Happy holidays!

Greetings to all of you!!!

a person I should love most

There is one thing I have never written about here.

I think my weakest point is ..... my mother.
I don't know about my father very well. I think he is dead according to every information I've got from people around me. My parents got divorced when I was a baby. The last time I saw him was, I believe, when I was one or one and a half year old. I cannot believe why I can remember that but the blur image of his face is in my mind, with beard, a beret hat, thin and tall.... My mother didn't like to keep anything that made her remember him so she got red of everything, including, of course, his photos, so there is nothing left for me to remember his face any more.

I don't have any siblings so before I got my husband, I had only my mother as my family after spending ten years of my life being put into several different families' hands.

Our life has been always difficult to get along with each other in many ways.
I feel like there is no chemistry between us...... sadly. I'd get interested in something and would tell her and she wouldn't like it or wouldn't be interested it that at all. I'd love some food, and she would think it's good taste at all.... From small things to critical life deciding things, we have different perspectives. She would do something, which I never like, including love affairs. I would do something, which she never likes.

She is not good at keeping in touch with people.
When she feel like doing so, she calls, she faxes, she mails, and when she suddenly wouldn't like doing so, she never calls, faxes, she even never respond to people's calls, including me, sometimes it continues for a several months or possibly a year!

I have many many shortcomings. Maybe some of her angers towards me or her ignoring me is my faults.

Since I came back home, I've seen her a several times, perhaps, 4 or 5 times.
Each time, something shocking to me happened and made me depressed and made me think I never wanted to see her again, which made me so sad. I got hurt and I assume I hurt her somehow.

Then after spending depressing time for a while, I thought I should see her because we are a mother and a child, I encouraged myself to love her, I tried to get in touch with her and when I made it, I failed..... we had another collision somehow.... even the last time I saw her in September was, for me, nothing happened, we laughed each other, we said good bye with smile, then she faxed us the night, saying we were rude to her, she even said my husband had been rude all the time since we got married! I was so shocked to read it, I felt deeply sorry to my husband and couldn't recover myself to want to see her again....

She had her birthday this month.
The only thing, such a small thing, for me to do for her was, just sent a fax message to say her happy birthday, no response, of course, my fault, maybe.

The only person I should love most in the world, I cannot love her deeply.
I want to love all people around me and when I think of her, I got doomed.
Then I would think, about the time when I go out to the world and have fun with my friend, even when I volunteer for needed people, maybe it's not for the people but I'd do it to escape from the fact that I cannot love the very person I should love most. I'm such a selfish person.


I've tried to write about this a thousand times and couldn't do it. I cannot write this on my Japanese blog because she might have a chance to know it. But I wanted to write this because without writing this, everything I'm doing it sounds too angelic. I would like to communicate with people not only to help people but also to help myself out of the hell where I think of myself being a dirty existence.


I want to love her. I want to be a good daughter. I'll try to do it, I'll be like that, until the last time of my life. I wish she waits for me for that time.


Life is often difficult to deal with everything, right? Yes!

My recent life

Hello, my friends! Long time no see..... I'm doing well but had no time or energy to update here....


I want to report my recent life today.

As for music;

I came back to teach the senior citizen chorus group and they are doing really well! I started to teach them by using what I got from NY experiences, from the choirs I belonged to, from the way my vocal teacher taught me, from the experiences of the Western Wind workshops, and so on. They seemed puzzled sometimes and then they understood me for a while later and improved so much! I'm really thankful to every musician I met through my NY life.

We are participating the city cultural festival next spring and we started to rehearse the program. We are singing three songs all in Japanese, and we will add choreography taken the hint from the sign language. I asked one my former private students for help and she helped me to think it out. Her parents couldn't hear so she used the sign language since she was a child. She became an elementary school teacher, got married and now have three children! I visited her house twice to work with her. We became good partners and thought up a great choreography, both meaningful and beautiful one! Last Friday, I taught the chorus members it for the first time. I was so glad that they liked our choreography so much! I know we have to work hard to sing and perform well but we are making it finally, I'm sure!


I've got six private students up to now, one led to another, became six! They all are women and over 50's. I think they deserve to enjoying their own lives after devoting most of their time for their family for many years. I'm so glad I can help them enjoy their own lives by learning something new!


My husband and I are performing Messiah by Handel next Tuesday. It's coming so soon! Last night we had the first rehearsal with the conductor and had a great time! The conductor currently lives in NY and came to Japan all the way from there. His name is Kimbo Ishii-Eto. We are having two more rehearsals with the piano accompaniment and two rehearsals with the orchestra and then will perform it finally. I have to be careful not to lose my voice till then!


And...
It's related to partly music but, as for my church life:
I became one of the organists there! It's not a paid job to be an organist in church but I'm glad I can do it. We have a quite beautiful organ in our church and I am glad that I received the opportunity to play it! My first playing music day was last Sunday. For the past few weeks since I was offered to do it, I checked out many songs from my sacred music stock to find out what suits to play for the day. I went to church twice to learn how to use the organ and became friends with it and I fell in love with the organ. It sounds really beautiful. As I played some of the English Hymns, I couldn't stop my tears coming out because each song reminded me some specific wonderful memories with my friends over there.

"Oh this is Dynah's favorite!"
"Oh I sang this in my Park Slope church!"
"I love this song playing in the beginning of the service at the nursing home!"
"This is John's favorite! That is Eugenia's!"

And on and on and on.....

I felt sometimes happy to remember the memories and also somehow sad that I was here and not there.... with them any more and felt like I couldn't share my memories with anyone over here.

I chose "Because He lives" for the offertory music. This is John's favorite. John was one of the volunteer ministries at the nursing home I worked. Whenever he became emotional, and perhaps not coming up with any words to say, he would start to sing this song and I loved it!

Also I have another memory with this Hymn. When I stayed in Auckland, NZ in 2002 for three months to learn English language, I sang this at a shopping mall to fund-raising campaign by the church I was attending. I was asked to sing anything I knew and I chose "Because He lives" by my instinct. I think the reason I was asked to sing was I couldn't speak English very well at that time so I couldn't contribute to the campaign by talking to passing-by people there. So it was the only thing I could do.

