Maybe it's about time for me to think about　my favorite way to pronounce English, another word, build up my very own English!

So even when I speak, I want to pronounce words smoothly (legato),　economically, perhaps not too much "r" or no "r" when it's OK, no　hindering vowels (don't push downward stronly when pronouncing), keep　breathing upward both when singing and speaking, feeling each vowel's
breath direction when pronouncing.... then work out well eventually...　I believe!　Then I can add some varieties after fixing one... maybe.

I know I have to learn much more about the Grammar and build more　vocabulary.... but at least as for pronunciation, I got some good hints　through this trip to DC and feel so glad with it!!! I'll keep practicing,　believing my effort will be rewarded!

I hope I made some sense in my writing here!
Anyway, learning new things are always a great joy!

another memorable trip - Washington D.C. -

2010-07-23T09:37:00.002+09:00

I'm back from my 17-day stay in Washington D.C.

It started on my birthday, July 2nd. It turned out I had 37 hours birthday this year, certainly a good deal!

Now I had a lot of things to write in my mind:

As for Chorwork workshop; singing, warm-ups, vowels, pronunciation, British and American Englsih, National Cathedral, big meals, wonderful faculties, a private lesson with Sally, my gifts to people, conducting opportunity, tree image for singing, harmony, building relationships, feeling of trust, ups and downs, a bit crying, dealing with difficulties,

Among other things; 4th of July, MLB, fireworks, Trader Joe's, Giant, Starbucks, Dollar Tree, CVS, heat!, Reduced Shakespeare Company, realcannons, battlefield, military base, AGO convention, music hunting, books, car society, air-conditioning, a life with animals and birds, retirement village, church service, museums, memorials, National Zoo, Kennedy Center, movies in the sky, a person from Afghan, a heli at the White House, .....

I might not able to write about all of them... but will try!

learn about The United States of America

2010-06-18T23:32:00.007+09:00

I'm visiting my friend, Ben this summer and spending 17 nights at his place, to participate an early music choral workshop. And after that, my husband coming to join me and we are spending another week seeing around DC area!! We both are so excited about this big summer plan! Big thanks to my friend, Ben, and his family, to let us stay.

To take this opportunity, meaning to visit the capital of the huge country, The United States of America, I thought it might be good for me to learn about American history, and more. As you may know.... I was a bad bad BAD student in my school days so all of the words my history teacher was telling me sounded "Latin" for me so I remember very little of those.... almost nothing both history of my country and other ones... terrible!

Learning English has made me realize the joy of learning not only about English language but also about everything through the window of English speaking! I want to talk about art, culture, potics, social problems, sports, and history in English with my friends, but to do so, I have to have a certain amount of knowledge with each subject, that's maybe the biggest gift my English learning gave me!

As I was reading the DC area guidebook in Japanese, I became to realize how many historical and poilitical places the capital district has! I thought like, "I want to know more about American Presidents, what they did, how they became the Presidents! I want to know how the first immigrant entered this country and created the united states. What about the native people? How were they treated? I used to enjoy watching the woman's doctor Michaela Queen TV drama where native people were treated badly and the doctor's family helped them to survive. If I know a bit more about American history I could enjoy my visit to DC much more!"

Reading through difficult books would be almost impossible for me.. I assumed, so I chose these books.

The book on the left side called "What Young Americans Know about History". It's writted both in Japanese and English. So I could quickly grab the meaning by reading the Japanese section and it makes me easier to understand the English section. I hilight especially the names of the people, places, things I want to remember. It helps!!! I want to finish the first reading-through and do the second reading in English only next time, hopefully, by the time I get to the capital! I've come the second third so far, the time of after the Great War and the begining of the automobile era!

The tiny book in the center is called "The United States Constitution -what it says, what it means- A Hip Picket Guide" This is a thank-you gift from WNYC radio station. I donated a small amount to their fund-raising a few years ago and chose this right away among other gift. I wanted to know what is written in the US constitution, however, it was too difficult for me to read through and understand it at that time due to my limited English ability. Then I forgot about the book! As the day was coming nearer to visit DC, I remembered this one day and picked out this from the back side of my bookshelf. I haven't started reading this yet but I think it might be good for reading on the board, right?

This trip has already given me a great gift to me!

I cannot wait to participate the choral workshop and meet a lot of new people!

Kanemoto's uniform to be displayed at Hall of Fame!

2010-04-27T11:34:00.005+09:00

Kanemoto's uniform goes to Hall

Tomoaki Kanemoto, the 42-year-old outfielder of my favorite team, The Hanshin Tigers, definitely is one of the greatest baseball players in Japan. He recently completed his world record of playing in consecutive games without missing an inning at 1,492!

I was shocked to hear the announcement of the ball park on TV when his name was not called for the starting line up on July the 21st. He'd been suffering from shoulder injury which was caused by the practice at the spring camp. I wanted him to be there forever although I did know the time must have come one day when he had to stop. It suddenly came. All of the fans at the stadium and before TV were astonished and grieved with the news. He'd been there in every inning at the left field since July 21, 1999 so it had been so natural and definite for us to see him there. Difficult to accept.

Then a few days passed, I started to feel that it was not that he stopped the record but he completed the record in a courageous manner, telling the manager "Please put me out of the starting line up, to win the game!" None of the staff could have told him to stop, only he could do it by himself.

Today I was delighted to know this news! His uniform will be displayed at the National Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY!!!! What great news!!

I want to visit there some day in my life and see his uniform there with the former Orioles star, Cal Ripken!!

long time no see....

2010-04-22T23:54:00.004+09:00

Hi friends!
I've just realized how lazy I am and I'm not good at keeping my diary here!
I've been doing well, ups and downs, as usual.

Well, since Christmas....
In January, I met my mother and was relieved to know she was doing well. I was relieved to know that I was able to be nice to her and she was nice to me at the time. I was a bit worried she seemed weaker than usual and hoped she would become better soon.

And.... it's already spring! Cherry tree season is almost gone.
In our country, school begins in April not in Spring like US. So the most typical image of April here would be new students going through among beautiful cherry flowers with bright smiles!

Thank you, cherry flowers, for your blooming so beautifully to celebrate all of the spring rituals for us!

Happy holidays!

2009-12-22T23:18:00.002+09:00

Greetings to all of you!!!

a person I should love most

2009-12-16T10:14:00.003+09:00

There is one thing I have never written about here.

I think my weakest point is ..... my mother.
I don't know about my father very well. I think he is dead according to every information I've got from people around me. My parents got divorced when I was a baby. The last time I saw him was, I believe, when I was one or one and a half year old. I cannot believe why I can remember that but the blur image of his face is in my mind, with beard, a beret hat, thin and tall.... My mother didn't like to keep anything that made her remember him so she got red of everything, including, of course, his photos, so there is nothing left for me to remember his face any more.

I don't have any siblings so before I got my husband, I had only my mother as my family after spending ten years of my life being put into several different families' hands.

Our life has been always difficult to get along with each other in many ways.
I feel like there is no chemistry between us...... sadly. I'd get interested in something and would tell her and she wouldn't like it or wouldn't be interested it that at all. I'd love some food, and she would think it's good taste at all.... From small things to critical life deciding things, we have different perspectives. She would do something, which I never like, including love affairs. I would do something, which she never likes.

She is not good at keeping in touch with people.
When she feel like doing so, she calls, she faxes, she mails, and when she suddenly wouldn't like doing so, she never calls, faxes, she even never respond to people's calls, including me, sometimes it continues for a several months or possibly a year!

I have many many shortcomings. Maybe some of her angers towards me or her ignoring me is my faults.

Since I came back home, I've seen her a several times, perhaps, 4 or 5 times.
Each time, something shocking to me happened and made me depressed and made me think I never wanted to see her again, which made me so sad. I got hurt and I assume I hurt her somehow.

Then after spending depressing time for a while, I thought I should see her because we are a mother and a child, I encouraged myself to love her, I tried to get in touch with her and when I made it, I failed..... we had another collision somehow.... even the last time I saw her in September was, for me, nothing happened, we laughed each other, we said good bye with smile, then she faxed us the night, saying we were rude to her, she even said my husband had been rude all the time since we got married! I was so shocked to read it, I felt deeply sorry to my husband and couldn't recover myself to want to see her again....

She had her birthday this month.
The only thing, such a small thing, for me to do for her was, just sent a fax message to say her happy birthday, no response, of course, my fault, maybe.

The only person I should love most in the world, I cannot love her deeply.
I want to love all people around me and when I think of her, I got doomed.
Then I would think, about the time when I go out to the world and have fun with my friend, even when I volunteer for needed people, maybe it's not for the people but I'd do it to escape from the fact that I cannot love the very person I should love most. I'm such a selfish person.

I've tried to write about this a thousand times and couldn't do it. I cannot write this on my Japanese blog because she might have a chance to know it. But I wanted to write this because without writing this, everything I'm doing it sounds too angelic. I would like to communicate with people not only to help people but also to help myself out of the hell where I think of myself being a dirty existence.

I want to love her. I want to be a good daughter. I'll try to do it, I'll be like that, until the last time of my life. I wish she waits for me for that time.

Life is often difficult to deal with everything, right? Yes!

My recent life

2009-10-28T14:18:00.005+09:00

Hello, my friends! Long time no see..... I'm doing well but had no time or energy to update here....

I want to report my recent life today.

As for music;

I came back to teach the senior citizen chorus group and they are doing really well! I started to teach them by using what I got from NY experiences, from the choirs I belonged to, from the way my vocal teacher taught me, from the experiences of the Western Wind workshops, and so on. They seemed puzzled sometimes and then they understood me for a while later and improved so much! I'm really thankful to every musician I met through my NY life.

We are participating the city cultural festival next spring and we started to rehearse the program. We are singing three songs all in Japanese, and we will add choreography taken the hint from the sign language. I asked one my former private students for help and she helped me to think it out. Her parents couldn't hear so she used the sign language since she was a child. She became an elementary school teacher, got married and now have three children! I visited her house twice to work with her. We became good partners and thought up a great choreography, both meaningful and beautiful one! Last Friday, I taught the chorus members it for the first time. I was so glad that they liked our choreography so much! I know we have to work hard to sing and perform well but we are making it finally, I'm sure!

I've got six private students up to now, one led to another, became six! They all are women and over 50's. I think they deserve to enjoying their own lives after devoting most of their time for their family for many years. I'm so glad I can help them enjoy their own lives by learning something new!

My husband and I are performing Messiah by Handel next Tuesday. It's coming so soon! Last night we had the first rehearsal with the conductor and had a great time! The conductor currently lives in NY and came to Japan all the way from there. His name is Kimbo Ishii-Eto. We are having two more rehearsals with the piano accompaniment and two rehearsals with the orchestra and then will perform it finally. I have to be careful not to lose my voice till then!

And...
It's related to partly music but, as for my church life:
I became one of the organists there! It's not a paid job to be an organist in church but I'm glad I can do it. We have a quite beautiful organ in our church and I am glad that I received the opportunity to play it! My first playing music day was last Sunday. For the past few weeks since I was offered to do it, I checked out many songs from my sacred music stock to find out what suits to play for the day. I went to church twice to learn how to use the organ and became friends with it and I fell in love with the organ. It sounds really beautiful. As I played some of the English Hymns, I couldn't stop my tears coming out because each song reminded me some specific wonderful memories with my friends over there.

"Oh this is Dynah's favorite!"
"Oh I sang this in my Park Slope church!"
"I love this song playing in the beginning of the service at the nursing home!"
"This is John's favorite! That is Eugenia's!"

And on and on and on.....

I felt sometimes happy to remember the memories and also somehow sad that I was here and not there.... with them any more and felt like I couldn't share my memories with anyone over here.

I chose "Because He lives" for the offertory music. This is John's favorite. John was one of the volunteer ministries at the nursing home I worked. Whenever he became emotional, and perhaps not coming up with any words to say, he would start to sing this song and I loved it!

Also I have another memory with this Hymn. When I stayed in Auckland, NZ in 2002 for three months to learn English language, I sang this at a shopping mall to fund-raising campaign by the church I was attending. I was asked to sing anything I knew and I chose "Because He lives" by my instinct. I think the reason I was asked to sing was I couldn't speak English very well at that time so I couldn't contribute to the campaign by talking to passing-by people there. So it was the only thing I could do.

I started to sing it, trembling.....
To my surprise, people started to stop by one after another, smiling, listening to me, so kindly.
Then after a while, a woman came up to me saying, "My husband is sitting over there at the food court table. He likes your singing so much and asked me to say it on behalf of him. He is sick so he couldn't come here." I was so glad to hear that and I went to the table and made a chat with him for a while.

Then.... I was back to singing the same song again and again....
A middle-aged man, perhaps Chinese, suddenly appeared in front of me, and to my great surprise, he started to sing it with my with the big smile so joyfully!!!! We sang the song together for the next few minutes and just said good bye without exchanging any personal information about us. Then this was not the end! I met him again at my church after few weeks when the church provided language learning classes for foreign residents. We became friends and he invited me to the small meeting at his house. I was surprised to see so many Chinese Christians living there at his house. They cooked a wonderful Chinese meal for me and we had a great time together.

Like these, I have wonderful memories with every music. I think it'd be one of the greatest things when you continued to do something for a long time. You have wonderful memories one after another and it becomes your history and you can live with them!

When I played the organ at my current church last Sunday, I got nervous, my hands started to tremble, my brain become empty somehow.... and I became panic! Then I pictured everyone's face. I even called everyone's name in my mind one after another.... "Please love me Lord, and my friends, Lisa, Nancy, Pam, Joyce, Cheryl, Michael, Jonathan, Ieva, Togu, Sachi, Jayson, Marge, Rita, Richard, Dynah, Virginia, Mr. Thurmond, Morris, Ramon, Alma, Russell, Mr. McGee, Mr. Brown, Eugenia, John, Ms. Butterfly, Ms. Paul, Rosa, Kristina, Philip, Sig, Dorry, Brian, Jim, Nuala, and, and , and......

I couldn't put them all but it really helped! As I recalled the names of my friends, I felt as if I was protected by them and they cheered me up! Then my mind became so calm and I could get focused on playing music for God. It was amazing!

Many people form the congregation came up to me to thank me after the service and one of them said "It was really heartful, Naoko!" I was so happy to hear the comment! Yes I put all of my heart into the music and they understood my mind!

We have several organists in our church so I'm going to play the organ once or twice a month from now on. I look forward to playing it next month!

After the service, our pastor asked me to teach a choir at another church just for this Christmas. He said, "there is another church, 20 minutes train rude from here, they are in trouble not having anyone to direct the choir right now. Could you help them? If you could go there just a few times after church, Sunday afternoons perhaps, they will appreciate it so much!" And as you can imagine, I said, "Yes, I'd be glad to!"

One event leads to another. One friendship leads to another... and I'm having this magic right now!

I have to work hard and it wouldn't be that easy. But I want to enjoy everything with great joy!

