a person I should love most

There is one thing I have never written about here.

I think my weakest point is ..... my mother.
I don't know about my father very well. I think he is dead according to every information I've got from people around me. My parents got divorced when I was a baby. The last time I saw him was, I believe, when I was one or one and a half year old. I cannot believe why I can remember that but the blur image of his face is in my mind, with beard, a beret hat, thin and tall.... My mother didn't like to keep anything that made her remember him so she got red of everything, including, of course, his photos, so there is nothing left for me to remember his face any more.

I don't have any siblings so before I got my husband, I had only my mother as my family after spending ten years of my life being put into several different families' hands.

Our life has been always difficult to get along with each other in many ways.
I feel like there is no chemistry between us...... sadly. I'd get interested in something and would tell her and she wouldn't like it or wouldn't be interested it that at all. I'd love some food, and she would think it's good taste at all.... From small things to critical life deciding things, we have different perspectives. She would do something, which I never like, including love affairs. I would do something, which she never likes.

She is not good at keeping in touch with people.
When she feel like doing so, she calls, she faxes, she mails, and when she suddenly wouldn't like doing so, she never calls, faxes, she even never respond to people's calls, including me, sometimes it continues for a several months or possibly a year!

I have many many shortcomings. Maybe some of her angers towards me or her ignoring me is my faults.

Since I came back home, I've seen her a several times, perhaps, 4 or 5 times.
Each time, something shocking to me happened and made me depressed and made me think I never wanted to see her again, which made me so sad. I got hurt and I assume I hurt her somehow.

Then after spending depressing time for a while, I thought I should see her because we are a mother and a child, I encouraged myself to love her, I tried to get in touch with her and when I made it, I failed..... we had another collision somehow.... even the last time I saw her in September was, for me, nothing happened, we laughed each other, we said good bye with smile, then she faxed us the night, saying we were rude to her, she even said my husband had been rude all the time since we got married! I was so shocked to read it, I felt deeply sorry to my husband and couldn't recover myself to want to see her again....

She had her birthday this month.
The only thing, such a small thing, for me to do for her was, just sent a fax message to say her happy birthday, no response, of course, my fault, maybe.

The only person I should love most in the world, I cannot love her deeply.
I want to love all people around me and when I think of her, I got doomed.
Then I would think, about the time when I go out to the world and have fun with my friend, even when I volunteer for needed people, maybe it's not for the people but I'd do it to escape from the fact that I cannot love the very person I should love most. I'm such a selfish person.


I've tried to write about this a thousand times and couldn't do it. I cannot write this on my Japanese blog because she might have a chance to know it. But I wanted to write this because without writing this, everything I'm doing it sounds too angelic. I would like to communicate with people not only to help people but also to help myself out of the hell where I think of myself being a dirty existence.


I want to love her. I want to be a good daughter. I'll try to do it, I'll be like that, until the last time of my life. I wish she waits for me for that time.


Life is often difficult to deal with everything, right? Yes!