improvement!!

I had my third vocal lesson on Wednesday.

For the past two weeks, I had been trying my best to improve my singing. I kept diary only about music. I wrote each day about what I felt with my body, throat, mouth, face, lyrics, melody, pitch, color of voice, diaphragm etc. , what I found new, what I realized something was wrong or correct..... everything. Sometimes I recorded my singing experiments. I would say, "this time, I will care about only breathing." then sang some phrase and listened to it later, and another time I would say in the beginning of the recording, "this time I would care about only relaxing my jaw." and recorded singing and listened to it later so that I can compare which way was successful and which way was not.

I practiced breathing using my diaphragm as much as possible as I relaxed the other parts of my body. I did it on the street, on the train, on the bed..... everywhere. For the first week or so, I couldn't get how to do it. My breathing was always shallow and I didn't know which part I should have used.... or anything. But one day, one time, my body responded to my will somehow, I thought, "Is that it?" and I tried to do the same way again and again, and wrote down what I intended to do at that time to the music diary.

One time, I was totally stuck. Then I thought, "OK, this time, I forget everything! I won't care how high or low the note is, weather or not my pitch is precise or something. I will sing a song!!" And recorded some phrase. Surprisingly it somehow worked.

On Wednesday, on my way to my teacher's, I was wavering. I was not confident, I expected I could have been worse than the last lesson. On the other hand, I felt I was stronger in some ways. I started to think that I had to be tough. "I'm going to perform before my loving teacher. I should totally rely on her. I have my music. I should show her what I've been trying in the past two weeks. Naoko, you will be OK! Having time with such a wonderful musician should be fun!"

Then...... I buzzed my teacher's door bell.

And it went..... well!! My teacher said to me I improved a lot especially with breathing! We worked on Bach duet piece. It was amazing. She has a magic. Every part was difficult and touch to deal with until then. She solved every problem, language, melody, breathing, flow of music, how to use my energy efficiently, and everything. It totally changed. There were moments I felt so comfortable with singing that day. I was very very happy with that.

She suggested me several new things. I have to work on these things and really want to improve myself more. It's really tough to change yourself, the way you have been doing it for so long. You have to deceive yourself somehow, mesmerize yourself to adopt new ways. My body respond in a wrong way every time and I get down..... I know it's tough but some bright lights wait for me and I will enjoy music more and more if I could achieve it.



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This has a following story. I was so happy right after the lesson and I was so hopeful next day on my way to the choir rehearsal. I expected I would sing better using things I got in the previous day. But it went bad! I couldn't sing well at all! I was so disappointed with myself. Then I realized that I hadn't learned about the pieces well enough and got nervous about the pitch, notes, and pronunciation..... Then I started to have a sore throat again Thursday night and it didn't go away on Friday..... It's Saturday today and I can't practice my singing but I can at least practice breathing, pronunciation, and language or anything other than singing, right? You can't do anything in one day. I'll continue to do my best!

A burial and hospital visit

I had another special experience yesterday.

A woman passed away at my nursing home last week. Usually, if family holds the funeral in some place then there is nothing we can do for the dead resident. If the family can do the funeral and asks us to be there, we would be there. If there is no family but the resident had enough money to do his or her own funeral, then there would be a funeral and some staff or residents would attend the funeral.

This time, she had family but they had no money to hold her funeral, I suppose. The body was brought to the funeral home from the hospital where she ended her life. There was a visiting time on Sunday when the coffin was opened and her family or friends could come and said good by for her. When I heard this I was afraid if she had no one seeing her there. But the funeral home staff told us that around 25 people came to see her. I thought it was great. Then I realized even she had such many people who loved her so much and came to see her all the way to the funeral home, they couldn't afford to hold the funeral for her, also they might have to work on Monday so nobody could be at her burial. Even their family passed away, they couldn't have a day off on Monday. Life is not easy.

Anyway, Pastor Ieva and I went to the funeral home in the morning. We went to the room where her body was and sing a hymn and prayed for her. The coffin was opened. I could tell from her face that she now had no pain and peaceful. After a while we took a cab to the cemetery with the funeral car.