Oh.... I was about to forget!!!!
We got a new family yesterday!!!!

I named him "Kuri". He was abandoned just in front of our house and cried and cried for more than five days.... we were not going to take him but after five days or so hearing his desperate cry we couldn't stand it and took him inside. He has a cold but we believe he survives and becomes well soon!

Talk to you soon, dear friends!

Gara gone, too.

2009-08-30T10:08:00.010+09:00

Booko went to the heaven in May. Gara has gone this morning. It's too hard to accept that we had three cats and now two of them are not with us any more....

He was getting weak and weak for the past few weeks. We brought him to the vet and were told that he wouldn't live long. He became unable to eat or drink.... yesterday, he hid behind the bookshelf or a curtain or some shading places as if he was seeking for a good place to die. I've heard that cats don't want to be seen when they die.

In winter, he always slept on my arm and didn't move till morning. I liked being with his warm body like holding a hot-water bag. When he slept, he did so tightly that even the alarm clock rang so loudly he didn't woke up.

He was so shy. Whenever our friends came, he hid himself and never showed up then when the guests left he appeared from somewhere crying hard.

When we found him 15 or 16 years ago, he was bullied by kids because he was so weak, I think he got a cat flue or something, his eyes were covered with mucus or something and he seemed unable to see. His voice was hoarse. I brought him home and took care of him.

We loved him a lot and he brought us a lot of happiness. I believe he will start having a happy life with Booko in heaven. And we should have a happy life with Momo since we have only her now....

I love you, Gara! Thank you for your presence!

it'll become a historic event!

2009-08-29T21:19:00.002+09:00

It'll be the general election day tomorrow in our country, Japan. And I'm sure it'll be such a historic day and on a textbook later. Most of the media surveys are saying it's very likely for Democratic Party of Japan gains landslide victory.

I know this feeling, yes. It was last year. I was in NY. There was the Presidential Election. And Obama became the first African American President in the history. All media predicted that Obama would win but I remember American people couldn't believe the prediction and were watching the election coverage with mixed feeling, a great expectation and a slight uncertainly. Then the result came and people got overjoyed!

We will see what happens so soon and I'm really excited about that!

Trip to Hiroshima -Rev. Shikama-

2009-08-17T09:18:00.006+09:00

By the way, you can see the photos of our Hiroshima trip by clicking the "Slideshow" on top right of this blog.

OK, let's continue.

On Sunday, we attended a Sunday service at a local church, Hiroshima Church (United Church of Christ in Japan). It was Peace Sunday in the Church so they contributed the service for peace. The victims' names of the A-bomb who were the church member at that time were all called with their age, the day they died, the distance from the center of the explosion. They lost 33 members, age of 2-87. The sermon was given by Rev. Shikama who is the son of the Reverend at the bomb time.

After the service, Rev. Shikama gave his lecture about his experience and his wish for peace. I was deeply impressed with his story. His story came into the deep place of my heart directly. So I'll try to recollect what he said from my brief memo. It's not perfect but I want to try because I want to remember my deep appreciation for his lecture by writing down what I heard.

********************
It was Monday. Mr. Shikama, a junior high school student at that time, was supposed to go to the city hall and work as a volunteer with his classmates. Their work was to get rid of several buildings to avoid the spread of the fire. He was on his way to the hall. In the meantime, at the workplace, his class teacher asked one of the pupils to go to their school to tell some students to come to the place. The teacher worried if some students went to the school by mistake because it was Monday and some students were absent on the last weekend because of sickness or some other reasons. So, the student who was asked was going to school and met Shikama on his way. Then he asked Shikama to do his job for him. So Shikama changed his direction from the city hall to his school. It was a very fateful moment. If he hadn't met his classmate and hadn't been asked to go to school, he must have been at the workplace and ...... very highly possibly died of the A-bomb because all of them, ALL of the pupils, 220 on the second grade, and teachers working at the site died of it. This fact made him suffer a lot in his later life.

The A-bomb was dropped by unman parachute. I didn't know that. According to his classmates, who were not died right after the bomb but a few days later, the students thought it was beautiful and fun to look at the parachute dropping from the sky so they went outside to see it, not knowing the parachute killing them.

When Shikama arrived at the school, there were around eight classmates by mistake. He thought more people might come so they decided to wait for a while. They were in their classroom, then a boy, Mr. K, came into the room, saying "Good morning!", at the very moment, an enormously bright light, "as if the sun was dropped directly on us" (by Shikama), ran through them. At the next moment, nothing was there. Everything was collapsed. Then he realized he was alive. One of the desks saved him as a cushion. He guessed they were directly hit by a normal bomb, so he believed that somebody was coming to help them very soon, until he went outside.

He saw the mushroom cloud, a giant, enormous cloud in the sky. He heard people's desperate cry for help. He called the names of his classmates, miraculously, all of them, eight, were alive, only getting injured somehow. He thought they needed food to survive so he told the students to go back to the classroom to get their lunchbox. He too went back there and found something, looking like a wrapping cloth for a lunchbox, with gladness, he grabbed it and opened it. It was a head of Mr. K, who was coming into the room at that time, saying "Good morning" so cheerfully. He was dead. The distance between Shikama and K was just 2 yards. K just didn't have any cushion to protect him, such a small difference between life and death.

He thought about life and death as he was holding K's head in his chest. He thought of himself being alive.

The survived students evacuated all together to Yoshijima then Mr. Shikama left there to look for his family. His father, the Reverend of the church at that time, was at a blind school to give a sermon, his mother was at home next to church, his elder sister was at some volunteer work. Fortunately they got all together after a few days and went to a village for safety where two of his younger brothers had been. After a month, his sister passed away from the A-bomb sickness, saying "I'm happier than the people who were not with their family, dying all by themselves. I'm with my loved family. I'm happy...."

Mr. Shikama talked about a relation between human's sin and nuclear weapons. Japan is a victim if concerning only about the A-bomb, but it is also a victimizer if concerning about Sino-Japanese war or the Great War, having developed poison gass in its island sites. Wars are always about how to make weapons to kill many people at a time, desperately seeking for it, and developing it.... and a kind of the goal, as a ultimate weapon, might be the A-bomb, he said.

In this world, we tend to lose our hope for peace. We might give it up. Then there came Obama's speech in Prague about his intention for an abolition of nuclear weapons, appeared as a ray of hope, he said.

He thought about the meaning why he could survive, in other words, why God made him survive, he questioned God a lot of times, Why you chose me? Why? He suffered. He wondered God's will. What kind of mission God gave him to perform? He asked himself why he became a Christian. He was not going to become a ministry but after many twists and turns, he became the one. Now he is in his 80's, retired from the regular church based ministry and currently he is active as a traveling preacher.

Among his words, I liked his expression:
Our lives are borrowed from God. A kind of a rental for free.

Our lives might not be as dramatic as his, he said, but all of us have a dramatic lives if we look at not only our own lives but also our parents' or grandparents' or grand-grandparents'. Then you might find something dramatic and then you might think of the meaning of life, the secret of life. Our lives are gifts from God, His precious gifts. So we should use the gift for what we can do something meaningful. And he thinks we should not only talk about peace but make peace with all our might using a beautiful gift from Him. We should be the peacemakers, he said.

************

I thought about myself after listening to his lecture.
I've been wishing for peace, yes, but have I tried to make peace really? I don't know, maybe not enough. When I think of peace in the world, a part of me would believe we can do it, then another part of me doubt it with despair because it's unlikely to happen in this world. Mr. Shikama taught me that we shouldn't give up anything even if it's unlikely to happen. Thank you, Mr. Shikama, for making me awake.

After the lecture Takao and I developed some friendship with the church people. A woman whose home town is Osaka came to us and gave us a book of war experiences by the church members. I read it on my way home on the train. There were tens of, perhaps a hundred of stories about war.... and every story is so impressive, coming from their deep hearts.

I learned newly that the survivors cannot speak out about their experience easily because it's too hard to remember the time. So many of them tend to shut their mouth for a long long time. Some of them passed away without talking anything about the war even to their family. They should be glad that they could survive but they cannot because they would even feel guilty of being alive for so many of people around them died at the time. Also, after a certain time since the war, Hibakusha (the victims of A-bomb) got discriminated against because of their experience. Speculations were around that if they could have babies normally or the A-bomb sickness could be picked up from them.... So they couldn't get married so easily, they couldn't get hired, they suffered a lot, then they learned that they should not reveal their experiences in order to lead a normal life. They would think they don't want their family to suffer from it so they would never talk about it to anybody.

They would feel guilty because they couldn't save people's lives on the day. They passed the places where people lying down dying, calling for help, they saw so many of them, too many of them. It was impossible for them to save the lives, impossible, so they might have gone to be feelingless..... to save themselves, they had no choice but made their blood frozen to save their own lives. None of us cannot blame them. Still they tend to blame themselves for not to be able to save the lives.....

I feel a great amount of pain when I think of those people..... I cannot understand exactly, no I cannot, but I feel it somehow, even if a part of it...

So I learned from listening Mr. Shikama's lecture and reading the stories that it's so precious and meaningful to listen to their stories even after 64 years from the end of the war, it never be rusty, because more and more people start to speak out after realizing their stories might die away and be buried if all of the experienced people passed away. More and more Hibakusha or war-experienced people start to speak out because they want to make peace, they never ever want to see the world where people kill each other.

I know it's often hard to talk about war with our close people, our parents, or our grandparents, I feel the difficulty with that, too. No matter with whom you talk to, it's so precious to be able to hear their stories. With great appreciation, we should listen to them whenever we have a chance. Then we can learn something, and we could relay the stories to the next generation. We might be the last generation who can listen to the stories directly from them.

Now I'm remembering the time I was in NY. I worked at a nursing home. I listened to many stories from the residents. I feel grateful for all of them who talked with me, who shared joy and sorrow with me, who even listened to me and encouraged me when I was down. I miss you a lot.....! And I'll never forget the time with you....!

There might be no victims or victimizer with any war. All of people might be the victims, no matter in which side they are, in what kind of status they are.... all people involved in it would suffer after a long time, perhaps for all their lives. We should make peace altogether, I know, but I don't know how to do it..... just I learned it and I'll try to figure it out.

I'm so glad we made our trip to Hiroshima at this time of the year.
Thank you, Hiroshima!

Trip to Hiroshima -the Dome-

2009-08-15T19:34:00.007+09:00

This is the A-bomb dome. It welcomed me there. It's been there since then, showing its tragic shape, and telling us the important message forever till we make it together.

It was two years ago we visited there together for the first time after our marriage. We visited The Hiroshima Peace Memorial Museum. A volunteer guide showed us around so kindly, which impressed us so much and the visit made us think of peace much more then ever before.

Then I stayed in NY for a year till this April. I saw Mr. Obama becoming the President of the United States of America. At the end of my stay in NY, he made one of the most important speeches about nukes. On April 5th, 2009, in Prague, he said "And as nuclear power -- as the only nuclear power to have used a nuclear weapon, the United States has a moral responsibility to act." and also "So today, I state clearly and with conviction America's commitment to seek the peace and security of a world without nuclear weapons." This speech has moved many many people's minds and made them act, especially, among Japanese people, especially among Hibakushas.

Since I came back here, in my country, I've felt how much his speech awakened people's yearning for peace.

At the symposium, among the panelists, Mr. Patrick Coffey was there. He is a Marine veteran. He went to wars zones, he went back to university, where he saw an exhibition sponsored by Hiroshima and Nagasaki cities. He was shocked to see the photos and became active for peace. I was impressed by his enthusiasm for peace.

Through this visit, I strongly felt people's hope for realization of nuclear-free world has become so strong after hearing the Obama's speech in Prague. I hadn't realized it so strongly till I got there. I heard people referring or talking about the speech so many times while I was there. People make their eyes shine so beautifully when they talk about that, which would make me even a kind of sad, worrying or wondering if the President can make it or not.... or if he could overcome the obstacles coming toward him when he tries to make it, because I can see people here have just started to believe seriously that we might be able to make the world without any nuclear weapons. I know it's not that easy. And I don't know if I can believe the idea...... and I don't want to make the elderly victims disappointed. I cannot explain my complex feeling with this.

I want to write about a man's story on the next entry.

Trip to Hiroshima -Trams-

2009-08-15T19:16:00.004+09:00

One of the reasons why I love Hiroshima very much is the trams!
In Osaka, we have trams lines in very limited areas, but in Hiroshima, you could get anywhere in the city center by trams, it's amazing!

Trip to Hiroshima -Hiroshima station-

2009-08-15T19:03:00.003+09:00

a nearby station from our house.

Tsuruhashi station in Osaka.

Osaka station.

then....

Yeah! We are at the Hiroshima station at noon!!!
Let's start the journey!

Trip to Hiroshima -let's start!-

2009-08-15T18:38:00.005+09:00

I'll start writing about our memorable trip to Hiroshima.

It started on August 1st. We got up at 3:30 in the morning and left home at 5 in order to take the first train. There is a special unlimited ride ticket by JR railroad company sold only during holiday seasons, called Seishun 18 Kippu. You could take any local trains cost only around $20 per day. You cannot take any bullet trains or limited express trains without paying additional fare.

We bought the tickets and made five connections to get to Hiroshima. It took us more than 6 hours to get there (if you use bullet trains you can get there within 2.5 hours).

We have the purpose to be there. We were to listen in the symposium called "The Road to the Abolition of Nuclear Weapons", which were starting at 1 PM on August 1st, so we needed to get to the Hiroshima station till noon.

I do love trip by train! I love it! So does Takao. We enjoyed our journey so much! And we made it! All trains came on time so we made all of the connections. Then....

two articles I loved on NYT

2009-07-15T06:10:00.003+09:00

The first one is about baseball in Japan.

"Japanese Baseball: Root, Root, Root and Buy Me Some Eel "

I think this is well-described about rooting at rooting style in Japan.
I love baseball and I've been in stadiums a lot of times with my husband to root for my favorite team, Hanshin Tigers and I do love our rooting style here. If you have a chance to visit my country and you are a baseball fan, you should go there and join them!

The second one is about atomic bomb in Japan.

A Flash of Memory

I didn't know Ms. Miyake, who is well-known clothing designer not only in Japan but also in the world, is a Hibakusha, A-bomb survivor. I was moved with his words a lot. We are planning to visit Hiroshima city in a few weeks. We visited there two years ago and loved the city. We learned a lot by visiting the A-bomb memorial museum, communicating with local people there. And I had a chance to stay in the US and build relationships with a lot of American people. I became to think of peace more than ever. Then President Obama's speech about elimination of nuclear weapons. I remember I saw a map at the museum which tells us how many nuclear weapons each country has at the time.

Each of us seems not to have any power but if we do it altogether, I believe we can do anything.

I hope we can learn more things on our visit to Hiroshima this time.

home delivery Pizza here and there

2009-07-09T23:35:00.002+09:00

Some delivery pizza ads was put in our mailing post today and I just remembered my experience in the US. When my American friends and I bought pizzas, they asked me what ingredient I liked to put in the pizza and I said "corn!". To my surprise, they seemed surprised and said "we never put corn in pizzas. In fact corn is quite popular ingredient for pizzas here.