I started to sing it, trembling.....
To my surprise, people started to stop by one after another, smiling, listening to me, so kindly.
Then after a while, a woman came up to me saying, "My husband is sitting over there at the food court table. He likes your singing so much and asked me to say it on behalf of him. He is sick so he couldn't come here." I was so glad to hear that and I went to the table and made a chat with him for a while.

Then.... I was back to singing the same song again and again....
A middle-aged man, perhaps Chinese, suddenly appeared in front of me, and to my great surprise, he started to sing it with my with the big smile so joyfully!!!! We sang the song together for the next few minutes and just said good bye without exchanging any personal information about us. Then this was not the end! I met him again at my church after few weeks when the church provided language learning classes for foreign residents. We became friends and he invited me to the small meeting at his house. I was surprised to see so many Chinese Christians living there at his house. They cooked a wonderful Chinese meal for me and we had a great time together.


Like these, I have wonderful memories with every music. I think it'd be one of the greatest things when you continued to do something for a long time. You have wonderful memories one after another and it becomes your history and you can live with them!



When I played the organ at my current church last Sunday, I got nervous, my hands started to tremble, my brain become empty somehow.... and I became panic! Then I pictured everyone's face. I even called everyone's name in my mind one after another.... "Please love me Lord, and my friends, Lisa, Nancy, Pam, Joyce, Cheryl, Michael, Jonathan, Ieva, Togu, Sachi, Jayson, Marge, Rita, Richard, Dynah, Virginia, Mr. Thurmond, Morris, Ramon, Alma, Russell, Mr. McGee, Mr. Brown, Eugenia, John, Ms. Butterfly, Ms. Paul, Rosa, Kristina, Philip, Sig, Dorry, Brian, Jim, Nuala, and, and , and......

I couldn't put them all but it really helped! As I recalled the names of my friends, I felt as if I was protected by them and they cheered me up! Then my mind became so calm and I could get focused on playing music for God. It was amazing!

Many people form the congregation came up to me to thank me after the service and one of them said "It was really heartful, Naoko!" I was so happy to hear the comment! Yes I put all of my heart into the music and they understood my mind!


We have several organists in our church so I'm going to play the organ once or twice a month from now on. I look forward to playing it next month!

After the service, our pastor asked me to teach a choir at another church just for this Christmas. He said, "there is another church, 20 minutes train rude from here, they are in trouble not having anyone to direct the choir right now. Could you help them? If you could go there just a few times after church, Sunday afternoons perhaps, they will appreciate it so much!" And as you can imagine, I said, "Yes, I'd be glad to!"

One event leads to another. One friendship leads to another... and I'm having this magic right now!


I have to work hard and it wouldn't be that easy. But I want to enjoy everything with great joy!



Oh.... I was about to forget!!!!
We got a new family yesterday!!!!


I named him "Kuri". He was abandoned just in front of our house and cried and cried for more than five days.... we were not going to take him but after five days or so hearing his desperate cry we couldn't stand it and took him inside. He has a cold but we believe he survives and becomes well soon!



Talk to you soon, dear friends!

Gara gone, too.

Booko went to the heaven in May. Gara has gone this morning. It's too hard to accept that we had three cats and now two of them are not with us any more....

He was getting weak and weak for the past few weeks. We brought him to the vet and were told that he wouldn't live long. He became unable to eat or drink.... yesterday, he hid behind the bookshelf or a curtain or some shading places as if he was seeking for a good place to die. I've heard that cats don't want to be seen when they die.

In winter, he always slept on my arm and didn't move till morning. I liked being with his warm body like holding a hot-water bag. When he slept, he did so tightly that even the alarm clock rang so loudly he didn't woke up.

He was so shy. Whenever our friends came, he hid himself and never showed up then when the guests left he appeared from somewhere crying hard.

When we found him 15 or 16 years ago, he was bullied by kids because he was so weak, I think he got a cat flue or something, his eyes were covered with mucus or something and he seemed unable to see. His voice was hoarse. I brought him home and took care of him.

We loved him a lot and he brought us a lot of happiness. I believe he will start having a happy life with Booko in heaven. And we should have a happy life with Momo since we have only her now....

I love you, Gara! Thank you for your presence!

it'll become a historic event!

It'll be the general election day tomorrow in our country, Japan. And I'm sure it'll be such a historic day and on a textbook later. Most of the media surveys are saying it's very likely for Democratic Party of Japan gains landslide victory.

I know this feeling, yes. It was last year. I was in NY. There was the Presidential Election. And Obama became the first African American President in the history. All media predicted that Obama would win but I remember American people couldn't believe the prediction and were watching the election coverage with mixed feeling, a great expectation and a slight uncertainly. Then the result came and people got overjoyed!

We will see what happens so soon and I'm really excited about that!

Trip to Hiroshima -Rev. Shikama-

By the way, you can see the photos of our Hiroshima trip by clicking the "Slideshow" on top right of this blog.


OK, let's continue.

On Sunday, we attended a Sunday service at a local church, Hiroshima Church (United Church of Christ in Japan). It was Peace Sunday in the Church so they contributed the service for peace. The victims' names of the A-bomb who were the church member at that time were all called with their age, the day they died, the distance from the center of the explosion. They lost 33 members, age of 2-87. The sermon was given by Rev. Shikama who is the son of the Reverend at the bomb time.

After the service, Rev. Shikama gave his lecture about his experience and his wish for peace. I was deeply impressed with his story. His story came into the deep place of my heart directly. So I'll try to recollect what he said from my brief memo. It's not perfect but I want to try because I want to remember my deep appreciation for his lecture by writing down what I heard.