It was my first time to be at a burial. In Japan everybody must be cremated. It's decided in law. So when we bury the dead person, it's always the ashes. For me, it was so special to see the coffin was buried. I expected I would have had a sad feeling there. But it was not. We had a small service. Just Ieva and me, the driver from the funeral home and three of the cemetery staff were there. Ieva prayed and I sang a song for her. The weather was beautiful. I was gradually feeling better to see the beautiful green there, to see the good work by the staff there. I interviewed to the staff. The longest worker has been working for 35 years! Remarkable. Such an important job there are doing for us! They seemed to be proud of their job and a kind of enjoyed doing it in a good meaning. I felt just happy to see good people and to see that we would have such a wonderful place and wonderful people in the end of our lives. Ieva took a photo of the staff and me, then I told them that I came from Japan and it was good to see them. They liked my singing and was so nice to us.

Although it was a sad event, I can say I had a good time there. Ieva and me enjoyed walking there after a while, seeing grave stones there as we were imagining each person's precious life. There are such wonderful people doing a remarkable job in each place where we usually don't pay much attention. Thank you for your great job!


On our way home, we visited the hospital to see several residents there. We made a long chat with one of them. She has a heart problem and might have to have a minor surgery to put some material in her heart to keep her heart well. She said she was scared and didn't know if she should do it or not. We prayed together handing our hands. Tear came down as I pray for her. I understood her fear. It was difficult for me to pray in English, I didn't know what to say, but I just ask for God's help..... for her.


At lunch time, on the subway, on the street, all the way I enjoyed talking with Ieva. Our conversation always goes deep and deep.... like to a mental world. I felt there is no secret between us and felt so secure with her even our relationship was just a 6-month old, and our native language is different!



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Today I had a rehearsal with the pianist for the up-coming small concert at my friend's apartment on Nov. 1st. I'm singing a duet from Bach cantata 99 with my friend, Rita. I love her voice. She has such a lovely voice. It'll be our fourth time to sing together. I'm so lucky to have her as my duet partner.



Tomorrow will be my third vocal lesson. I hope I will do better this time!
Oh it's time to go to sleep now. Good night!

Osaka's local foods

I found the article about Osaka's local food, Takoyaki, on NYT. I know this vendor, Kogaryu! Another local food I want to recommend is Okonomiyaki. If you have a chance to come to Osaka, You should try it!!




Actually, they would be much more popular than Sushi, in Osaka!




I've been doing all right. Every day is a sgruggling but worth doing it!

struggling

I've been struggling with my singing.

Last month, I had my first vocal lesson with my new teacher. Until the second lesson, I tried to do:

* before singing, each time, breathing slowly and deeply, store the breath at the bottom of my belly, and relax my jaw.

* try not to be aware of my throat or vocal cord, just to sing by the order of diaphragm

* when saying "ng" sound, relax my tongue and try not to change the pitch when moving into any vowels

* My "i" vowel tends to be tensed on the tip of my tongue. So feel the back of the tongue and relax

* Once starting to sing, no hesitation, just going on. Don't push but don't hesitate

* make some room in the back of my neck

* when going down the step, I should be relaxed because the vibration decreases when the note going down

* When the sound is good, I should feel the comfortable flexibility everywhere

* my "u" vowel is not enough "u". It's different from Japanese "u" sound. should be careful.


During the two weeks until the second lesson, I just tried to follow those things, and became to have several problems.... maybe not problems but awkwardness?

Many things are connected to my English pronunciation. I became aware of my pronunciation when I read a book out loud. "u" is not "u". "i" is always tensed. "ng" is wrong, too tensed on my tongue. When I try not to change the pitch when I read aloud, I felt a kind of more comfortable to pronounce English words. So I just kept doing it but I was not sure.....

Breathing. I try to breathe deeply every time I sing. Then I didn't know how to keep the breath efficiently, how to go on singing a long phrase, how to use my breath by the same amount little by little. After a while, I became to feel that my chest becomes hard in the end of the phrase and I couldn't fix it.


+++++++++++++++++

The second lesson came this Wednesday.
This time, my teacher suggested the following points.

* F# is my unstable point. especially when I go between F# and A#, it really difficult to move naturally. When F# is fine, then A# becomes flat. when A# goes well, F# becomes sharp. I feel it, I understand what she said.. but it was really difficult to fix it. I felt so sad that I couldn't respond her instruction....