You can see some delivery pizza menu here:

PIZZA-LA
Domino-pizza

You see any differences between here and there?

flower of rainy season

2009-06-25T23:26:00.004+09:00

Every year in June especially in rainy season, they are adorable!
Can you read what it says on the red box next to them or guess what is inside the box?

love

2009-06-25T19:14:00.002+09:00

I love the sound of "love".

When you say "l" for the start of the word, you get ready for expressing your most beautiful feeling by bringing your tongue upward.

Then you pronounce "o" part (I don't know how to explain the phonetic of the sound by spelling... but it's a kind of upside down of "v" phonetic alphabet). I do love the vowel sound. You don't open your mouth so wide or you don't close your mouth. You say it out loud but you still keep it inside you..... I think this part represents "love" itself. You want to say it to the person you love and you still want to keep the beautiful feeling in you forever. Also it sounds like you really cherish the feeling of "love".....

I love the sound of "love".

As an ESL student who has been learning this language with deep love for the past 8 years or so (after many years of absence since my school days, the time when I didn't have any fervor with any subjects!) , I often find some English sounds so beautiful and meaningful to each word. I'll write about it if I find anything new!

shine

2009-06-25T19:05:00.002+09:00

Lately, I think of English words' sounds and find several of them beautiful.

I love the sound of "shine".
Whenever I say "shine" out loud, or even just imagine "shine" in my mind, I feel something shiny in front of me.

The "sh" sound makes everything sparkling!
Then "ai" double-vowel comes after "Sh", you open your mouth so wide, that you feel the "sh"'s shiny air is brought from your mouth into the air.
Then you close your mouth to say "n" sound as if you enjoy the shiny sound.

I think it's perfect!
It shouldn't be "dine" or "gine" or "rine" or anything but "shine"!

Am I weird to feel this? I don't know....
I want to write about the sound of one more word.

better and better

2009-06-25T18:59:00.002+09:00

When you feel something worst, then you will feel better and better as I've been so for the past two days!

When I woke up yesterday morning, I already felt better.

I chatted with my friend, who made me feel even better. She listened to my story and understood the struggling and was with me.

Today, I went shopping to buy a pair of black sandals since the only black pair I had got broken last week. I found good ones and felt so happy.

You can do anything which might make you feel better and you'd realize you had been already happy.

tomorrow

2009-06-23T21:10:00.002+09:00

Sometimes, I'd feel like I want to stop living my life then I'd find that kind of thought so wrong and think of myself stupid.

I have a tiny darkness in my mind. Every time I meet the person it would emerge to my mind again.... and I'd remember it'd been existed. I'd think I'm the lest happiest existence on the planet, I know it's not true, but you sometimes go there and cannot help.

Today I was in that kind of mood and I hated my fate of having the person around me. I know it's an evil thought and I don't want to think that way.

Sometimes, I'd miss yesterday because I was happier there.
Sometimes, I'd miss even tomorrow because I want today to be gone as soon as possible.

Today, I'm hoping I do have tomorrow as soon as possible and I know I will!

Hello, tomorrow, where are you? I want to see you soon! I'd love you there!

I love you, tomorrow!

Tomorrow, I'll feel much better.

Summer!

2009-06-19T16:10:00.003+09:00

It's been so hot today here in Osaka. I compared the temperatures in several places.

It's 16:10.
According to Yahoo weather website current temperatures are:

In Osaka, 89F

In Brooklyn, 64F

In Washington. D. C. 65F

I know it's at midnight in the US though...... it's hot here! I'm sure summer is right here!
I feel like going to the beach right now!

Sunday dinner and Tonight's

2009-06-09T22:05:00.010+09:00

It was Takao's birthday this Sunday. So I went to the department store after doing an MC job at a concert hall outskirts of Osaka and bought two boxes of luxury bento-box made by a famous restaurant (it was on a bargain, $10 for each though!) and a rolled cake with a lot of fruits in it!

We enjoyed his birthday party together with these gorgeous meals. Thanks to the department store shops!

Then tonight, I made dinner like this.
It was cloudy today so I didn't want to go out. I made it up from what we had. The white meal was made of Tofu, salty sun-dried sermon, a cucumber seasoned with soy-sauce dressing, mayonnaise, and some seeds of sesami. The brown meal was made by chicken, eggplant, carrot, and Shimeji and Maitake mushrooms seasoned with instant brown stew block, ketchap and salt'n pepper. Even though I didn't go grocery shopping, it was still a gorgeous dinner!

Assisted an ESL activity on a school trip in Nara

2009-06-01T19:47:00.003+09:00

I visited Todaiji in Nara today with elementary school pupils. Several English language volunteers were asked to help them for their ESL activity to interview foreign tourists from all over the world.

Last Tuesday, I got a phone call from my friend who is an elementary school teacher. I met her in Canada in 2001. We were class mates in an ESL school. Our meeting was interesting. It was my first experience both to stay in local people's home in English speaking country, and also to attend an ESL school. We sat next to each other on my first day at the school. We both had a limited ability to speak English at that time. We were serious students so for the first few weeks, we just tried to communicate with each other just in English, not in our mother tongue, Japanese, so our conversation hadn't gone very deep.

As her leaving time was getting near, we gradually had a desire to know each other more and finally one day, when I had a gloomy day and needed someone to talk to in my language, we started to speak in Japanese. Then we knew that we had the same accent, a kind of Osaka dialect, after a few weeks from the first meeting, we knew we both were from Osaka!

After being back in Japan, we got in touch with each other, and she started to come to my house regularly to have music lessons with me. We became close friends before long.

Anyway, I got a phone call from her, and she asked me to help their ESL activity and I said Yes! The activity plan was: The 6th grade students were going to visit Todaiji in Nara and try to interview foreign tourists by themselves. When they need any help, for example, when they cannot understand what the tourists are saying, then we, the volunteers, are there to help them.

Last Wednesday, I went to the school to have a rehearsal with them. The 5th and 6th grade students in the school are going to have English class once a week regularly starting from this month or so. They have done English classes with a native speaking teacher coming from outside for several times. They are getting used to English but still have difficulty with it. So this is a very challenging activity for them. At first their voices were rather small but got louder and louder as they got used to it. I was so impressed with their efforts.

And it was the school trip day today! I was assigned to a group consisting of 5 boys. They asked a question about Japanese cartoons. They greeted the tourists, asking if they may ask a question, asking to take a picture together, saying thank-you, handing a thank-you card to the interviewees. Our group met four groups from Holland, England, Australia, and France. All of the interviewees were kind and patient, waiting for the students speaking slowly but accurately.... I think they had a great experience there. Thanks to all of the tourists we met there!

As I was being there with them, I remembered my first experience talking to foreigners..... when I was a kid, perhaps, I don't remember exactly when, but I do remember that I was so nervous about if my English could be understood or if I could understand what they were saying. So my voice must have been so small and my pronunciation was not so good. But I was sooooooo excited when I could communicate with foreigners for the first time then I thought I wanted to communicate with them deeper and deeper..... The first experience and the first impression led me to the study abroad experiences afterwards.

I hope they had a great time today with us and liked the communication with foreigners. I also hope some of them are going overseas in the future and become rainbow bridges between many many people in the world!!!

Booko was gone to heaven in peace

2009-06-01T16:22:00.005+09:00

On May 23th, early in the morning she was gone in peace under the gaze of Takao and I. She gave us a lot of happy moments and we were really fortunate having her as our family.

She loved getting on top of towels, especially when they were newly washed like this picture.

We love you, Booko, forever. Thank you for your lovely presence in our lives.

And... we still have two more kitties with us, Gara and Momo. I hope they have longer and joyful lives with us.

Please pray for Meredith

2009-05-11T20:56:00.004+09:00

Some of you might remember my friend, Ben Wallis, who has given such encouraging comments on my blog several times. Although we have met each other just twice at the Western Wind workshops last summer and this winter, we became so close to each other spiritually through our conversation via e-mail.

Recently I heard sad news from him. His eight-year-old granddaughter, Meredith, has been in the hospital since April 27th in a medically induced coma. My heart has been aching since then.

My friends, no matter what kind of religion you have or you don't have any, please pray for her
and her family. It's so sad to hear such a little angel is in the hospital and in a serious condition... I've been praying and will continue to do so.... but I thought I could write about it here and you could add your prayer for her and then the amount of healing power reached her and her family.....

For more information please visit here.

Thank you for your warm spirit.

Spring!

2009-04-21T13:28:00.001+09:00

It's spring over here! This is my neighbor shrine with beautiful cherry blossoms. We've been having a peaceful time since we came home. There will be the first rehearsal with my choir this coming Friday. I feel so grateful to see them again!!

See you, NY, and hello again, Osaka!

2009-04-17T18:40:00.004+09:00

Takao and I have arrived our loving home safely, for him, since 2 weeks ago, for me, since exactly 365 days ago. Both of the flights, NY to SF, SF to Osaka, got off on time.

The first thing I did was going up stairs to see our kitties. I called their names, Booko replied under the blanket and appeared soon, Gara replied cowardly behind the TV and didn't appeared while I was there, Momo didn't reply at all but showed her face from the box on the wardrobe and looked at me puzzled. I realized how long I hadn't been here.

Takao went out to buy Bento boxes for dinner while I was cutting bagels from Whole Foods NY to put them in the freezer. We have enjoyed the bentos and miso soup as we were watching the baseball game, Yokohama Bay Stars and Hanshin Tigers. Kanemoto hit home-run as if he welcomed me back!

We called my mother and his parents to let them know we got home safely.
I feel like I can sleep 24 hours tonight!
Good night from Osaka, Japan!

reunion with my husband after a year of absence

2009-04-04T17:19:00.003+09:00

My husband, Takao, arrived at JFK at 3AM safely! I went there by a car service. The driver was a nice guy so I enjoyed talking with him all the way, never got bored!

It was a good timing. Just right after I entered the airport building, he came out with his luggage. We didn't hug each other but just say "Hi!" "Oh" or something like that. We were so natural as if we hadn't have such long absence at all! His flight was delayed for about five hours at SF and the airline gave no food so he was hungry. I cooked Top Ramen with egg. He enjoyed it and is sleeping peacefully now. I cannot believe we are together again. I feel so relieved and peaceful. We are having twelve days here and going back Japan on the 16th.

Not my days but OUR days in NY just started! I'm so happy to have him here.

I'm so sleepy.... so I'll go to sleep. Good night!

Such a special evening!!

2009-03-17T05:04:00.012+09:00

I had such a special evening last Saturday at the Polyhymnia concert.

The concert went so well and I was feeling like being in a heaven all the time.
What made the evening special is not only the music, I had a lot more!!

Many of my friends were there:
Marge, Rita, Cricket, Bruce, Sig and Dorry, Hsin, and Ann from Friday Night Group.
Ieva and Togu, Lisa, Jonathan from my neighborhood, Park Slope, Brooklyn.
And Pastor Eugenia and Dinah from the nursing home I was volunteering.
Also, I met several friends from The Western Wind workshops.

I felt especially overjoyed to have Dinah there. She is my piano student, we had several lessons together. Also, I feel like she is my mother at the nursing home. Whenever I cried or was discouraged for some reason, she gave me snack, such as cookies, chewing gums, crackers, chocolates, and it soothed me so much.... I'd been very much hoping to invite her to my concert. Actually, we had tried it once. I invited her to the Columbia Collegium Musicum last November. She made a reservation for the Access-A-Ride, however, somehow, she couldn't get the car. I heard from the pastor that she cried a lot when she knew she couldn't make it. The next time we saw each other, we hugged each other and cried and cried together for a long time. I felt so sad and thought I wanted to invite her again.

This time, by the great help of Pastor Eugenia, Ieva and Togu, she finally made it!

I was so delighted when I saw her at the pre-concert lecture hall. I was sitting down one of the chairs but I couldn't help myself standing up and came over to her as soon as I found her there. We hugged each other. She kept saying "I'm so happy" and I felt the same thing. We handed in hand so tight for a while as if we were confirming our happiness together. It was the first time we saw each other since I stopped going there in the beginning of January.

She enjoyed the concert so much. After the concert, I introduced her to all of my friends being there. She enjoyed chatting with everybody, saying, "Please take care of my daughter, Naoko." I was so glad to be able to introduce her to everyone.

She couldn't go downstairs to join the reception, so they went to a cafe afterward. I joined the reception to say thank everyone for a half hour or so and headed to the cafe. She said it was her first time to have joyful time at a cafe in over the past many many years. Attending at a classic music concert itself was also very special for her. We enjoyed sandwich together happily.

Although we had to wait the car coming to pick her up for another 45 minutes or so in front of the church building in a cold air at midnight, I didn't feel any cold at all because I was filled with happiness. I believe everybody there felt the same way that night. The car came 11:30 and she left with a big smile. Still now, I feel so happy as I remember this, writing....

Another thing made that evening special was..... I had my best friend, Lisa, there! She told me that she was attending her relative's birthday party in Connecticut, so might not able to make it. I didn't expect she was there, so I didn't know she was there until I saw her after the concert. I was so overjoyed to see her there and couldn't stop myself crying and crying... They drove and drove after the party. I was so impressed with their doing it for me. We hugged each other so tight and I was so happy. And she loved the music, that made me happy, too! We shared the joy together next morning and reminisced the happy time...

I feel like the Friday Night Group people as my family now. They appreciate my every accomplishment with music with me. Whenever I get lost with my music, they are always there to help me out with open arms. I would join the singing session with them on Friday night and get back my confidence again. I have only several more Fridays with them. I cannot believe we have to say good-bye so soon......

The concert evening became such a memorable time for me. I will not forget that evening in my life.

I cannot wait to get the recording and let my husband listen to it!!!

Now, I have to move on.....
I'll be appearing a small concert this weekend at my friend's apartment.

I'll be singing a solo piece with Togu's accompaniment , a quartet piece with Hsin, Rita and Sig, a duet piece with Richard, and accompanying a Dowland piece with viola da gamba by Virginia for Caroly singing. I have a lot of separate rehearsals this week also I have practice by myself. I have to work hard so that I would not regret the precious time with all of them!

feeling of no one and everyone

2009-03-13T10:10:00.008+09:00

I finally recovered from a cold and feel so happy to be able to sing comfortably!

I'm going to sing at the Polyhymnia concert this coming Saturday.
I've been joining them only for this concert.
I was given this opportunity from my friend, Marge, who were singing with them for the past several seasons. She cannot make it this time and asked me to sing with them. I was delighted to be asked to sing among such an excellent smaller ensemble.

When I first joined them in January, I was so nervous and worried if I could do OK or not....
There were only two altos, including me, that evening.
Then we started to sing.
I was so surprised with how beautiful they sounded!
And I couldn't believe I was in it!
I thought it would be really great if I would be allowed to join them.
I was so glad when the conductor, John, said to me "See you next week, Naoko!" in the end of the rehearsal.