********************
It was Monday. Mr. Shikama, a junior high school student at that time, was supposed to go to the city hall and work as a volunteer with his classmates. Their work was to get rid of several buildings to avoid the spread of the fire. He was on his way to the hall. In the meantime, at the workplace, his class teacher asked one of the pupils to go to their school to tell some students to come to the place. The teacher worried if some students went to the school by mistake because it was Monday and some students were absent on the last weekend because of sickness or some other reasons. So, the student who was asked was going to school and met Shikama on his way. Then he asked Shikama to do his job for him. So Shikama changed his direction from the city hall to his school. It was a very fateful moment. If he hadn't met his classmate and hadn't been asked to go to school, he must have been at the workplace and ...... very highly possibly died of the A-bomb because all of them, ALL of the pupils, 220 on the second grade, and teachers working at the site died of it. This fact made him suffer a lot in his later life.


The A-bomb was dropped by unman parachute. I didn't know that. According to his classmates, who were not died right after the bomb but a few days later, the students thought it was beautiful and fun to look at the parachute dropping from the sky so they went outside to see it, not knowing the parachute killing them.


When Shikama arrived at the school, there were around eight classmates by mistake. He thought more people might come so they decided to wait for a while. They were in their classroom, then a boy, Mr. K, came into the room, saying "Good morning!", at the very moment, an enormously bright light, "as if the sun was dropped directly on us" (by Shikama), ran through them. At the next moment, nothing was there. Everything was collapsed. Then he realized he was alive. One of the desks saved him as a cushion. He guessed they were directly hit by a normal bomb, so he believed that somebody was coming to help them very soon, until he went outside.

He saw the mushroom cloud, a giant, enormous cloud in the sky. He heard people's desperate cry for help. He called the names of his classmates, miraculously, all of them, eight, were alive, only getting injured somehow. He thought they needed food to survive so he told the students to go back to the classroom to get their lunchbox. He too went back there and found something, looking like a wrapping cloth for a lunchbox, with gladness, he grabbed it and opened it. It was a head of Mr. K, who was coming into the room at that time, saying "Good morning" so cheerfully. He was dead. The distance between Shikama and K was just 2 yards. K just didn't have any cushion to protect him, such a small difference between life and death.

He thought about life and death as he was holding K's head in his chest. He thought of himself being alive.

The survived students evacuated all together to Yoshijima then Mr. Shikama left there to look for his family. His father, the Reverend of the church at that time, was at a blind school to give a sermon, his mother was at home next to church, his elder sister was at some volunteer work. Fortunately they got all together after a few days and went to a village for safety where two of his younger brothers had been. After a month, his sister passed away from the A-bomb sickness, saying "I'm happier than the people who were not with their family, dying all by themselves. I'm with my loved family. I'm happy...."



Mr. Shikama talked about a relation between human's sin and nuclear weapons. Japan is a victim if concerning only about the A-bomb, but it is also a victimizer if concerning about Sino-Japanese war or the Great War, having developed poison gass in its island sites. Wars are always about how to make weapons to kill many people at a time, desperately seeking for it, and developing it.... and a kind of the goal, as a ultimate weapon, might be the A-bomb, he said.

In this world, we tend to lose our hope for peace. We might give it up. Then there came Obama's speech in Prague about his intention for an abolition of nuclear weapons, appeared as a ray of hope, he said.

He thought about the meaning why he could survive, in other words, why God made him survive, he questioned God a lot of times, Why you chose me? Why? He suffered. He wondered God's will. What kind of mission God gave him to perform? He asked himself why he became a Christian. He was not going to become a ministry but after many twists and turns, he became the one. Now he is in his 80's, retired from the regular church based ministry and currently he is active as a traveling preacher.

Among his words, I liked his expression:
Our lives are borrowed from God. A kind of a rental for free.

Our lives might not be as dramatic as his, he said, but all of us have a dramatic lives if we look at not only our own lives but also our parents' or grandparents' or grand-grandparents'. Then you might find something dramatic and then you might think of the meaning of life, the secret of life. Our lives are gifts from God, His precious gifts. So we should use the gift for what we can do something meaningful. And he thinks we should not only talk about peace but make peace with all our might using a beautiful gift from Him. We should be the peacemakers, he said.


************

I thought about myself after listening to his lecture.
I've been wishing for peace, yes, but have I tried to make peace really? I don't know, maybe not enough. When I think of peace in the world, a part of me would believe we can do it, then another part of me doubt it with despair because it's unlikely to happen in this world. Mr. Shikama taught me that we shouldn't give up anything even if it's unlikely to happen. Thank you, Mr. Shikama, for making me awake.


After the lecture Takao and I developed some friendship with the church people. A woman whose home town is Osaka came to us and gave us a book of war experiences by the church members. I read it on my way home on the train. There were tens of, perhaps a hundred of stories about war.... and every story is so impressive, coming from their deep hearts.

I learned newly that the survivors cannot speak out about their experience easily because it's too hard to remember the time. So many of them tend to shut their mouth for a long long time. Some of them passed away without talking anything about the war even to their family. They should be glad that they could survive but they cannot because they would even feel guilty of being alive for so many of people around them died at the time. Also, after a certain time since the war, Hibakusha (the victims of A-bomb) got discriminated against because of their experience. Speculations were around that if they could have babies normally or the A-bomb sickness could be picked up from them.... So they couldn't get married so easily, they couldn't get hired, they suffered a lot, then they learned that they should not reveal their experiences in order to lead a normal life. They would think they don't want their family to suffer from it so they would never talk about it to anybody.

They would feel guilty because they couldn't save people's lives on the day. They passed the places where people lying down dying, calling for help, they saw so many of them, too many of them. It was impossible for them to save the lives, impossible, so they might have gone to be feelingless..... to save themselves, they had no choice but made their blood frozen to save their own lives. None of us cannot blame them. Still they tend to blame themselves for not to be able to save the lives.....


I feel a great amount of pain when I think of those people..... I cannot understand exactly, no I cannot, but I feel it somehow, even if a part of it...