* Especially on A# or some other certain points, my voice get stuck! My teacher said, "You voice is stuck!" I knooooooooow!!! But I can't fix it!!! Help me!!! She tried to help me with many ways. But I think I couldn't respond to her instruction well. I hope I would be better next time.

* Support. When I vibrate my lips and sing a certain movement, my teacher said I can support my breath well. So after the lesson, I practiced the lips vibration. I felt the bottom of my belly became hard when I vibrate my lips. Then I try to sing by vowels, or by some phrases, making the same condition. After a while, I felt my entire body became tensed somehow, not flexible.... I know I should be relaxed, but I can't do it!

* I became flat in every end of the phrase. My voice tremble in every end of the phrase. I knooooow. But I can't fix it!!!! One of the reasons is tension of my tongue. The sound should go beyond my tongue, not under my tongue, especially when singing "e" vowel, my tongue becomes tensed. I found later that "u" and "o" also goes tensed...... almost all vowels!!!


Now....
I have to be aware of so many things. I want to sing naturally and relaxed, I know. But when I think of this and that and these and those and..... I become so tensed. I believe it would be the way to the progress. Now I feel I'm in a dark tunnel. I'm not flexible now. I am so awkward. I feel as if I am a kindergarten student, or even a baby, not knowing how to breathe, how to speak, or how to walk!


I know every teacher has their own method. I love my current teacher's music and I decided to learn from her. I have only 6 month being here. I don't know how much I can learn from her. But I believe I can learn something from her and improve my singing. I want to believe it.

But to be honest, I am not confident now...... I feel I'm not good..... I really hope things will be better with me! I'll try my best.

one-dollar bill

On Friday, I went to the nearby grocery shop and stood in a register line after getting eggs and onions. There were a few people before me. Then a woman came ahead of me saying "I was.... uh..." She muttered something and stood in front of me. I said, "You mean you were in the line?" She said "Yes." So I said "OK, go ahead." She thanked me and go to the register.

I saw what she had in her hand. Fruits. Peaches, apples, and bananas. Maybe 2 each. I noticed everything was half rotten, not in a good condition, maybe discounted ones.

She seemed in her 40's, my age. Wore her grizzled hair in a bun. She wore decent wool suits but looked like old cloth. I noticed the skirt's back zip was half opened.

She seemed very nervous while register person was checking out. Looked the displayed price on the resister anxiously. Then 1.00 was displayed. She smiled a little bit and put one-dollar bill from her bag and gave it to the checker. She put it out not from her purse but directly from her bag.

Then the checker said something. It seemed the total price was not one dollar but one dollar and several dozen cents or something. She seemed very upset, fished for in her bag for awhile. I expected she put some coin from her bag soon. But nothing was showed up. I was surprised and my heart started to ache.

She had nothing but one-dollar bill. She said to the checker "I won't buy this." pointed out one of the fruit. Then the checker canceled one kind of the fruit, 2 peaches or something. Price became less than a dollar.

She asked the checker that she wanted to buy one peach if she could, so the checker weighed a peach again and add the price. The price was OK. She got a few cents of change and said "Thank you" to the checker and left.


I was deeply heartbroken. I thought I should have given her a dollar or even dozens of cents...... I was just stunned and couldn't do anything.

I usually say "I'm not rich. I have to spend as less money as possible here."
But I have enough money to live, enough to eat not only meals but also some sweets, my favorite ice cream, if I want.

There are many people like that woman. I wonder how she manage her daily meals..... Does she have any children? Does she have a place to live? Does she have any family to ask for help? I know I can't help everybody who is in need. I can't do anything...... My heart aches as I remember her now. What can we do for the needed people. Give money is not a definitive solution...... What can we do for them?

I want to spend each dollar for good use, thinkingly. I will.

this week

This is my 24th week being in NY.

Monday:
I had my first music class at the nursing home. After introducing each other by saying your name and your favorite color, started with warming up, rolling your shoulders slower both forward and backward, rolling your neck slowly, breathing in and out slowly as you imagine standing on a beautiful prairie, then sing with vowels in a scale little by little. Then moved to the music. I picked up "Merry Widow Waltz" for this time. First singing the melody a part by a part by vowel "A", and then read the lyrics aloud, finally we sang the song with words. Since it was a waltz, I thought we should swing! I encouraged people to swing in anyway, handing next person's hand and swing together, dancing is fine, or just swinging your arms as you sing.... everybody seemed to be enjoying the time. I was so glad to see it.