I have a special feeling whenever I sing among the choir.

I feel I'm no one and at the same time I'm everyone. It's hard to explain but....
I feel like my voice is melted with everyone's
so I don't feel like I'm singing at all....
or I feel like I'm singing but my voice is not only my voice
but everone's voice is sounding from my body or so.

Or.... I'm singing
but it feels like my voice is up in the air with everyone's voice,
dancing around, enjoying the music altogether!!
Like angels of voices are up there and smiling to us.

I don't have to worry about anything.
Just enjoy singing.

I hope you see what I mean.

I have to say good-bye to everyone in the choir after this concert. I'll definitely miss them. When I had to say good-bye for the C4 members, my heart ached a lot.

I should feel happy. Yes, I should feel so because I was given such a great opportunity to sing with them even for only one concert. If I didn't have this opportunity, I would not have known this wonderful feeling, a feeling of both no one and everyone.

I'm so excited about singing in this concert.
It's going to be beautiful.
I'm sure.

If you want to see me singing there, just come and listen to us!

communicating doesn't mean understanding

2009-03-07T03:36:00.002+09:00

I was thinking about this a lot yesterday.

For the past few days, my singing practice hasn't been working well and I cannot trust my ears, I hate my music, voice, timber, tuning, everything. Then I even think I should stop singing at all, maybe not now but after going back to Japan...? Because it is too hard. Yesterday, suddenly, I got sick and tired of putting any effort on music, an evil thinking! I thought, "Maybe I have bad bad ears and I never recognize good from bad, then I cannot improve myself at all, I cannot be a good musician at all."

Then I thought, how other people hear their own voices? By their inner ears, or by recording of their voices?

Then I thought, oh, I never know how other people feel about it because I cannot become others.

Then I thought, it's so sad somehow.

We communicate with each other, sometimes, desperately, to understand each other.
We spend hours, days, months, years, or for life, to understand people we love.
Sadly, we cannot truly understand anybody.

The fact saddened me.

One of the reasons I started to learn English language is to communicate with not only people who speak my language, Japanese, but also people who speak one of the major languages, English.

The more I learn English, the more I feel a limit which I feel I can never overcome.
I believe my English has improved somehow since I started to learn it.
But I am often told that my pronunciation or tone doesn't blend with other singers maybe because my mother tongue is different from others. Then I see the darkness.
Yes, it's natural and I maybe cannot get rid of my accent.
I feel so sad..... that makes me want to stop everything I'm doing now.

When you love something a lot, and put lots of effort on it,
You'd feel a big wall and get overwhelmed.
I know I am thinking too much.
I should take everything easier.
I know.

But I believe,
Thinking a lot about something teaches me.

I thought, yesterday,
we never truly understand others because we cannot become others,
Compassion might be the most difficult feeling to have.
But we should never give up to understand others,
We shouldn't.
When we give it up,
The world would become so cold.....

I don't give it up.
So I should continue to communicate with people.
I should not stop it.

Then I shouldn't stop music also?
I don't know the answer yet.

Why I make a relation between music and communication?
Maybe because I think playing music is a great way of communication, great when it goes well.
Then I would think if my playing music is a good communication or not..... then ..... not sure about it.

I hope I can find a good answer.

My mother's favorite

2009-03-04T01:37:00.003+09:00

After work yesterday, I went to the music library at the Lincoln centre. I didn't have specific things to check out in my mind.

I felt like I wanted to listen to a good examples of singing, so I went to the voice music CD shelf. I started from A-B section. A man was there. It was a narrow aisle.

He said, "Oh, sorry, I'll be out of your way soon once I find the one I'm looking for."
I said, "No, please go ahead, I have nothing particular in my mind, just looking around, so I'll start the other side, take your time!"
He: Thank you!
I: Enjoy your time!

Then after a while, I finished to look at the other side and went back to the B section again. He was still there.

He: Hi, again! Look I found it!
I: Oh, great! What did you find?
He: A Bach's cantata.
I: Wonderful! Do you sing?
He: No. Actually, this is my mother's favorite.
I: Oh, that is sweet. Enjoy it!
He: How about you?
I: I'm a choral singer so I'm looking for some music which I might want to sing.
He: That's the best way to do it! Enjoy exploring your music!
I: Nice talking to you!

I think he is in his late 50's or early 60's.
How sweet he is to listen to his mother's favorite music.

This warm exchanging soothed me a lot.
I love being in the libraries.....

18th wedding anniversary

2009-03-03T13:23:00.002+09:00

Today, March the 2nd is our 18th wedding anniversary!

We had our wedding party on March 2nd in 1991. I think about 250 people came to celebrate us, including 4 choirs we were involved in. Each group sang for us beautifully. My husband conducted for some pieces and I played the piano for several pieces in my wedding dress.

We first met in 1987 when I joined his conducting choir as an alto singer. My friend's brother was singing there and asked my friend and me to join. Actually, I was not so happy at that time so singing among the choir once a week became my joyful time. After a while, I was asked to become a pianist for another university student chorus, for which he was conducting, and I said yes. We saw each other more often and became good friends. We talked about music after the rehearsals, we thought of how we could make the sound better, how we could make the singers improve.....

After four years, we hold the wedding party and started to live together. I can't believe 22 years has gone since our first meeting!!!!

We have been good partners all the time both when we were doing music and when we were doing other things. We enjoy walking together. We love going to the library and explore our own favorite books for a while, we would go to a cafe then show each other what we got. We love spending time with our cats, just doing nothing special. We love going to the Koshien ball park to cheer up our favorite team, the Hanshin Tigers. We love traveling together both domestic trip and overseas. We love eating out together. We love talking over anything. We have never been tired of sticking together.

Now, for the past 11 months, we have been apart from each other. We had thought we would miss each other terribly, however, to our surprise, we have been enjoying being away from each other. We would chat almost every day by Google talk, we e-mail each other often. He would listen to recordings of my performances, practices, lessons, and give me his honest comments. I would read his writings and give him my comments. We feel like we are enjoying two lives in two different places together, so two times enjoyable!

I feel greatly thankful to him to let me do this staying in NY for a year experience. And I feel so happy that we are enjoying this experience "together".

This 18th wedding anniversary will be memorable for me. Thank you, Takao, for your continued warm support. I love you!

another music into my memory box

2009-03-02T12:35:00.002+09:00

There is something I do every time I finish my performance. Putting the music into my suitcase to bring it to Japan when I go back.

Today I put all of the C4 music into my memory box. The pile of the music became so high!

There will be four more performances to go. The Polyhymnia concert on March 14th, a small ensemble concert at my friend's apartment on March 21st, The Columbia Collegium Musicum in Hasse opera on April 4th, and finally The Columbia Collegium Musicum concert on March 14th. My departure date will be on April 16th.

I cannot believe I won't sing among C4 anymore. I fell like I've been with them for years although I joined them just for the past two programs. It started when I met the several members at the Western Wind workshop at Smith college last summer. I sang with three of them and was really impressed not only with their talent but also with their warm caring personalities. I thought I wouldn't able to see them again, I never imagined I could sing with them again, but to my surprise, they asked me to have an audition for C4 in the end of summer, which I had. Since then, time passed so fast. I got puzzled, struggled, and moaned to catch up with everyone. At first it was difficult for me to get the conductors instructions. I often didn't get where to start, where to put the dynamics, changes, nuances.... With my colleagues help, gradually, I became to enjoy every rehearsal very much! They are mostly much younger than me but they took care of me a lot!

I feel really lucky to be able to join them even for just a short time. I'll never forget this precious experience with them.

The last weekend concert was just wonderful. All the time I was singing, I felt we were all together, we were living in the same musical world with a great joy, including the warm audience!

In Japan, I was not so active as a choral singer. Recently I often think about what I want to do as for my choral life after going back to Japan. Am I looking for a choir I can belong to? Do I want to organize a new one by myself? Or do I do nothing with it just keep going with the elderly choir conducting as I was doing before coming here? I haven't reached the answer yet. But I'm sure this C4 experience has affected my musical life a lot not only for now but for the rest of my life.

As just a month and a few days left for me being here, I really feel, every experience,

from long-term one like working at the nursing home, joining the choir for a few months, relationship with church people, living with my loved friends for few months,

to a short term one like a wonderful meeting on the street, at the library, at a party, on the subway, the bus, even exchanging a word,

will be my precious precious memories.

My memory box, both practical one -my suitcase- and spiritual one -my heart- , will absolutely be full when I go back to Japan next month!!!

peace of mind

2009-02-27T02:55:00.003+09:00

I need peace of mind.

When I'm discouraged,
When I'm disappointed with my ability,
When I cannot trust myself,
When I hate myself,
When I feel I'm in a wrong place,
When I think of parting,
When I feel I'm useless,
When I feel I disturb everyone,

I need peace in my mind.

And I'm so lucky because I always have someone to help me get back peace of mind.

A colleague of C4 choir e-mailed me with beautiful words, that encouraged me and helped me feel again that I can sing among them,
My voice teacher e-mailed me with encouraging words, that made me think that I can learn from mistakes, from something went wrong,
A friend listened to all of my stories and would say "I understand you, Naoko", that soothed me,
A church friend just said to me, "feel well, Naoko", and I felt better already,
A friend from the workshop e-mailed me with a lot of warm expressions, that made me feel I'm not alone,
A passenger just smiled at me when I said to her, "after you!", that made me feel not only my friends but also all people I pass by are there with open arms,

Since the workshop, I've been having a lot of struggling with my personality, my singing, my cold (again!!), my life......

Now there is beautiful peace in my mind.
Now I'm ready to enjoy every music I play, including singing at the C4 concert tonight.
Now I can say I love music a lot.
Now I can say I'm having a wonderful life here.

I'm ready!

hello from Brattleboro!

2009-02-14T14:22:00.002+09:00

I'm in Brattleboro, Vermont now!!
I got up 6 in the morning and got to the office 8:30 then load all the stuff to the van we rented.
We have over 30 singers this time are singing for the next three days. I helped the registration. Although I couldn't do it so well, people were kind and forgiving, it helped me a lot!

Both the participants and local people enjoyed the concert by The Western Wind a lot and had a reception afterward. I learned a lot from them already. They sounded great.

I don't know if I can do it well or not this time. But I'm ready to enjoy it!

I'm so sleepy.... just wanted to let my friends know I'm fine.

Today's highlight was when I came out from the church after the reception, I saw beautiful stars in the sky. It was really amazing!!! I want to see the stars again tomorrow night after having a wonderful musical day......

Good night!

singing, playing and conducting .....

2009-02-11T11:51:00.005+09:00

I had such a musical time last weekend.

On Saturday, I sang a duet from Bach cantata 99 with Rita. We had sung together several times before. We became good duet partners. This time we chose such a challenging piece for us. When we started our rehearsal last fall, we could not sing it very well. We couldn't be united so well. Then the performance was postponed due to the pianist's breaking her hip bone. We were disappointed with the postponement. However, when we restarted our rehearsal in January, we found we improved a lot with singing it! Then we were more together than the last time!

After the performance, one of our friends came to me saying "Naoko and Rita were together all the time, especially your melisma was so beautifully together. I was impressed with it a lot!" I was so glad to hear that. Actually, I had a cold and didn't feel well that day. I couldn't hear my voice and thought it sounded funny and not good at all. But I tried to trust myself and just concentrate on our being together, building music together, saying the words together.... I was glad my intention was reached to the audience!

I was impressed with other singers' performances a lot! Some sang a Bach aria with the flute played by her daughter. There were a lot other pieces that were sung by hearts.... We were filled with lovely music that night.

On Sunday, I played many challenging roles in my church service. It was called "Choir Sunday" so the service was directed by our music director, Pam.

I played the piano for an offertory and doxology.
I played the organ for several hymns during the organist's preach.
And the most challenging thing for me that day was conducting the choir's piece. Usually we don't have a conductor. We have just a pianist,Pam, and sing with her accompaniment. However, this time, we had lots of complicated entrances, dynamics and mood changes. Pam and I talked about how we could make people feel better with singing it. A week ago, we thought about several patterns. I should play the piano part? Or I could conduct? We tried them.... and decided that Pam would play the piano and I would try to conduct.

I was not sure till that day if people feel comfortable to have a conductor since they usually didn't have one. I prepared for it, make music, practiced showing cues, breathing, dynamics and so on.

To my joy, people sang it so beautifully in the end! During the rehearsal, when some member asked about the note or rhythm, another member said, "Look at Naoko! She shows us everything!" something like that. I was so glad to hear that. Then everyone gradually looked at me and breathed with me, eventually we played music altogether, with a great joy! Ieva later told me that everyone seemed very confident and to sing so joyfully. That was great! I felt really happy while I was conducting because people were singing so spiritually. I was so impressed with their singing and I felt so happy that I could be helpful. I'll never forget this day.

I have to admit that I was so exhausted when I got home.....!! But it was a good kind of exhaustion!
I had such a musical time.

And..... I will have another musical time next weekend! I'm joining The Western Wind Winter Wonderland Workshop in BrattleBoro, Vermont! I very much look forward to seeing wonderful singers there and having a great time together. I have to get over my cold till then.... I will!

They taught me....

2009-02-06T01:13:00.003+09:00

My husband sent me a sound file yesterday. It was a recording by the senior choir members I was teaching in Japan and currently my husband teaches them for me. They are having a performance at the city cultural festival in the beginning of February.

I was deeply impressed by their singing. It taught me a lot.
They were singing in their language, which means in MY language. Their words came into my mind so directly. Rang the bell.

I've been singing a lot of pieces since I came to NY last spring but rarely have had a chance to sing any in my language. As a result, even I would try to think of the meaning while I sing, I tend to care too much about the rhythm, melody, pitch, etc.

I'm performing a Bach duet this coming Saturday at a small concert. It's a challenging piece. I've been struggling with it and was thinking everything was going wrong with my singing..... lately. But the recording taught me that I should more care about the meaning of the piece. I should understand every word while I sing it. I'll work on it today. I'll try to make it best until the last minute.

They taught me one more important thing. They sounded so joyfully. Singing is a joy!

Whenever I get stuck, some gift would be sent to me and save me. I'm so fortunate.

I cried because....

2009-02-04T07:25:00.004+09:00

When I was looking for lyrics for the composition assignment by the conducting class teacher, I found an impressive expression:
"I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet"

Though I didn't use this for my composition, this expression stayed in my mind.
Yesterday, I had a situation similar to this.

I was crying yesterday. For nothing. For small things.
I felt insecure, about everything, about my music, my voice, my life here and there,
I felt sad, about everything, about .......

I couldn't stop myself so I left the office and went to the bathroom downstairs.
I entered a room and shut the door, started to sob, like a baby! (don't laugh at me!)
Then somebody started to talk..... in a very loud voice.
I didn't know who it was.

The voice was talking about her life.
How she was doing OK in 90's.
She had a good job, good income.
She had her family.
Her husband was doing great at that time.