So I learned from listening Mr. Shikama's lecture and reading the stories that it's so precious and meaningful to listen to their stories even after 64 years from the end of the war, it never be rusty, because more and more people start to speak out after realizing their stories might die away and be buried if all of the experienced people passed away. More and more Hibakusha or war-experienced people start to speak out because they want to make peace, they never ever want to see the world where people kill each other.

I know it's often hard to talk about war with our close people, our parents, or our grandparents, I feel the difficulty with that, too. No matter with whom you talk to, it's so precious to be able to hear their stories. With great appreciation, we should listen to them whenever we have a chance. Then we can learn something, and we could relay the stories to the next generation. We might be the last generation who can listen to the stories directly from them.


Now I'm remembering the time I was in NY. I worked at a nursing home. I listened to many stories from the residents. I feel grateful for all of them who talked with me, who shared joy and sorrow with me, who even listened to me and encouraged me when I was down. I miss you a lot.....! And I'll never forget the time with you....!

There might be no victims or victimizer with any war. All of people might be the victims, no matter in which side they are, in what kind of status they are.... all people involved in it would suffer after a long time, perhaps for all their lives. We should make peace altogether, I know, but I don't know how to do it..... just I learned it and I'll try to figure it out.





I'm so glad we made our trip to Hiroshima at this time of the year.
Thank you, Hiroshima!

Trip to Hiroshima -the Dome-

This is the A-bomb dome. It welcomed me there. It's been there since then, showing its tragic shape, and telling us the important message forever till we make it together.

It was two years ago we visited there together for the first time after our marriage. We visited The Hiroshima Peace Memorial Museum. A volunteer guide showed us around so kindly, which impressed us so much and the visit made us think of peace much more then ever before.

Then I stayed in NY for a year till this April. I saw Mr. Obama becoming the President of the United States of America. At the end of my stay in NY, he made one of the most important speeches about nukes. On April 5th, 2009, in Prague, he said "And as nuclear power -- as the only nuclear power to have used a nuclear weapon, the United States has a moral responsibility to act." and also "So today, I state clearly and with conviction America's commitment to seek the peace and security of a world without nuclear weapons." This speech has moved many many people's minds and made them act, especially, among Japanese people, especially among Hibakushas.

Since I came back here, in my country, I've felt how much his speech awakened people's yearning for peace.

At the symposium, among the panelists, Mr. Patrick Coffey was there. He is a Marine veteran. He went to wars zones, he went back to university, where he saw an exhibition sponsored by Hiroshima and Nagasaki cities. He was shocked to see the photos and became active for peace. I was impressed by his enthusiasm for peace.

Through this visit, I strongly felt people's hope for realization of nuclear-free world has become so strong after hearing the Obama's speech in Prague. I hadn't realized it so strongly till I got there. I heard people referring or talking about the speech so many times while I was there. People make their eyes shine so beautifully when they talk about that, which would make me even a kind of sad, worrying or wondering if the President can make it or not.... or if he could overcome the obstacles coming toward him when he tries to make it, because I can see people here have just started to believe seriously that we might be able to make the world without any nuclear weapons. I know it's not that easy. And I don't know if I can believe the idea...... and I don't want to make the elderly victims disappointed. I cannot explain my complex feeling with this.



I want to write about a man's story on the next entry.

Trip to Hiroshima -Trams-

One of the reasons why I love Hiroshima very much is the trams!
In Osaka, we have trams lines in very limited areas, but in Hiroshima, you could get anywhere in the city center by trams, it's amazing!

Trip to Hiroshima -Hiroshima station-

a nearby station from our house.

Tsuruhashi station in Osaka.

Osaka station.

then....

Yeah! We are at the Hiroshima station at noon!!!
Let's start the journey!

Trip to Hiroshima -let's start!-

I'll start writing about our memorable trip to Hiroshima.

It started on August 1st. We got up at 3:30 in the morning and left home at 5 in order to take the first train. There is a special unlimited ride ticket by JR railroad company sold only during holiday seasons, called Seishun 18 Kippu. You could take any local trains cost only around $20 per day. You cannot take any bullet trains or limited express trains without paying additional fare.

We bought the tickets and made five connections to get to Hiroshima. It took us more than 6 hours to get there (if you use bullet trains you can get there within 2.5 hours).

We have the purpose to be there. We were to listen in the symposium called "The Road to the Abolition of Nuclear Weapons", which were starting at 1 PM on August 1st, so we needed to get to the Hiroshima station till noon.

I do love trip by train! I love it! So does Takao. We enjoyed our journey so much! And we made it! All trains came on time so we made all of the connections. Then....

two articles I loved on NYT

The first one is about baseball in Japan.

"Japanese Baseball: Root, Root, Root and Buy Me Some Eel "


I think this is well-described about rooting at rooting style in Japan.
I love baseball and I've been in stadiums a lot of times with my husband to root for my favorite team, Hanshin Tigers and I do love our rooting style here. If you have a chance to visit my country and you are a baseball fan, you should go there and join them!


The second one is about atomic bomb in Japan.

A Flash of Memory

I didn't know Ms. Miyake, who is well-known clothing designer not only in Japan but also in the world, is a Hibakusha, A-bomb survivor. I was moved with his words a lot. We are planning to visit Hiroshima city in a few weeks. We visited there two years ago and loved the city. We learned a lot by visiting the A-bomb memorial museum, communicating with local people there. And I had a chance to stay in the US and build relationships with a lot of American people. I became to think of peace more than ever. Then President Obama's speech about elimination of nuclear weapons. I remember I saw a map at the museum which tells us how many nuclear weapons each country has at the time.

Each of us seems not to have any power but if we do it altogether, I believe we can do anything.

I hope we can learn more things on our visit to Hiroshima this time.

home delivery Pizza here and there

Some delivery pizza ads was put in our mailing post today and I just remembered my experience in the US. When my American friends and I bought pizzas, they asked me what ingredient I liked to put in the pizza and I said "corn!". To my surprise, they seemed surprised and said "we never put corn in pizzas. In fact corn is quite popular ingredient for pizzas here.