Next time will be the next Monday. I'll be doing it on first and third Mondays. I hope people find singing comfortable and fun and also hope warming exercises help their body healthy.


Tuesday:
Bible study. We had Ieva, John and Eugenia. Ieva asked everyone questions "Where are you from?" "Who are you?" Mostly their answer were their original country and their name, but some of them had unique answers, I enjoyed it and learned from them.


Wednesday:
It was off. I was going to practice choir's music but I had a headache and ear ringing and sore throat, too bad! I try not sing too much and look up words or read the words in my mind. I went to the choir rehearsal at night but couldn't sing well. It happens sometimes.

Thursday:
Ieva was away for her mother.
In the morning, I couldn't use the PC in the office because the ID and password was expired, the message said. I went to the IT staff but he was off. A recreation staff let me use her computer so I could type and print out the words for the song which I'm going to use for my next music class.

Lunch time, the main dining was closed due to the clothing sale or something. I waited at the door of the kitchen until getting my lunch but the kitchen staff seemed so busy. I went to the nearby McDonald and had McChicken, small french fry and coffee.

At chapel service time, the ministry who was supposed to come didn't show up. I called him and found he was in his apartment. He just honestly said to me, "Naoko, I'm sorry. I just totally forgot." There was nobody who could preach so I had to do something because the residents were already there waiting to start.

I asked a blind resident to give us a opening prayer which he did wonderfully. Then we sang "Precious Lord, Take My Hand." The man whose favorite song was this one, smiled at me saying the title of the song loud. I was glad to see his smile. Then I handed the mic saying, "I think everybody know Mr. xx. He always come early and set up the church for us. He is in the hospital now. Not only him there are many who is severely sick or in the hospital. I'd like you to pray for the sick people." Then two residents give us a prayer one after another. The first person is a woman who always sing a song for us but rarely pray so I was glad she did something different. The second person is a catholic Christian, her prayer was short but filled with love toward people because she herself is really a caring person.

Then we sang, "God will take care of you" After that, we read Psalm 23 out loud together followed by some solo songs.

I again apologized people, "I'm sorry we don't have anybody who can give you a preach today. I promise we are having a good service next Thursday. So we have to finish now. Anyone give us a closing prayer?" I saw a woman smiling. She always smiles. But I sensed something. She is rather shy so she rarely give some comment but I never heard her prayer. I asked her to pray. She hesitated at first. "I don't know how to do it..." she said. I didn't know how to encourage her but just I said, "Just say thank you Lord, and add your own words, anything is all right, short words is OK, anything in your mind!" Then she started "Thank you Lord...." then "Thank you for the food, thank you for our health..." I don't remember the rest of the words but she prayed beautifully. I was glad to hear that. At the back side, another woman who always sing songs in French also prayed in English. A recreation staff asked her to pray and she responded to it! I was grateful for both of them and the staff, too.

People started to leave the chapel, then I heard the French singer was singing a song, "The Old Rugged Cross" her favorite song. I started to play the song by the piano. She walked to the piano and sang it in French so I joined her singing in Japanese. We smiled at each other when we finished.

I think we had a good time, helping each other, loving each other. After all, I had a good time despite the fact that we didn't have a person who led us. Thank you, Lord.


However, it was a very energy consuming activity for me! I was totally shattered when it was finished. I went to the recreation leader's office and apologized the inconvenience. She said, "It's OK. It's fine. Anyway, are you doing your music class on Monday?" I said, "Yes! I definitely come! I'm prepared already!" "OK" She was smiling.

On my way home, actually, right after I got out of the Home, I found myself crying on the street and on the subway too. Sense of relief or just exhaustion? I don't know.... or kind of I was sad. Why was I sad? Whenever I feel the residents seem to be treated light, I mean, a kind of unimportantly, I feel sad. Maybe this time, it might not be true, but sometimes, I feel so.

I had to be absent for the choir rehearsal that night. I needed a rest.


It was another great week, I think so now.

one of our kitties, Gara

This is Gara, one of our three kitties. My husband took photos of him and also of others. You can see his photos on his flickr page here

In winter, he usually sleeps under my left arm. Now he started to sleep my husband's..... I miss you, Gara! ummm? Maybe I should miss my husband more? hahaha...