Then she lost her job.
Her husband spent all the money and left.
She was talking and talking.....
She didn't understand why her life went wrong.....
When it started to go wrong... .
She doesn't believe it was her fault.

I opened the door and came out, standing before the mirror.
I washed my face.
A miserable face was in the mirror.

The voice was coming out from another room.
She was speaking to herself.
I could tell she is a homeless.

I felt as if she was encouraging me while I felt sorry for her.
"Don't cry about such small things. You won't die from them, right?"
I felt she was speaking to me like this.

Yes. That's right!

Maybe I was a little bit tired.
Maybe I was a little bit overwhelmed.
Maybe I was thinking too much about many things.

I'll be all right.

music in the chapel service and a piano lesson afterward

2009-01-31T07:18:00.005+09:00

I went to the nursing home for the first time since new year. The current pastor was not there so she asked Ieva to sub her. Ieva asked me to help her. I thought it would be a good opportunity for me to see the residents again.

Since I stopped going there, The residents' faces appeared in my mind and would greet to me. I often felt guilty stopping going there without any notice to them. Or I simply doubt my decision to stop doing it was right or wrong..... My mind was wandering around since then even though I feel happy with my new life involved a lot in music.

I went to Ieva's place and we took the subway together. As we were heading to the Home, I felt odd. I felt the Home so far away, not in terms of distance, but in terms of my mind-set. I felt the Home a different place. And at the same time, it was exactly the same. And I felt even at home somehow.

People greeted me. Some told me they had missed me, saying they would love to have me again, including my music class.

The chapel service was lovely. Ieva asked each resident what they had in their mind to say to God. Some sang, others prayed, or said something. All of the words were impressive, yet I didn't become emotional until I saw my piano student. I know She had missed me a lot. I felt especially guilty for her. But I tried not to be upset. I tried to concentrate on the music.

I played the "Precious Lord" for the first Hymn, which is my favorite among the songbook. Ms. Paul sang beautifully in French, Ms. Robert sang spiritually... Mr. Johnson prayed energetically as always, Mr. Thurmond talked about his childhood memory enthusiastically. And Mr. Harris, who loves music especially the piano playing, talked to me all the time during the service, "Play the piano, she wants to sing, play the piano with her! I haven't seen you for a long time. Where were you? Where were you for such a long time. You should play the piano!"

I loved all the people there. I realized how much I loved them. Then I thought, even so, I cannot go back there as a regular volunteer. I cannot tell why. Just I thought so.

I decided to think of this, God gave me a time for prepare for our parting. Before coming here, I was not sure whether I could build a good relationship with them, or whether they would accept me. After a while I started to work there, I already began to feel I would miss them terribly after saying good bye. I was imagining how hard it would be when my going back to Japan, the time to say good bye to them. Now, I am in NY and don't have to say good bye to them. I can visit them anytime I want, and also I reduced my visit so that I can have a slight distance from them...... I can think of it sadly but also positively.

After the service, I talked my deep thoughts only to my piano student. She said, "thank you for sharing, Naoko. This is helpful to me. I'll pray for you. You can visit me anytime, I'll be glad with it!" After chatting, we had a piano lesson. It was a glovely time.

I think there would be a chance or several times for me to do the same role. I look forward to seeing them next time!

Taking a cab in NYC

2009-01-31T07:05:00.003+09:00

On Wednesday, I was told to escort a woman, who is an adviser for the office, to her assisted living place. After work, we took a cab and got in together. It was my first experience to get in the cab in NYC for this stay. I didn't know I had to shut the door. In Japan, you don't have to do it. The door will be open and close automatically by the driver. It was a van type cab. The driver told me to push down the red button and shut it. I tried but it was not good enough. The driver said, "Do it strongly! Slam the door!" Oh I can slam the door! Usually it's considered to be rude to slam the door. I did it strongly then it was shut eventually. The driver said, smiling, "Good job!"

Then when we got off, I had use a credit card to pay the fare. There was a machine. The driver told me how to use it. I swipe the card, then failed, did it again, it was successful! Then I have to decide how many percent of tip to give him, I asked the adviser lady to decide, she pushed 25 %, then the receipt finally came out!

I said to the driver, "It took time for you to teach me, I'm sorry." He said, "No, no, sometime it'd take much more time for others to understand it. Or sometime, the machine doesn't work well at all, it's really annoying, but you are very good!" I was glad to be told that!

There are lots of things I don't know in NYC!

sacred time

2009-01-25T14:40:00.003+09:00

I love my vocal lessons a lot.
When I started it, it was really hard to follow my teacher's instructions.
I struggled and wandered every now and then.
I became desperate sometimes.
One day, I noticed how much I improved by listening to the past lesson's recordings.

When I realized I started to feel our lesson as a sacred time.
I don't know since when...
Maybe after having a hard time in my life here and was seeing for some hope, or maybe not because of it.
I feel so happy that I can learn so many things from her, or during the time learning music with her.
When I'm in the lesson, I feel as if I was in a different world, where everything is pure and beautiful.

Preparation for each lesson is not so easy.
Required a lot of work.
Sometimes even if I put a lot of effort, I fail to be better.
My direction for being better would be wrong....
But I believe it's better than doing nothing.
I don't want to be afraid of making mistakes.
It's worth doing it.

My teacher keeps encouraging me.
She understands how much I work hard.
She never gives up to make the music improve in any ways.
She herself doesn't spare any effort for making her music better.
Most of all, she loves music a lot.

I like her way very much.
I'm very fortunate to have her as my teacher, or I should say as my mentor.

I thank God to let us meet.
I have been given so many gifts from God.
I am so fortunate.

I want to share my fortunes to everybody I'll be meeting for the rest of my life.
So that I can remember my fortunes forever.
I am so fortunate.

counting

2009-01-25T14:25:00.002+09:00

I count the remaining days being here.
Sometimes I even cannot sleep well when I think of it.
What I can do for the rest of the days?
What am I going to do after going back to Japan?
As the time comes near, I think of how I can make the transition, both mentally and practically.
It is very destractive.
I want to be stable but I cannot be stable about it.

Yes, I can see my loved people again who are waiting for me.
My husband, my family, my friends, the member of my choir, and my kitties.
It's really exciting.
Yes, should be exciting.

Then I imagine how much I would miss my precious friends I've been establishing a rapport here.

I should not count it any more.
I should enjoy the each blessing time without thinking of how many more times I can have it.
I should think of how wonderful it would be that I can share all of my joyful experiences with my precious people in Japan when I go back there.
It should be exciting.
Yes, it should be.

having a break

2009-01-11T00:14:00.002+09:00

After talking to my friends, thinking about it a lot, I decided not to go there for a while. I called them that I cannot be there for a while because of my private matter, yes, this is my private matter, nobody's fault.

Now, I feel much better. I'll do something else. Maybe focus on music for a while. Then when I have free time and when I feel like seeing the residents, I can visit them as a friend of them. Not a bad idea, I think.

So don't worry about me, my friend!

It's snowing today, I should keep warm, and have fun!
Have a nice weekend, everyone!

Happy holidays!

2008-12-30T12:46:00.005+09:00

December is called "Shiwasu" in Japan. It means even Buddhist priests, who usually are calm and never rush, would run to make end of the year prayers and blessings to every family. Indeed, time flies in December.

I had two vocal lessons this month. I thought I improved a lot and was so glad after the second lesson. My teacher said, "Naoko, finally, I hear your true "A" vowel!" I was really happy to hear that!

I started to feel the good vibration in my voice when it goes well. I try to feel a sweet spot on each note and each vowel, sometimes it goes well and I need to spend less energy to sing. After the lesson, I tried to do it again but I couldn't do it well! Even today, I practiced singing but could do it well....... depressing!!! Life is not easy. Learning something is not easy. Mastering something is always hard!!

I had several jolly events this month!

On Christmas Eve, I attended two church services, one in my church where I sang among the choir, and another in Manhattan where my vocal teacher sang among the choir. I was not feeling well, couldn't sing well, was not happy..... However, God gave me a gift. In the end of both services, I received kind comments. At my church, a young couple before me looked back to me and said, "It was very nice having you behind us, thank you for your lovely singing!" At another church, an elderly couple before me said to me, "You have such a lovely voice! God bless you!" Wow! Although I was not in good condition, I believe I improved so I received those kind comments! Thank you very much for the Christmas gift!

At my church Christmas Eve service, the most impressive scene was the moment of "Lighting of Candles for Candles" We sang John Lennon's "Imagine" altogether. I knew this song and had loved it since I heard it first time. But it was different. This song sounded so new. Still new to me. And it was sad somehow to feel that this song was new. I imagine, when John compose this song, he wished this song would not be new any more when people sang it in 21st century. There would be no war, no conflict over religion, no poverty, no greed, no sad evens between people or countries. It was sad that this song sounded still new.

What's more, I joined a Messiah singing in event. It was great fun singing with singers I had never met before! When I sang this piece for the first time, maybe over 15 years ago, my English ability was at a beginner level. This time as I was singing it, the meaning of each word came into my heart and I was impressed both with the music and the words. It was a great experience!

On 23rd, I was invited to carol singing party at my vocal teacher's place. We sang lots of carol songs altogether. They sounded really great. I met wonderful people there. I enjoyed both talking with them and singing with them!

On 25th, I was invited to a Christmas dinner by one of the Friday night members. We had dinner at a dinner in Chelsea, Manhattan, and went to her apartment afterward. Again, I met lovely new people there and very much enjoyed talking with them!

Then..... last Sunday, it was a big day. I subbed my church organist that day. I never expected I could play the beautiful organ and the piano at my loved church in Park Slope, Brooklyn. I went to the sanctuary almost every day last week to practice. All people were very supportive to me. They came to me before the service saying, "you'll be fantastic!" "If you need any help, just wave to me, I'll be here anytime!" "Do you need any help?" ..... And after the service, people came to me again with their kind comments!

It's Monday today. I feel really relieved, finishing most of this months events. Lisa was back from her friend last night. I went to the airport to pick her up. I was really glad when I saw her at the baggage claim. We had a good time together today with her friend, Jackie. Walking on the street, found free books, went to the drug store, where I bought vitamin C and Melatonin to stay well.

There is one more event tomorrow. The Bible Study at my nursing home. I couldn't be there last week because of sickness and the organ practice. I'm glad to see my loved residents in the end of the year.

I might write more within this year but.....

Happy holidays to everyone.
I wish all of you a happy new year!!

When you die.....

2008-12-13T00:13:00.003+09:00

After the chapel service yesterday, I visited several residents. Mr. D is rather younger compare to other residents, in his fifties. He is in a wheel chair. He can't walk by himself. He's been trying the physical therapy several times a week since he came here. He almost always stays in his room, watching television quietly. He has also difficulty in his speech. He can only speak slowly, but actually which helps me. When I talk to him, I don't have to rush because he speaks slowly so I can' speak slowly, too. I feel relieved when I talk to him.

Yesterday, our conversation went like this:

Me: I'm going home soon, so came here to say hello to you!

Mr. D: You mean you are going back to Japan?

Me: No, no! I'm going back to Japan next April. I mean I'm going home to Manhattan now. I have four more months being here so I'll still be around for a while, Mr. D.

Mr. D: You come back?

Me: Oh, I have no idea. I wish I could come back but I'm not sure, you know, the economy is not so good in my country,too. Maybe I would try to save some money and come back or maybe not... If my husband agree with me.

Mr. D: You should!

Me: Oh, you think I should? So maybe I should!
My husband is coming in the beginning of April. I think I'll bring him here to introduce him to you all because people here are important to me. I hope you... no, you know, I have a mixed feeling about it. I know you really want to go home so I hope you'll be at home until then, which means you won't be here..... but if you are still here, I want you to meet my husband.

Mr. D: I ...... will be here.

Me: You sure?

Mr. D: Yes, because I can't walk so I can't go home. I'll be here.

Me: Well... I'm glad if you are here and meet my husband then. I'm glad for me but I'm sad for you if you can't go home soon. Mr. D, do you want to go back to your country, Jamaica?

Mr. D: Oh yeah!!! (He literally shouted, it's rare for him to make a loud voice!)

Me: Really?

Mr. D: But I won't go back to my country any more. I can't walk.

Me: But you might be able to even visit your country some day, even for a short time.

Mr. D: No. I'm in a wheel chair. I can't be there. If you are in a wheel chair, can't walk, you can't be there, in my country, no.

Me: Oh, Mr. D, I'm sorry for you (suddenly tears comes to my eyes). It's so sad. I'm sad for you. You want to go back to your country badly but you know you won't.

Mr. D: I accept it. I don't want to accept it but I have to accept it. But I'll never give up. I'll do the therapy and try and try. I won't give up.

Me: I like your attitude, D. Your positive attitude. And your broad mind. As I look at you, I think, then, maybe, I shouldn't give up anything I want to do either, right?

Mr. D: No, you shouldn't. Never give up. You shouldn't.

Me: No, never! Until we die, right?

Mr. D: When you die.... you are forgiven. (His words reached to the bottom of my heart . I was moved)

Me: Yes, when we die, we are forgiven. But until we die we should never give up. Thank you, D, I got energized by you. I'll see you next week!

We shouldn't give up anything until we die. Then when we die, we are forgiven. Thank you, Mr. D.

you never know if you have tomorrow

2008-12-12T00:31:00.004+09:00

I talked to a resident on Monday. He is over-weighted and can't go out by himself. He's been leading an inconvenient life himself. But he doesn't complain and very positive always. I like him. I often visit him when I feel down.

After the summer music workshop, I visited him and talked about my language problem I had at the workshop. He advised me to bring a recorder next time and record the conversation, then listen to it afterward. His advice is always practical and I can be positive after talking with him. I remember he was hoping to go home before summer to have a barbecue party with his friends. It never happened but he doesn't complain.

On Monday, I visited him for the first time in quite a long time. He was hospitalized for a while to have a test, and I was away for the thanksgiving or concerts....

He asked me how I was doing. I told him what I'd done since I met him last time, joining the choirs, appearing in concerts, starting vocal lessons, attending a choral conducting class and so on. He seemed so glad to hear my story.

Then he said, "you never know if you have tomorrow. Nobody knows. No matter how you are old or young. So you should do what you want to do. You shouldn't have any regret like you could have done this or that. I'm glad you are leading a good life." like that.

Yes, he is right. We never know if we have tomorrow. Tomorrow might not come to you. It reminded me of the words my another friend gave me before. "enjoy each blessing one day at a time, aware that it may be gone tomorrow."

Then I realized I've been having such fruitful days since I came here. I won't have any regret because I'm doing what I want to do.

I had my music class for the fifth time on Monday. We enjoyed singing "Silent night" and "Jingle Bells" I didn't know "Jingle Bells" was originally written for the Thanksgiving day then people liked it and was changed to a Christmas song. We borrowed various kinds of instruments from the Adult Day Health Care Center and played it as we were singing. I asked people what they like about winter or Christmas. They answered like "seeking kids delighted with the gifts", "seeing beautiful Christmas tree", "snow", "don't like winter because it's cold!" (a person from Trinidad).... We had a great time together!