You can see some delivery pizza menu here:

PIZZA-LA
Domino-pizza

You see any differences between here and there?

flower of rainy season

Every year in June especially in rainy season, they are adorable!
Can you read what it says on the red box next to them or guess what is inside the box?

love

I love the sound of "love".

When you say "l" for the start of the word, you get ready for expressing your most beautiful feeling by bringing your tongue upward.

Then you pronounce "o" part (I don't know how to explain the phonetic of the sound by spelling... but it's a kind of upside down of "v" phonetic alphabet). I do love the vowel sound. You don't open your mouth so wide or you don't close your mouth. You say it out loud but you still keep it inside you..... I think this part represents "love" itself. You want to say it to the person you love and you still want to keep the beautiful feeling in you forever. Also it sounds like you really cherish the feeling of "love".....


I love the sound of "love".


As an ESL student who has been learning this language with deep love for the past 8 years or so (after many years of absence since my school days, the time when I didn't have any fervor with any subjects!) , I often find some English sounds so beautiful and meaningful to each word. I'll write about it if I find anything new!

shine

Lately, I think of English words' sounds and find several of them beautiful.

I love the sound of "shine".
Whenever I say "shine" out loud, or even just imagine "shine" in my mind, I feel something shiny in front of me.

The "sh" sound makes everything sparkling!
Then "ai" double-vowel comes after "Sh", you open your mouth so wide, that you feel the "sh"'s shiny air is brought from your mouth into the air.
Then you close your mouth to say "n" sound as if you enjoy the shiny sound.

I think it's perfect!
It shouldn't be "dine" or "gine" or "rine" or anything but "shine"!


Am I weird to feel this? I don't know....
I want to write about the sound of one more word.

better and better

When you feel something worst, then you will feel better and better as I've been so for the past two days!

When I woke up yesterday morning, I already felt better.

I chatted with my friend, who made me feel even better. She listened to my story and understood the struggling and was with me.

Today, I went shopping to buy a pair of black sandals since the only black pair I had got broken last week. I found good ones and felt so happy.

You can do anything which might make you feel better and you'd realize you had been already happy.

tomorrow

Sometimes, I'd feel like I want to stop living my life then I'd find that kind of thought so wrong and think of myself stupid.

I have a tiny darkness in my mind. Every time I meet the person it would emerge to my mind again.... and I'd remember it'd been existed. I'd think I'm the lest happiest existence on the planet, I know it's not true, but you sometimes go there and cannot help.

Today I was in that kind of mood and I hated my fate of having the person around me. I know it's an evil thought and I don't want to think that way.


Sometimes, I'd miss yesterday because I was happier there.
Sometimes, I'd miss even tomorrow because I want today to be gone as soon as possible.

Today, I'm hoping I do have tomorrow as soon as possible and I know I will!

Hello, tomorrow, where are you? I want to see you soon! I'd love you there!

I love you, tomorrow!

Tomorrow, I'll feel much better.

Summer!

It's been so hot today here in Osaka. I compared the temperatures in several places.

It's 16:10.
According to Yahoo weather website current temperatures are:

In Osaka, 89F

In Brooklyn, 64F

In Washington. D. C. 65F


I know it's at midnight in the US though...... it's hot here! I'm sure summer is right here!
I feel like going to the beach right now!

Sunday dinner and Tonight's

It was Takao's birthday this Sunday. So I went to the department store after doing an MC job at a concert hall outskirts of Osaka and bought two boxes of luxury bento-box made by a famous restaurant (it was on a bargain, $10 for each though!) and a rolled cake with a lot of fruits in it!

We enjoyed his birthday party together with these gorgeous meals. Thanks to the department store shops!

Then tonight, I made dinner like this.
It was cloudy today so I didn't want to go out. I made it up from what we had. The white meal was made of Tofu, salty sun-dried sermon, a cucumber seasoned with soy-sauce dressing, mayonnaise, and some seeds of sesami. The brown meal was made by chicken, eggplant, carrot, and Shimeji and Maitake mushrooms seasoned with instant brown stew block, ketchap and salt'n pepper. Even though I didn't go grocery shopping, it was still a gorgeous dinner!

Assisted an ESL activity on a school trip in Nara

I visited Todaiji in Nara today with elementary school pupils. Several English language volunteers were asked to help them for their ESL activity to interview foreign tourists from all over the world.


Last Tuesday, I got a phone call from my friend who is an elementary school teacher. I met her in Canada in 2001. We were class mates in an ESL school. Our meeting was interesting. It was my first experience both to stay in local people's home in English speaking country, and also to attend an ESL school. We sat next to each other on my first day at the school. We both had a limited ability to speak English at that time. We were serious students so for the first few weeks, we just tried to communicate with each other just in English, not in our mother tongue, Japanese, so our conversation hadn't gone very deep.

As her leaving time was getting near, we gradually had a desire to know each other more and finally one day, when I had a gloomy day and needed someone to talk to in my language, we started to speak in Japanese. Then we knew that we had the same accent, a kind of Osaka dialect, after a few weeks from the first meeting, we knew we both were from Osaka!

After being back in Japan, we got in touch with each other, and she started to come to my house regularly to have music lessons with me. We became close friends before long.

Anyway, I got a phone call from her, and she asked me to help their ESL activity and I said Yes! The activity plan was: The 6th grade students were going to visit Todaiji in Nara and try to interview foreign tourists by themselves. When they need any help, for example, when they cannot understand what the tourists are saying, then we, the volunteers, are there to help them.

Last Wednesday, I went to the school to have a rehearsal with them. The 5th and 6th grade students in the school are going to have English class once a week regularly starting from this month or so. They have done English classes with a native speaking teacher coming from outside for several times. They are getting used to English but still have difficulty with it. So this is a very challenging activity for them. At first their voices were rather small but got louder and louder as they got used to it. I was so impressed with their efforts.


And it was the school trip day today! I was assigned to a group consisting of 5 boys. They asked a question about Japanese cartoons. They greeted the tourists, asking if they may ask a question, asking to take a picture together, saying thank-you, handing a thank-you card to the interviewees. Our group met four groups from Holland, England, Australia, and France. All of the interviewees were kind and patient, waiting for the students speaking slowly but accurately.... I think they had a great experience there. Thanks to all of the tourists we met there!




As I was being there with them, I remembered my first experience talking to foreigners..... when I was a kid, perhaps, I don't remember exactly when, but I do remember that I was so nervous about if my English could be understood or if I could understand what they were saying. So my voice must have been so small and my pronunciation was not so good. But I was sooooooo excited when I could communicate with foreigners for the first time then I thought I wanted to communicate with them deeper and deeper..... The first experience and the first impression led me to the study abroad experiences afterwards.

I hope they had a great time today with us and liked the communication with foreigners. I also hope some of them are going overseas in the future and become rainbow bridges between many many people in the world!!!

Booko was gone to heaven in peace

On May 23th, early in the morning she was gone in peace under the gaze of Takao and I. She gave us a lot of happy moments and we were really fortunate having her as our family.

She loved getting on top of towels, especially when they were newly washed like this picture.

We love you, Booko, forever. Thank you for your lovely presence in our lives.


And... we still have two more kitties with us, Gara and Momo. I hope they have longer and joyful lives with us.

Please pray for Meredith

Some of you might remember my friend, Ben Wallis, who has given such encouraging comments on my blog several times. Although we have met each other just twice at the Western Wind workshops last summer and this winter, we became so close to each other spiritually through our conversation via e-mail.

Recently I heard sad news from him. His eight-year-old granddaughter, Meredith, has been in the hospital since April 27th in a medically induced coma. My heart has been aching since then.

My friends, no matter what kind of religion you have or you don't have any, please pray for her
and her family. It's so sad to hear such a little angel is in the hospital and in a serious condition... I've been praying and will continue to do so.... but I thought I could write about it here and you could add your prayer for her and then the amount of healing power reached her and her family.....

For more information please visit here.



Thank you for your warm spirit.

Spring!

It's spring over here! This is my neighbor shrine with beautiful cherry blossoms. We've been having a peaceful time since we came home. There will be the first rehearsal with my choir this coming Friday. I feel so grateful to see them again!!

See you, NY, and hello again, Osaka!

Takao and I have arrived our loving home safely, for him, since 2 weeks ago, for me, since exactly 365 days ago. Both of the flights, NY to SF, SF to Osaka, got off on time.

The first thing I did was going up stairs to see our kitties. I called their names, Booko replied under the blanket and appeared soon, Gara replied cowardly behind the TV and didn't appeared while I was there, Momo didn't reply at all but showed her face from the box on the wardrobe and looked at me puzzled. I realized how long I hadn't been here.

Takao went out to buy Bento boxes for dinner while I was cutting bagels from Whole Foods NY to put them in the freezer. We have enjoyed the bentos and miso soup as we were watching the baseball game, Yokohama Bay Stars and Hanshin Tigers. Kanemoto hit home-run as if he welcomed me back!



We called my mother and his parents to let them know we got home safely.
I feel like I can sleep 24 hours tonight!
Good night from Osaka, Japan!

reunion with my husband after a year of absence

My husband, Takao, arrived at JFK at 3AM safely! I went there by a car service. The driver was a nice guy so I enjoyed talking with him all the way, never got bored!

It was a good timing. Just right after I entered the airport building, he came out with his luggage. We didn't hug each other but just say "Hi!" "Oh" or something like that. We were so natural as if we hadn't have such long absence at all! His flight was delayed for about five hours at SF and the airline gave no food so he was hungry. I cooked Top Ramen with egg. He enjoyed it and is sleeping peacefully now. I cannot believe we are together again. I feel so relieved and peaceful. We are having twelve days here and going back Japan on the 16th.

Not my days but OUR days in NY just started! I'm so happy to have him here.


I'm so sleepy.... so I'll go to sleep. Good night!

Such a special evening!!

I had such a special evening last Saturday at the Polyhymnia concert.

The concert went so well and I was feeling like being in a heaven all the time.
What made the evening special is not only the music, I had a lot more!!

Many of my friends were there:
Marge, Rita, Cricket, Bruce, Sig and Dorry, Hsin, and Ann from Friday Night Group.
Ieva and Togu, Lisa, Jonathan from my neighborhood, Park Slope, Brooklyn.
And Pastor Eugenia and Dinah from the nursing home I was volunteering.
Also, I met several friends from The Western Wind workshops.

I felt especially overjoyed to have Dinah there. She is my piano student, we had several lessons together. Also, I feel like she is my mother at the nursing home. Whenever I cried or was discouraged for some reason, she gave me snack, such as cookies, chewing gums, crackers, chocolates, and it soothed me so much.... I'd been very much hoping to invite her to my concert. Actually, we had tried it once. I invited her to the Columbia Collegium Musicum last November. She made a reservation for the Access-A-Ride, however, somehow, she couldn't get the car. I heard from the pastor that she cried a lot when she knew she couldn't make it. The next time we saw each other, we hugged each other and cried and cried together for a long time. I felt so sad and thought I wanted to invite her again.

This time, by the great help of Pastor Eugenia, Ieva and Togu, she finally made it!

I was so delighted when I saw her at the pre-concert lecture hall. I was sitting down one of the chairs but I couldn't help myself standing up and came over to her as soon as I found her there. We hugged each other. She kept saying "I'm so happy" and I felt the same thing. We handed in hand so tight for a while as if we were confirming our happiness together. It was the first time we saw each other since I stopped going there in the beginning of January.

She enjoyed the concert so much. After the concert, I introduced her to all of my friends being there. She enjoyed chatting with everybody, saying, "Please take care of my daughter, Naoko." I was so glad to be able to introduce her to everyone.

She couldn't go downstairs to join the reception, so they went to a cafe afterward. I joined the reception to say thank everyone for a half hour or so and headed to the cafe. She said it was her first time to have joyful time at a cafe in over the past many many years. Attending at a classic music concert itself was also very special for her. We enjoyed sandwich together happily.