I have one more music class next Monday. Which Christmas song? There are many! I have to think about it.

I'm moving to Brooklyn this coming Saturday. I started to pack things on Tuesday and realized I have lots more things than I thought! Lots of music, lots of cloths or shoes I bought at the goodwill shop or salvation army shop or I was given by my friends!

My days after the concerts

2008-12-05T12:55:00.004+09:00

Actually I got a bad nose cold and took a day off today. I stayed home all day and was preparing for the final exam of the choral conducting class slowly.... and got stuck! Now, to change my mood, I want to write about my days after the concerts.

There was a sad thing about the concert. I didn't want to write about it because it was so sad....

My piano student at the nursing home was supposed to come to the Columbia concert. I was hoping to invite her for a long time and when I knew it was likely to happen, I was so delighted and was very much looking forward to it.

I asked the conductor about the accessibility for the wheelchair people and she inquired to the security about it and told me how to do.

On the concert day, I did as I was told to do so. I asked both the security at the gate and the university office's to help her to get in and also asked the church worker to take care of her.

I was looking for her all the time during the concert in the audience but couldn't find her. I was really disappointed and at the same time was worried about her, was wondering what had happened to her.....

Later I knew what had happened.

She called the Access-A-Ride to come to the entrance that evening at 6:30. They came, but at the different entrance from the one she told them to come. Then she missed her ride. It's really simple....!! But I couldn't believe it had happened. I decided to try to forget about it because I knew she must feel sadder than I do.

This Tuesday, I saw her at the Bible study for the first time since the concert. I hugged her from her back. She told me that she tried not to cry but just started to cry and couldn't stop. I told her that I will have more concerts next year so we could make it next time. I must invite her again for one of the next year's concerts.

It was a really heart breaking event for me. But such things happen often. So I should not be discouraged as she would tell me so everytime I get down.

By the way, as for the Thanksgiving holidays, I had a great time at Lisa's sister's place. in Philadelphia. More than 10 people got together cooked meal together, of course including a big turkey, said a grace one after another before meal as we handed in hand each other, enjoyed playing with the lovely kids. Especially, I taught some Japanese expressions to one of the kids. She was really excellent! She could copy my writing of any kind of Japanese characters, including Kanji, Katakana, Hiragana. I really enjoyed spending time there. It was my first Thanksgiving in my life. I think I gained some weight from it because I ate incredibly too much! I couldn't move at all when we finished the dinner! I think so did everybody there!

I enjoyed the conversation with Lisa on our way to and from there in the car. There were just two of us. Lisa was not busy except driving. We had to sit down at the same place all the time. It was good. I felt no hurry and could talk with peace.

After coming back home, I had several rehearsals for the small concert this coming Saturday. I'm singing a trio and a quintet with Friday night group people. I love everyone of them so I feel very happy to sing with them! But now..... I got a bad cold!! I canceled today's schedule, a hymn singing recording in the morning, a chapel service piano playing in the afternoon, the C4 rehearsal for the first time since the last concert. I wanted to be all places today... but just gave up. I thought the most important thing for me would be having a rest. I feel so sorry... but I believe it was a right decision.

I hope I'll be OK by Saturday and want to enjoy singing with everyone.

After the small concert, I will have the final exam for the choral conducting class. This will be very very challenging. I've been reading a music theory book since last Saturday. Rita lent me the book. It is filled with lots of things I wanted to know, chord progression rule, Roman numeric triad names, and so on. Richard lent me a big keyboard yesterday. I have only a mini keyboard which can only sound two notes at a time. Richard's keyboard can sound many notes at a time so I can confirm the assignment's choral sound with it. When I was stuck with the English expression in the questions, Lisa and Jonathan helped me to get the meaning. Now I have more questions about the meaning of the lyric. It's related to the Bible so I can ask it, maybe to Ieva? I'm so happy to be surrounded by people who are always willing to help me! I can't do anything without their help.

After the exam on Monday, I'll have my next music class at the Home. We are singing Jingle Bells, should be fun!

Then.... I have to prepare for my move, which will be the following Saturday, 13th. I don't know how much more stuff I have than I moved here in May. I got more cloths which I bought at the Salvation Army or the Goodwill shops, more books, more music, more shoes, bot not furniture.... so should be easy!

OK, now I have to get back to the exam stuff. I should enjoy it. I don't have to do it because I don't have to get the credit by it. The teacher is so kind that she gave me a chance to try it. I really appreciate her kindness. Anything I'm learning new will be my benefit for my life. I should do my best and if I can't do it well, that's OK, right? Yes!

It's already December, now. I can't believe it. Time goes by soooooo fast, which might mean I'm spending a fruitful life here, but I feel so sad when I realize that time's passing by because it means my days being here is falling away.

Since the Thanksgiving, I've seen a lot of Christmas trees on the street, heard every kind of Christmas carols from the radio, Christmas is coming!

Two concerts finished!

2008-11-27T10:31:00.003+09:00

The C4 concert went beautifully. It was not perfect, of course. But I enjoyed the time a lot. When I started to join the choir, I just thought I never could have done that. All people were better than me.... and...... But as I continue to join them, I got more comfortable being there, singing with them, because people are nice and caring all the time. I often got lost during the rehearsal where to start or what the conductor said. They helped me a lot. And I could be there in the concert. Ten of my friends came over to listen to us despite the extremely cold weather!!

The next concert will be in February. I look forward to meet new pieces next month and tackling with them with my loved colleagues!!!

Another concert was held at St. Paul Chapel, Columbia University, last night. It was a lovely place to perform. We had a very warm audience. I think our performance went very well, I should say the performance we had ever made!!

The program was all Heinlich schutz. I didn't know the composer when we started our rehearsal in September. OK, I will tell you from the start. I met Ray at the Smith workshop this summer. After a while he got in touch with me and encouraged me to join the choir. This choir is run by the university so the members consist of mostly the students, undergraduates and graduates. Only 4-5 among 26 singers are from outside. I had an audition at the beginning of September. I met the conductor, Amber, for the first time and loved her right away. I was told I was accepted as a member on the spot. I was delighted to hear it.

We had rehearsals two times a week, Mondays and Wednesdays. I thought it would be too much, but it actually wasn't. The pieces were tough and we needed a certain amount of time to get used it. I didn't know anyone except Ray at first. As I spent more time there, I got to know more people and people knew me also.

At the concert yesterday, as I was singing, I felt like they, especially my alto colleagues, were like my daughters or younger sisters. We hugged them before the performance and after that. One of the singers told me that I made them together. What a wonderful comment she gave me! I love choral singing. We have to be united as a choir, so not only we need musical skills but also we need communication skills and need to care what other people are doing. We are not alone. We are together. I love that kind of feeling.

Sometimes, being with somebody makes you tired, I have to admit. However, when you spend too much time being alone, you would definitely feel you miss warm and close relationship with somebody. As I live here by myself, singing among two choirs and meeting same people regularly makes me feel at home somehow.

Many of the singers invited their family there. I had no family to invite here. But I was delighted to see the faces of my precious friends in the audience. Seven people from the Friday night singing group were there, Lisa and Jonathan were there, my neighbor was there.....!!! I felt as if they were my family. I didn't feel lonely. I just thanked them again and again in my mind. I'm so lucky to have those wonderful people around me here and there.

I have many places where I feel at home, at my nursing home, at church, at Friday night group, at choirs' rehearsals, and one more place would be my closest friend, Lisa's place! Now I'm at her place and using her computer! We are driving all the way to Philadelphia tomorrow morning to visit her sister. Now Lisa is making delicious pies. I very much look forward to seeing new people tomorrow and also having my first and possibly the only Thanksgiving day experience.

Brazen Guns and Gentle Doves

2008-11-23T00:10:00.003+09:00

The theme of tonight's concert is "Brazen Guns and Gentle Doves" . The theme of my another concert next Tuesday is "War and Peace". Coincidentally, they are almost the same.

I really like the theme. Although I can't do anything special to bring peace to the world, I really want peace to prevail all over.

I'm not good at the scene where people argue each other. I remember one time, more than ten years ago, when I was with my choir's colleagues at a cafe after the rehearsal, two people at my table started to argue about a subtle thing, but it was getting serious and they finally started to shout each other. Next thing I knew was that I found myself crying although I was not the people who were arguing. I felt so sad to see them arguing because I loved them. The people I loved were arguing each other, which was the saddest thing to see at that time.

Peace means a lot. Peace in the world, peace in your nation, peace in your city, peace in your school, peace in your workplace, peace in your community, even peace in your house. If parents argue each other every day, it hurts the kids a lot.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here....! I love peace in any situation. I don't like people argue each other though I love having discussion about anything. I really hate people killing each other over things which we can solve by talk.

I'll sing tonight those of my wishes in my mind.

yellow ribbons

2008-11-22T23:53:00.003+09:00

Among the pieces we sing tonight, there is a song titled "Yellow is the Color of Ribbons" composed by one of our members, Karen Siegel. On Thursday night, when we had a dress rehearsal, the conductor, Phillip, told us to imagine anyone who passed away as we sing it. I want to tribute this song to Ms. James, a resident of my nursing home, who passed away this Tuesday.

She had been such a caring person. I remember the time Ieva and I visited her to the hospital when she had a diarrhea and was hospitalized. She seemed so weak, her voice was so small. When we talked to her, the first thing she asked us was how was everyone at the nursing home. She didn't complain her situation at all but worried about everyone else even when she herself was weak and had a hard time. I was so impressed with her caring attitude and loved her a lot. She was an angel God sent to us.

On Monday, I had my music class at the Home. After that Ieva told me that she was not doing well and might be dying before very long. I was shocked to hear that and felt so sad. We tried to reach her pastor, her close friend to let them know the situation. She asked her friend to bring her bags in which she put her important things. Ieva and I entered her room and tried to find the bags but couldn't find them. I had a sad feeling as I was doing it. The bed was empty and we were not sure if she could come back here again.

Then on Thursday, I went to the Home to help the chapel service and was told she had passed away on Tuesday, the next day we entered her room......

You had been so warm, kind, caring to everyone. You were loved and will be loved forever, Ms. James. Thank you very much being with us, with me, in your last days at the nursing home. We will never forget you.

performance day!

2008-11-22T23:39:00.002+09:00

It's a performance day today for the C4 choir. I'm so excited about it also a little bit nervous to be honest. It's freezing today so some of our members expect low turn out. But it doesn't matter. I believe we have warmhearted audience and they will receive our music gift, which we try to polish until the last minute.

On a performance day, I always have a certain feeling. Tonight I have to say good-bye to the pieces we sing. The performance time means the last time we sing the songs. When I first saw the pieces, I had no idea what they were, like a map of a place where I had never been, or a photo of whom I had never met, or a view which I had never seen before. But now, it's different! I know the street, how to get there, the view, the people, I can feel it, smell it, taste it, and relate to it. My love toward each piece has grown more and more. So today means my farewell to the pieces. I will say good bye to them as I give them to the audience as my special gift. To make my gift best, I have to do my best and most importantly, enjoy the time with my colleagues as well as the audience.

I can't wait the special time tonight. It's going to be great. I'm sure!

Hello diary, long time no see...!

2008-11-12T10:13:00.002+09:00

I haven't written about my life for a while. I've been fine but just having no time or no energy or too many things to want to write...... !

There was a fund-raising dinner dance party by my nursing home last week. I enjoyed it very much although I am not good at party scenes. I met several people whom I had first met on my second day at the nursing home. They were visiting us to bring donated clothes by church people. I had lunch with them. I remember the day very well because I was new at that time and was nervous and insecure. I was very glad to meet them again and was able to talk to them my joyful stories at the nursing home since I met them last time. It's been more than 6 months. I just realized how many stories I have to tell them! They are planning to visit us again next spring. They said they would try to make it before my going back to Japan. If it comes true, that'd be great!

My next place to live have been decided. My friend, Lisa, let me stay in her apartment again! I'm so excited to live with her again. Since I left her place, I missed the conversation we used to have every day. I feel very very thankful to her and very glad to be back in Park Slope, close to my church friends! I'll be moving out in the middle of Dec.

I had my music class (activity) at the nursing home yesterday. It was the third time. We sang the "Love's Old Sweet Song". Pastor Ieva helped me and it went quite well. Actually it was went interestingly well. At the warm-up time, I told them to roll their shouler and their neck..... most of them couldn't do that well. Some of them couldn't move their body, others couldn't understand my instruction, another couldn't hear me at all. It was somehow disfunctional, but still I enjoyed it very much. I have to think about simpler explanation or simpler way. Having microphone around, I asked people to say their name and their favorite flower. One woman just started to sing a hymn. She might have thought it was a chapel service since Pastor and I were around. Right, it's always at church when we are around. She went on till third verses and I enjoyed her singing a lot. After that I told everyone "now you can tell she is a great singer!" Everybody agreed with me. Communicating, understanding, reponding..... it's always not easy at our place. But somehow, always unexpected things happen and we all enjoy those happenings!

I'll be appearing at two concerts at the end of this month and am getting nervous. Everyday I wake up with insecure feeling like if my voice is OK today or not.... if I forgot everything about music, if I can do it OK tonight rehearsal.... sort of things.

God will take care of you. You are going to be OK, Naoko!
Good night and see you soon!

Walking companions

2008-11-05T10:08:00.003+09:00

On Saturday, I walked with leaves and music by my MP3 player. Thank you for walking along with me.

Thank you for your cute performance!

2008-11-05T09:54:00.003+09:00

I went to the St. John divine church to attend the concert by Early American New York last Sunday. On my way there, a squirrel greeted me with its cute performance!

not let it bother myself and enjoy every blessing

2008-11-02T09:29:00.004+09:00

There are not only fun but sometimes you should have uncomfortable things, maybe being treated badly, not having a person who was supposed to show up, being shouted by someone who gets mad at somebody else not me, being ignoring by somebody even when you greet to him or her, knowing the fact that you might be under fire for somebody's stress buster. I know I need to be strong. I know I need to be accustomed myself to others' culture here. I know I shouldn't let others bother me. But sometimes I can't. I can't deal with my shaky feelings.

I stopped to have lunch at the Home's dining hall from this week for some reasons. I don't want to write the reason but I somehow got tired of something sad. And couldn't get rid of it. And then I thought I want to get rid of it. I know it is a negative solution but I decided to be away from it for a while even though I was enjoying the conversation with the residents there very much. I'll see what I feel after a while, and then I might be going back there some time. I just wanted to get rid of my worry first.

On Thursday, I had another stressful situation. I was tired of myself being too sensitive about the same situation again and again. Naoko, you have to get used to it and stop crying! I said to myself but couldn't manage it well, no, I think I managed it well somehow. We had a good service. John gave us a wonderful speech. The residents contributed beautiful prayers, singing, comments. They departed there saying, thank you, it was good..... I was just feeling so down inside. My eyes got teary several times during the service and I tried to cheer me up and stopped crying.