Although we had to wait the car coming to pick her up for another 45 minutes or so in front of the church building in a cold air at midnight, I didn't feel any cold at all because I was filled with happiness. I believe everybody there felt the same way that night. The car came 11:30 and she left with a big smile. Still now, I feel so happy as I remember this, writing....



Another thing made that evening special was..... I had my best friend, Lisa, there! She told me that she was attending her relative's birthday party in Connecticut, so might not able to make it. I didn't expect she was there, so I didn't know she was there until I saw her after the concert. I was so overjoyed to see her there and couldn't stop myself crying and crying... They drove and drove after the party. I was so impressed with their doing it for me. We hugged each other so tight and I was so happy. And she loved the music, that made me happy, too! We shared the joy together next morning and reminisced the happy time...




I feel like the Friday Night Group people as my family now. They appreciate my every accomplishment with music with me. Whenever I get lost with my music, they are always there to help me out with open arms. I would join the singing session with them on Friday night and get back my confidence again. I have only several more Fridays with them. I cannot believe we have to say good-bye so soon......


The concert evening became such a memorable time for me. I will not forget that evening in my life.

I cannot wait to get the recording and let my husband listen to it!!!



Now, I have to move on.....
I'll be appearing a small concert this weekend at my friend's apartment.

I'll be singing a solo piece with Togu's accompaniment , a quartet piece with Hsin, Rita and Sig, a duet piece with Richard, and accompanying a Dowland piece with viola da gamba by Virginia for Caroly singing. I have a lot of separate rehearsals this week also I have practice by myself. I have to work hard so that I would not regret the precious time with all of them!

feeling of no one and everyone

I finally recovered from a cold and feel so happy to be able to sing comfortably!


I'm going to sing at the Polyhymnia concert this coming Saturday.
I've been joining them only for this concert.
I was given this opportunity from my friend, Marge, who were singing with them for the past several seasons. She cannot make it this time and asked me to sing with them. I was delighted to be asked to sing among such an excellent smaller ensemble.


When I first joined them in January, I was so nervous and worried if I could do OK or not....
There were only two altos, including me, that evening.
Then we started to sing.
I was so surprised with how beautiful they sounded!
And I couldn't believe I was in it!
I thought it would be really great if I would be allowed to join them.
I was so glad when the conductor, John, said to me "See you next week, Naoko!" in the end of the rehearsal.


I have a special feeling whenever I sing among the choir.

I feel I'm no one and at the same time I'm everyone. It's hard to explain but....
I feel like my voice is melted with everyone's
so I don't feel like I'm singing at all....
or I feel like I'm singing but my voice is not only my voice
but everone's voice is sounding from my body or so.

Or.... I'm singing
but it feels like my voice is up in the air with everyone's voice,
dancing around, enjoying the music altogether!!
Like angels of voices are up there and smiling to us.

I don't have to worry about anything.
Just enjoy singing.


I hope you see what I mean.

I have to say good-bye to everyone in the choir after this concert. I'll definitely miss them. When I had to say good-bye for the C4 members, my heart ached a lot.

I should feel happy. Yes, I should feel so because I was given such a great opportunity to sing with them even for only one concert. If I didn't have this opportunity, I would not have known this wonderful feeling, a feeling of both no one and everyone.

I'm so excited about singing in this concert.
It's going to be beautiful.
I'm sure.


If you want to see me singing there, just come and listen to us!

communicating doesn't mean understanding

I was thinking about this a lot yesterday.

For the past few days, my singing practice hasn't been working well and I cannot trust my ears, I hate my music, voice, timber, tuning, everything. Then I even think I should stop singing at all, maybe not now but after going back to Japan...? Because it is too hard. Yesterday, suddenly, I got sick and tired of putting any effort on music, an evil thinking! I thought, "Maybe I have bad bad ears and I never recognize good from bad, then I cannot improve myself at all, I cannot be a good musician at all."


Then I thought, how other people hear their own voices? By their inner ears, or by recording of their voices?

Then I thought, oh, I never know how other people feel about it because I cannot become others.

Then I thought, it's so sad somehow.

We communicate with each other, sometimes, desperately, to understand each other.
We spend hours, days, months, years, or for life, to understand people we love.
Sadly, we cannot truly understand anybody.

The fact saddened me.

One of the reasons I started to learn English language is to communicate with not only people who speak my language, Japanese, but also people who speak one of the major languages, English.

The more I learn English, the more I feel a limit which I feel I can never overcome.
I believe my English has improved somehow since I started to learn it.
But I am often told that my pronunciation or tone doesn't blend with other singers maybe because my mother tongue is different from others. Then I see the darkness.
Yes, it's natural and I maybe cannot get rid of my accent.
I feel so sad..... that makes me want to stop everything I'm doing now.

When you love something a lot, and put lots of effort on it,
You'd feel a big wall and get overwhelmed.
I know I am thinking too much.
I should take everything easier.
I know.


But I believe,
Thinking a lot about something teaches me.


I thought, yesterday,
we never truly understand others because we cannot become others,
Compassion might be the most difficult feeling to have.
But we should never give up to understand others,
We shouldn't.
When we give it up,
The world would become so cold.....

I don't give it up.
So I should continue to communicate with people.
I should not stop it.

Then I shouldn't stop music also?
I don't know the answer yet.

Why I make a relation between music and communication?
Maybe because I think playing music is a great way of communication, great when it goes well.
Then I would think if my playing music is a good communication or not..... then ..... not sure about it.


I hope I can find a good answer.

My mother's favorite

After work yesterday, I went to the music library at the Lincoln centre. I didn't have specific things to check out in my mind.

I felt like I wanted to listen to a good examples of singing, so I went to the voice music CD shelf. I started from A-B section. A man was there. It was a narrow aisle.

He said, "Oh, sorry, I'll be out of your way soon once I find the one I'm looking for."
I said, "No, please go ahead, I have nothing particular in my mind, just looking around, so I'll start the other side, take your time!"
He: Thank you!
I: Enjoy your time!