There was a man, one of the resident who always shouts "Play the piano! She wants to sing, you play the piano! My mother used to play the piano...!!!" or something like that. He seems to like me and always keeps his place next to my piano at the service. He usually doesn't stop shouting until I play the piano so it's getting annoying to others because he doesn't stop even when the pastor preaches or somebody is praying.

Yesterday, I was surprised because he was quiet. He became quiet, I think, since when he saw my tears. He was there saying nothing but looked at me all the time. When I saw him, he would raise his hand, as if saying hi, Naoko, stop crying, I'm here, and I like you, or something like that. I felt his warmness. I saw him in quiet for the first time. I thought he saw through my mind very well. Thank you for your cheering, Mr.

After the service, a woman, my piano student, approached me, and said, "Naoko, I can imagine what's going on with you. Don't be discouraged. You are playing such an important roll here. Everyone loves you here. I'm sure. God will take care of you all the way. I promise, you will be a very very strong woman when you go back to Japan next year, I'm sure. I know it because I was called "crying baby" when I was young. I cried a lot. When I was dispatched to the Virgin Island, I was alone. I didn't know anyone there. One time, my income from the British government was delayed for three months. I didn't have anyone who helped me. I just had macaroni and sugar, that was it! I survived by them. I cried and cried for many other reasons. But I became so strong after that. I still cry sometimes even now but I'm strong now. You'll be strong. Understand?"

While we were talking, one of the volunteer came and joined our conversation. She is the one who taught me many things on my first day at the nursing home. I love her. She is cheerful and helpful all the times. Every time we remember a resident in the service who passed away recently, she would cry with her heart. She noticed my tears and said "Are you all right? You can talk to me if you like. But you know, my mother died last week and I've had a hard time, too." Then she went on her story about her mother's last time and her having to do mom's funeral. I pressed myself against her and we cried together. My sadness seemed so small compared to hers. We shared our sorrows and had a good time.

My rent for the apartment will raise from December and I have to move out. My landlady is in a difficult situation herself. The economic crisis again!!! She needs more money and my rent is not enough for her to keep her life good. I understand her situation. I understand it. But I can't stop worrying about my life.... and tend to get down since the meeting with her. I might get a place to live soon or even I can't get it soon, it's OK for me to look for a place and take time for a while. It'll be a good experience!

My friend gave me a great expression.
"enjoy each blessing one day at a time, aware that it may be gone tomorrow"

Yes, I should enjoy each blessing one day at a time. I love this!

A meeting at the library

2008-11-02T08:34:00.008+09:00

I love the atmosphere at the library. Quiet and peaceful, the librarian are helpful and seem enjoying their job. Last Wednesday, before the vocal lesson, I had time so went to the nearby library. It became my ritual.

When I go to the library, mostly I end up at the young-adult section. I love books for young people, especially the ones for youngsters who struggling with their lives by parents' divorce, discrimination, knowing love for the first time, life adventures.... and so on. I also struggled with my own life when I was young by various reasons, not knowing whether or not my father was alive, my mother's changeable boy friends, having to cook and have almost every meal by myself since I was 10, living away from my mom at the age of 1-10, a difficult relationship with my mother since after living with her. I was saved by people around me. But I assume there are lots of young people who need help right now without having anyone to save them. Even if they seem happy even with smile, they may hide their feeling inside because they don't want to make anyone worry about them or they don't want reveal their family problem, they may think it's normal because they don't know the outside world, others' situation. They might want to think of their family normal and then want to be peaceful although it isa false.

One of my dreams is becoming a translator for English young-adult novels. I want to introduce good English novels to Japanese younger people and encourage them, saying they are not alone, there are many many young people in the world who have similar problems as you. You don't have to worry. If you survive now, as time goes by, a bright light would wait for you with open arms, I want to convey the message by translating good novels for them.

Oh, I went off the track!!
When I was looking at the young-adult novel section on Wednesday, a woman in her late 30's started to talk to me, saying, "Hi, you know, I'm not good at reading. But I know I should read. I want to read. But I can't go on reading. I stop reading every time. Is it a section for youth? That's why I'm here. I thought it's easier for me to read on if I choose one of these books here. But I don't know which one is good for me."

I was so surprised to be talked suddenly. She had a Latino accent. And seemed serious. So I said to her, "I understand. I'm learning English, too. My first language is not English so. Do you like young girl's love stories? Or self-development stories? If so, I have a recommendation for you. I'll show you my favorite author." I took her "W" shelf. My favorite author since I came here is Ellen Wittlinger. I've read five books by her and liked all of them. Her book is not so deadly serious, full of happiness and jokes, but always touches deep issues casually. I like her approach. I recommended one of her book "ZigZag" for the woman. I explained the story and she seemed to like it and said " I think I check out this. I'll check out just one book, you know. And want to read it through." I hope she likes it and finishes reading!

After that, I had a weird feeling. I was like a librarian! Although I'm not an English speaking person, I recommended an English book to a woman who was looking for an easy reading book! It that great, isn't it? I felt happy both for me and for her!

The following is the books I've read since I came here:

1. "Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life" by Wendy Mass

2. "A Mongo-shaped Space" by Wendy Mass

3. "Olive's Ocean" by Kevin Henkes

4." Musicophilia" by Oliver Sacks

5. "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch　

6. "Freddy Plays Football" by Walter R. Brooks

7. "The NPR Classical Music Companion" by Miles Hoffman

8. "Razzle" by Ellen Wittlinger

9. "Zigzag" by Ellen Wittlinger

10. "A Long Way From Chicago" by Richard Peck

11. "A Year Down Yonder" by Richard Peck

12. "Twisted" by Laurie Halse Anderson

13. "Sandpiper" by Ellen Wittlinger

14. "Soon and very soon" by Sherryle Kiser Jackson

15. "Sold" by Patricia McCormick

16. "Parrotfish" by Ellen Wittlinger

17 . "Hard Love" by Ellen Wittlinger

And now I started to read "The Rules of Survival" by Nancy Werlin. It's about three children who have an evil mother and survives their life by getting a clue from their mother's boyfriend, who later broke up with the mother and became an ex-boyfriend, Murdoch. I'm enjoying the book very much.

Friendships with young people

2008-11-02T08:05:00.002+09:00

I've been having a good relationship not only with elderly people but also with young people since I came here over six months ago.

At the Columbia University choir, the Collegium Musicum, I sing with students. Most of them are not music major ones. I've been surprised how talented they are. Unfortunately, since they are busy for various reasons, the attendance is not so good, but we've improved little by little and our concert is less than a month away. I always look forward to seeing them in every rehearsal on Monday and Wednesday.

I started to audit another school's class since last Monday. This is a choral conducting class. There are only six students. I hope I can build a good friendship with them from now on. Last Monday, I was a little bit nervous for my first visit there. There were three student at that time. I was surprised to see that two of them are from Asia, my region, Korea! All of them were friendly and smiled at me. Choral conducting is one of the several things I really wanted to learn for years. I join this class to sing for the conducting by the students. I saw a big improvement in each student after getting the teacher's suggestions. It was amazing! Can't wait to join the next class. I'm very lucky to have this opportunity during my stay here. I don't want miss a class. I have stay well and keep a good condition so that I can contribute my singing to them in a best condition.

Also, I started to have a good friendship with twin boys who live next door to my apartment. Since I moved there, our relationship had been just like greeting each other. The change occurred when one them got injured his arm last month. I heard he had a surgery and felt very sorry for him. So I made a dozen of paper cranes as my wish for his quick recovery. They liked the cranes and another boy asked me to teach how to make it. I made a instruction models, following the several procedural steps. He tried to do it by himself at first, made a good effort, and the time came for me to visit him one night. We fixed the date for Tuesday night since I have no rehearsal that night. We've got together for two times until now. I like the time with them. We not only do the cranes but talk with each other. They told me they are working on their school paper project. I asked what was the main topic. The topic was the budget cutting! Oh, economy crisis is here, too! They told me it mostly affects the art subject, such as concert opportunities, movie going, museum visiting and so forth. Their lunch service may have been affected. I was so sad to hear that. One of them play the piano and sing beautifully, too. At the first meeting night, I was a little bit nervous because the following day was my vocal lesson and I had had a bad result at the previous lesson. I was not confident with my singing at that time. I confessed my feeling to him. He said to me "Naoko, you are an excellent singer, I can tell. I hear your practicing sometimes, and I know." I was very very encouraged by his words. At the next meeting, I told him that the lesson went very well and my teacher gave me a good comment. Then he said, "I told you that you are an excellent singer!" I think we became good friends now and I love them!

A song for this period

2008-11-02T07:57:00.003+09:00

I've been working on a trio piece by Schutz, "Rorate coeli desuper"

The lyric goes like this:

"Rorate coeli desuper et nubes pluant justum"
(Drop down dew, ye heavens, from above, and let the clouds rain the just),

"Aperiatur terra et germinet salvatorem"
(Let the earth be opened and send forth a Saviour").

What a suitable piece for today's situation. As I've been singing this again and again, the election day is closer. And now, just three days away. We may see the historical result. Can "He" save the world-wide economic crisis? I am invited to my friend's apartment, where tens of people will gather together and see the result. I feel privileged to be here in such a special time.

improvement!!

2008-10-26T03:11:00.003+09:00

I had my third vocal lesson on Wednesday.

For the past two weeks, I had been trying my best to improve my singing. I kept diary only about music. I wrote each day about what I felt with my body, throat, mouth, face, lyrics, melody, pitch, color of voice, diaphragm etc. , what I found new, what I realized something was wrong or correct..... everything. Sometimes I recorded my singing experiments. I would say, "this time, I will care about only breathing." then sang some phrase and listened to it later, and another time I would say in the beginning of the recording, "this time I would care about only relaxing my jaw." and recorded singing and listened to it later so that I can compare which way was successful and which way was not.

I practiced breathing using my diaphragm as much as possible as I relaxed the other parts of my body. I did it on the street, on the train, on the bed..... everywhere. For the first week or so, I couldn't get how to do it. My breathing was always shallow and I didn't know which part I should have used.... or anything. But one day, one time, my body responded to my will somehow, I thought, "Is that it?" and I tried to do the same way again and again, and wrote down what I intended to do at that time to the music diary.

One time, I was totally stuck. Then I thought, "OK, this time, I forget everything! I won't care how high or low the note is, weather or not my pitch is precise or something. I will sing a song!!" And recorded some phrase. Surprisingly it somehow worked.

On Wednesday, on my way to my teacher's, I was wavering. I was not confident, I expected I could have been worse than the last lesson. On the other hand, I felt I was stronger in some ways. I started to think that I had to be tough. "I'm going to perform before my loving teacher. I should totally rely on her. I have my music. I should show her what I've been trying in the past two weeks. Naoko, you will be OK! Having time with such a wonderful musician should be fun!"

Then...... I buzzed my teacher's door bell.

And it went..... well!! My teacher said to me I improved a lot especially with breathing! We worked on Bach duet piece. It was amazing. She has a magic. Every part was difficult and touch to deal with until then. She solved every problem, language, melody, breathing, flow of music, how to use my energy efficiently, and everything. It totally changed. There were moments I felt so comfortable with singing that day. I was very very happy with that.

She suggested me several new things. I have to work on these things and really want to improve myself more. It's really tough to change yourself, the way you have been doing it for so long. You have to deceive yourself somehow, mesmerize yourself to adopt new ways. My body respond in a wrong way every time and I get down..... I know it's tough but some bright lights wait for me and I will enjoy music more and more if I could achieve it.

++++++++++++++;
This has a following story. I was so happy right after the lesson and I was so hopeful next day on my way to the choir rehearsal. I expected I would sing better using things I got in the previous day. But it went bad! I couldn't sing well at all! I was so disappointed with myself. Then I realized that I hadn't learned about the pieces well enough and got nervous about the pitch, notes, and pronunciation..... Then I started to have a sore throat again Thursday night and it didn't go away on Friday..... It's Saturday today and I can't practice my singing but I can at least practice breathing, pronunciation, and language or anything other than singing, right? You can't do anything in one day. I'll continue to do my best!

A burial and hospital visit

2008-10-22T11:36:00.004+09:00

I had another special experience yesterday.

A woman passed away at my nursing home last week. Usually, if family holds the funeral in some place then there is nothing we can do for the dead resident. If the family can do the funeral and asks us to be there, we would be there. If there is no family but the resident had enough money to do his or her own funeral, then there would be a funeral and some staff or residents would attend the funeral.

This time, she had family but they had no money to hold her funeral, I suppose. The body was brought to the funeral home from the hospital where she ended her life. There was a visiting time on Sunday when the coffin was opened and her family or friends could come and said good by for her. When I heard this I was afraid if she had no one seeing her there. But the funeral home staff told us that around 25 people came to see her. I thought it was great. Then I realized even she had such many people who loved her so much and came to see her all the way to the funeral home, they couldn't afford to hold the funeral for her, also they might have to work on Monday so nobody could be at her burial. Even their family passed away, they couldn't have a day off on Monday. Life is not easy.

Anyway, Pastor Ieva and I went to the funeral home in the morning. We went to the room where her body was and sing a hymn and prayed for her. The coffin was opened. I could tell from her face that she now had no pain and peaceful. After a while we took a cab to the cemetery with the funeral car.

It was my first time to be at a burial. In Japan everybody must be cremated. It's decided in law. So when we bury the dead person, it's always the ashes. For me, it was so special to see the coffin was buried. I expected I would have had a sad feeling there. But it was not. We had a small service. Just Ieva and me, the driver from the funeral home and three of the cemetery staff were there. Ieva prayed and I sang a song for her. The weather was beautiful. I was gradually feeling better to see the beautiful green there, to see the good work by the staff there. I interviewed to the staff. The longest worker has been working for 35 years! Remarkable. Such an important job there are doing for us! They seemed to be proud of their job and a kind of enjoyed doing it in a good meaning. I felt just happy to see good people and to see that we would have such a wonderful place and wonderful people in the end of our lives. Ieva took a photo of the staff and me, then I told them that I came from Japan and it was good to see them. They liked my singing and was so nice to us.

Although it was a sad event, I can say I had a good time there. Ieva and me enjoyed walking there after a while, seeing grave stones there as we were imagining each person's precious life. There are such wonderful people doing a remarkable job in each place where we usually don't pay much attention. Thank you for your great job!

On our way home, we visited the hospital to see several residents there. We made a long chat with one of them. She has a heart problem and might have to have a minor surgery to put some material in her heart to keep her heart well. She said she was scared and didn't know if she should do it or not. We prayed together handing our hands. Tear came down as I pray for her. I understood her fear. It was difficult for me to pray in English, I didn't know what to say, but I just ask for God's help..... for her.

At lunch time, on the subway, on the street, all the way I enjoyed talking with Ieva. Our conversation always goes deep and deep.... like to a mental world. I felt there is no secret between us and felt so secure with her even our relationship was just a 6-month old, and our native language is different!

*********************************
Today I had a rehearsal with the pianist for the up-coming small concert at my friend's apartment on Nov. 1st. I'm singing a duet from Bach cantata 99 with my friend, Rita. I love her voice. She has such a lovely voice. It'll be our fourth time to sing together. I'm so lucky to have her as my duet partner.

Tomorrow will be my third vocal lesson. I hope I will do better this time!
Oh it's time to go to sleep now. Good night!

Osaka's local foods

2008-10-16T12:12:00.003+09:00

I found the article about Osaka's local food, Takoyaki, on NYT. I know this vendor, Kogaryu! Another local food I want to recommend is Okonomiyaki. If you have a chance to come to Osaka, You should try it!!

Actually, they would be much more popular than Sushi, in Osaka!

I've been doing all right. Every day is a sgruggling but worth doing it!

struggling

2008-10-12T01:37:00.001+09:00

I've been struggling with my singing.

Last month, I had my first vocal lesson with my new teacher. Until the second lesson, I tried to do:

* before singing, each time, breathing slowly and deeply, store the breath at the bottom of my belly, and relax my jaw.

* try not to be aware of my throat or vocal cord, just to sing by the order of diaphragm

* when saying "ng" sound, relax my tongue and try not to change the pitch when moving into any vowels

* My "i" vowel tends to be tensed on the tip of my tongue. So feel the back of the tongue and relax

* Once starting to sing, no hesitation, just going on. Don't push but don't hesitate

* make some room in the back of my neck

* when going down the step, I should be relaxed because the vibration decreases when the note going down

* When the sound is good, I should feel the comfortable flexibility everywhere

* my "u" vowel is not enough "u". It's different from Japanese "u" sound. should be careful.

During the two weeks until the second lesson, I just tried to follow those things, and became to have several problems.... maybe not problems but awkwardness?

Many things are connected to my English pronunciation. I became aware of my pronunciation when I read a book out loud. "u" is not "u". "i" is always tensed. "ng" is wrong, too tensed on my tongue. When I try not to change the pitch when I read aloud, I felt a kind of more comfortable to pronounce English words. So I just kept doing it but I was not sure.....

Breathing. I try to breathe deeply every time I sing. Then I didn't know how to keep the breath efficiently, how to go on singing a long phrase, how to use my breath by the same amount little by little. After a while, I became to feel that my chest becomes hard in the end of the phrase and I couldn't fix it.

+++++++++++++++++

The second lesson came this Wednesday.
This time, my teacher suggested the following points.

* F# is my unstable point. especially when I go between F# and A#, it really difficult to move naturally. When F# is fine, then A# becomes flat. when A# goes well, F# becomes sharp. I feel it, I understand what she said.. but it was really difficult to fix it. I felt so sad that I couldn't respond her instruction....

* Especially on A# or some other certain points, my voice get stuck! My teacher said, "You voice is stuck!" I knooooooooow!!! But I can't fix it!!! Help me!!! She tried to help me with many ways. But I think I couldn't respond to her instruction well. I hope I would be better next time.

* Support. When I vibrate my lips and sing a certain movement, my teacher said I can support my breath well. So after the lesson, I practiced the lips vibration. I felt the bottom of my belly became hard when I vibrate my lips. Then I try to sing by vowels, or by some phrases, making the same condition. After a while, I felt my entire body became tensed somehow, not flexible.... I know I should be relaxed, but I can't do it!

* I became flat in every end of the phrase. My voice tremble in every end of the phrase. I knooooow. But I can't fix it!!!! One of the reasons is tension of my tongue. The sound should go beyond my tongue, not under my tongue, especially when singing "e" vowel, my tongue becomes tensed. I found later that "u" and "o" also goes tensed...... almost all vowels!!!

Now....
I have to be aware of so many things. I want to sing naturally and relaxed, I know. But when I think of this and that and these and those and..... I become so tensed. I believe it would be the way to the progress. Now I feel I'm in a dark tunnel. I'm not flexible now. I am so awkward. I feel as if I am a kindergarten student, or even a baby, not knowing how to breathe, how to speak, or how to walk!

I know every teacher has their own method. I love my current teacher's music and I decided to learn from her. I have only 6 month being here. I don't know how much I can learn from her. But I believe I can learn something from her and improve my singing. I want to believe it.

But to be honest, I am not confident now...... I feel I'm not good..... I really hope things will be better with me! I'll try my best.

one-dollar bill

2008-10-06T09:53:00.003+09:00

On Friday, I went to the nearby grocery shop and stood in a register line after getting eggs and onions. There were a few people before me. Then a woman came ahead of me saying "I was.... uh..." She muttered something and stood in front of me. I said, "You mean you were in the line?" She said "Yes." So I said "OK, go ahead." She thanked me and go to the register.

I saw what she had in her hand. Fruits. Peaches, apples, and bananas. Maybe 2 each. I noticed everything was half rotten, not in a good condition, maybe discounted ones.

She seemed in her 40's, my age. Wore her grizzled hair in a bun. She wore decent wool suits but looked like old cloth. I noticed the skirt's back zip was half opened.

She seemed very nervous while register person was checking out. Looked the displayed price on the resister anxiously. Then 1.00 was displayed. She smiled a little bit and put one-dollar bill from her bag and gave it to the checker. She put it out not from her purse but directly from her bag.

Then the checker said something. It seemed the total price was not one dollar but one dollar and several dozen cents or something. She seemed very upset, fished for in her bag for awhile. I expected she put some coin from her bag soon. But nothing was showed up. I was surprised and my heart started to ache.

She had nothing but one-dollar bill. She said to the checker "I won't buy this." pointed out one of the fruit. Then the checker canceled one kind of the fruit, 2 peaches or something. Price became less than a dollar.

She asked the checker that she wanted to buy one peach if she could, so the checker weighed a peach again and add the price. The price was OK. She got a few cents of change and said "Thank you" to the checker and left.

I was deeply heartbroken. I thought I should have given her a dollar or even dozens of cents...... I was just stunned and couldn't do anything.

I usually say "I'm not rich. I have to spend as less money as possible here."
But I have enough money to live, enough to eat not only meals but also some sweets, my favorite ice cream, if I want.

There are many people like that woman. I wonder how she manage her daily meals..... Does she have any children? Does she have a place to live? Does she have any family to ask for help? I know I can't help everybody who is in need. I can't do anything...... My heart aches as I remember her now. What can we do for the needed people. Give money is not a definitive solution...... What can we do for them?

I want to spend each dollar for good use, thinkingly. I will.

this week

2008-10-04T08:07:00.002+09:00

This is my 24th week being in NY.

Monday:
I had my first music class at the nursing home. After introducing each other by saying your name and your favorite color, started with warming up, rolling your shoulders slower both forward and backward, rolling your neck slowly, breathing in and out slowly as you imagine standing on a beautiful prairie, then sing with vowels in a scale little by little. Then moved to the music. I picked up "Merry Widow Waltz" for this time. First singing the melody a part by a part by vowel "A", and then read the lyrics aloud, finally we sang the song with words. Since it was a waltz, I thought we should swing! I encouraged people to swing in anyway, handing next person's hand and swing together, dancing is fine, or just swinging your arms as you sing.... everybody seemed to be enjoying the time. I was so glad to see it.

Next time will be the next Monday. I'll be doing it on first and third Mondays. I hope people find singing comfortable and fun and also hope warming exercises help their body healthy.

Tuesday:
Bible study. We had Ieva, John and Eugenia. Ieva asked everyone questions "Where are you from?" "Who are you?" Mostly their answer were their original country and their name, but some of them had unique answers, I enjoyed it and learned from them.

Wednesday:
It was off. I was going to practice choir's music but I had a headache and ear ringing and sore throat, too bad! I try not sing too much and look up words or read the words in my mind. I went to the choir rehearsal at night but couldn't sing well. It happens sometimes.

Thursday:
Ieva was away for her mother.
In the morning, I couldn't use the PC in the office because the ID and password was expired, the message said. I went to the IT staff but he was off. A recreation staff let me use her computer so I could type and print out the words for the song which I'm going to use for my next music class.

Lunch time, the main dining was closed due to the clothing sale or something. I waited at the door of the kitchen until getting my lunch but the kitchen staff seemed so busy. I went to the nearby McDonald and had McChicken, small french fry and coffee.

At chapel service time, the ministry who was supposed to come didn't show up. I called him and found he was in his apartment. He just honestly said to me, "Naoko, I'm sorry. I just totally forgot." There was nobody who could preach so I had to do something because the residents were already there waiting to start.

I asked a blind resident to give us a opening prayer which he did wonderfully. Then we sang "Precious Lord, Take My Hand." The man whose favorite song was this one, smiled at me saying the title of the song loud. I was glad to see his smile. Then I handed the mic saying, "I think everybody know Mr. xx. He always come early and set up the church for us. He is in the hospital now. Not only him there are many who is severely sick or in the hospital. I'd like you to pray for the sick people." Then two residents give us a prayer one after another. The first person is a woman who always sing a song for us but rarely pray so I was glad she did something different. The second person is a catholic Christian, her prayer was short but filled with love toward people because she herself is really a caring person.

Then we sang, "God will take care of you" After that, we read Psalm 23 out loud together followed by some solo songs.

I again apologized people, "I'm sorry we don't have anybody who can give you a preach today. I promise we are having a good service next Thursday. So we have to finish now. Anyone give us a closing prayer?" I saw a woman smiling. She always smiles. But I sensed something. She is rather shy so she rarely give some comment but I never heard her prayer. I asked her to pray. She hesitated at first. "I don't know how to do it..." she said. I didn't know how to encourage her but just I said, "Just say thank you Lord, and add your own words, anything is all right, short words is OK, anything in your mind!" Then she started "Thank you Lord...." then "Thank you for the food, thank you for our health..." I don't remember the rest of the words but she prayed beautifully. I was glad to hear that. At the back side, another woman who always sing songs in French also prayed in English. A recreation staff asked her to pray and she responded to it! I was grateful for both of them and the staff, too.

People started to leave the chapel, then I heard the French singer was singing a song, "The Old Rugged Cross" her favorite song. I started to play the song by the piano. She walked to the piano and sang it in French so I joined her singing in Japanese. We smiled at each other when we finished.

I think we had a good time, helping each other, loving each other. After all, I had a good time despite the fact that we didn't have a person who led us. Thank you, Lord.

However, it was a very energy consuming activity for me! I was totally shattered when it was finished. I went to the recreation leader's office and apologized the inconvenience. She said, "It's OK. It's fine. Anyway, are you doing your music class on Monday?" I said, "Yes! I definitely come! I'm prepared already!" "OK" She was smiling.

On my way home, actually, right after I got out of the Home, I found myself crying on the street and on the subway too. Sense of relief or just exhaustion? I don't know.... or kind of I was sad. Why was I sad? Whenever I feel the residents seem to be treated light, I mean, a kind of unimportantly, I feel sad. Maybe this time, it might not be true, but sometimes, I feel so.

I had to be absent for the choir rehearsal that night. I needed a rest.

It was another great week, I think so now.

one of our kitties, Gara

2008-10-02T03:10:00.002+09:00

This is Gara, one of our three kitties. My husband took photos of him and also of others. You can see his photos on his flickr page here

In winter, he usually sleeps under my left arm. Now he started to sleep my husband's..... I miss you, Gara! ummm? Maybe I should miss my husband more? hahaha...

vocal lesson

2008-09-28T04:31:00.002+09:00

I had my private vocal lesson yesterday.
It was just amazing. Or I felt like I was doing a meditation or Zen training although I'm not a specialist for Buddhism.

One of my problems is inconsistent pitch. I found that when I was ready with every aspect, my pitch became consistent. In another word, when I was not ready even with one thing necessary, my voice would not work well. Relaxing my jaw, breathing deeply, making a room behind my head, not making a vowel but just feeling it, then the sound comes out so naturally. It was exactly what I wanted to do for years and years but I couldn't reach the line yet.

My teacher gave me a lot of suggestions with detailed explanation. I couldn't respond her instruction and I felt so useless but it was the first lesson, it was just a start. I'll work hard and want to improve my voice by this great opportunity.

When it was finished, my brain was reached the limit, not working any more! I had to very much concentrate all the time. Yet, on my way to the station, many things went around in my brain. I was afraid of the things disappearing so I dropped in the doughnut shop and just try to write down what I learned with a corn bread and coffee.

For me, singing is still full of mystery. I feel often uncomfortable when I sing and think something must be wrong but cannot fix it. I've heard that vocal cord is uncontrollable muscle but you can train it by teaching how to work correctly. When it learns how to work, it remembers the process and will work well from there on, which means if you train it wrongly, it would remember the wrong way and it'd be difficult to change it from the bad to the good. I think my vocal cord muscle learned somehow wrongly and has been doing it for a long time so it'd be difficult to retrain it. But I really want to let it learn the correct way!

Today, I practiced by myself as I remembered the teacher's instruction. It's really difficult!!! I can't do it!!! No more!!!! I just can't do it! I repeat whine.... in my mind. But somehow, partly, a little bit, I could feel comfortable with singing. Just a baby step. I believe I can do it someday! I just started doing it. It's OK for today.

C4 retreat

2008-09-22T22:28:00.001+09:00

R0012096
Originally uploaded by butako

I joined the choir retreat this weekend. It was a great time for not only music but also for knowing each other, having a peaceful time in a rustic place, cooking hamburgers and hotdogs on the outside grill, walking around and finding pretty flowers and mushrooms...... I had a wonderful time there! I have uploaded more photos on my flickr page so please click this photo and see other photos as well!

My music life in NY

2008-09-14T06:50:00.002+09:00

I came here to work as a volunteer at a nursing home. I never expected I could have such a wonderful musical life during my stay in NY. Before summer, I joined two workshops with The Western Wind. I met excellent musicians there. They brought me other music opportunity.

I had two auditions and passed both of them. So I started to join two choirs from this fall.
One is The C4 Chamber Choir. I met several members at the first Smith Workshop and they asked me to join them. The audition was extremely difficult so I thought I failed it. I was surprised when I got an invitation from them. I'm joining two concerts for this season, in November and February. All pieces are composed by living composers. All are challenging for me. I have to work hard to catch up with them. The next concert's theme is "War and Peace". I want to do my best to make it best! The rehearsal is on Thursday.

Another choir is The Columbia Collegium Musicum. A singer who I met the second Smith workshop asked me to join. The members are mostly students of Columbia University. We are singing Schutz for the next concert in November. The conductor is a young and talented woman. It's a great opportunity for me to sing with young people there. The rehearsal is on Monday and Wednesday.

Other than these, I've been joining a sight singing group on Friday. On weekend, I enjoy singing among church choir. At the nursing home, I play the piano and sing at the chapel service and the Bible study, also I'm starting my own music activity this month.

My life here became not only about communicating with elderly people but also enjoying such a fruitful music life!