Then after a while, I finished to look at the other side and went back to the B section again. He was still there.

He: Hi, again! Look I found it!
I: Oh, great! What did you find?
He: A Bach's cantata.
I: Wonderful! Do you sing?
He: No. Actually, this is my mother's favorite.
I: Oh, that is sweet. Enjoy it!
He: How about you?
I: I'm a choral singer so I'm looking for some music which I might want to sing.
He: That's the best way to do it! Enjoy exploring your music!
I: Nice talking to you!

I think he is in his late 50's or early 60's.
How sweet he is to listen to his mother's favorite music.

This warm exchanging soothed me a lot.
I love being in the libraries.....

18th wedding anniversary

Today, March the 2nd is our 18th wedding anniversary!

We had our wedding party on March 2nd in 1991. I think about 250 people came to celebrate us, including 4 choirs we were involved in. Each group sang for us beautifully. My husband conducted for some pieces and I played the piano for several pieces in my wedding dress.

We first met in 1987 when I joined his conducting choir as an alto singer. My friend's brother was singing there and asked my friend and me to join. Actually, I was not so happy at that time so singing among the choir once a week became my joyful time. After a while, I was asked to become a pianist for another university student chorus, for which he was conducting, and I said yes. We saw each other more often and became good friends. We talked about music after the rehearsals, we thought of how we could make the sound better, how we could make the singers improve.....


After four years, we hold the wedding party and started to live together. I can't believe 22 years has gone since our first meeting!!!!

We have been good partners all the time both when we were doing music and when we were doing other things. We enjoy walking together. We love going to the library and explore our own favorite books for a while, we would go to a cafe then show each other what we got. We love spending time with our cats, just doing nothing special. We love going to the Koshien ball park to cheer up our favorite team, the Hanshin Tigers. We love traveling together both domestic trip and overseas. We love eating out together. We love talking over anything. We have never been tired of sticking together.

Now, for the past 11 months, we have been apart from each other. We had thought we would miss each other terribly, however, to our surprise, we have been enjoying being away from each other. We would chat almost every day by Google talk, we e-mail each other often. He would listen to recordings of my performances, practices, lessons, and give me his honest comments. I would read his writings and give him my comments. We feel like we are enjoying two lives in two different places together, so two times enjoyable!


I feel greatly thankful to him to let me do this staying in NY for a year experience. And I feel so happy that we are enjoying this experience "together".

This 18th wedding anniversary will be memorable for me. Thank you, Takao, for your continued warm support. I love you!

another music into my memory box

There is something I do every time I finish my performance. Putting the music into my suitcase to bring it to Japan when I go back.

Today I put all of the C4 music into my memory box. The pile of the music became so high!

There will be four more performances to go. The Polyhymnia concert on March 14th, a small ensemble concert at my friend's apartment on March 21st, The Columbia Collegium Musicum in Hasse opera on April 4th, and finally The Columbia Collegium Musicum concert on March 14th. My departure date will be on April 16th.

I cannot believe I won't sing among C4 anymore. I fell like I've been with them for years although I joined them just for the past two programs. It started when I met the several members at the Western Wind workshop at Smith college last summer. I sang with three of them and was really impressed not only with their talent but also with their warm caring personalities. I thought I wouldn't able to see them again, I never imagined I could sing with them again, but to my surprise, they asked me to have an audition for C4 in the end of summer, which I had. Since then, time passed so fast. I got puzzled, struggled, and moaned to catch up with everyone. At first it was difficult for me to get the conductors instructions. I often didn't get where to start, where to put the dynamics, changes, nuances.... With my colleagues help, gradually, I became to enjoy every rehearsal very much! They are mostly much younger than me but they took care of me a lot!

I feel really lucky to be able to join them even for just a short time. I'll never forget this precious experience with them.

The last weekend concert was just wonderful. All the time I was singing, I felt we were all together, we were living in the same musical world with a great joy, including the warm audience!

In Japan, I was not so active as a choral singer. Recently I often think about what I want to do as for my choral life after going back to Japan. Am I looking for a choir I can belong to? Do I want to organize a new one by myself? Or do I do nothing with it just keep going with the elderly choir conducting as I was doing before coming here? I haven't reached the answer yet. But I'm sure this C4 experience has affected my musical life a lot not only for now but for the rest of my life.

As just a month and a few days left for me being here, I really feel, every experience,

from long-term one like working at the nursing home, joining the choir for a few months, relationship with church people, living with my loved friends for few months,

to a short term one like a wonderful meeting on the street, at the library, at a party, on the subway, the bus, even exchanging a word,

will be my precious precious memories.


My memory box, both practical one -my suitcase- and spiritual one -my heart- , will absolutely be full when I go back to Japan next month!!!

peace of mind

I need peace of mind.


When I'm discouraged,
When I'm disappointed with my ability,
When I cannot trust myself,
When I hate myself,
When I feel I'm in a wrong place,
When I think of parting,
When I feel I'm useless,
When I feel I disturb everyone,

I need peace in my mind.


And I'm so lucky because I always have someone to help me get back peace of mind.

A colleague of C4 choir e-mailed me with beautiful words, that encouraged me and helped me feel again that I can sing among them,
My voice teacher e-mailed me with encouraging words, that made me think that I can learn from mistakes, from something went wrong,
A friend listened to all of my stories and would say "I understand you, Naoko", that soothed me,
A church friend just said to me, "feel well, Naoko", and I felt better already,
A friend from the workshop e-mailed me with a lot of warm expressions, that made me feel I'm not alone,
A passenger just smiled at me when I said to her, "after you!", that made me feel not only my friends but also all people I pass by are there with open arms,


Since the workshop, I've been having a lot of struggling with my personality, my singing, my cold (again!!), my life......

Now there is beautiful peace in my mind.
Now I'm ready to enjoy every music I play, including singing at the C4 concert tonight.
Now I can say I love music a lot.
Now I can say I'm having a wonderful life here.

I'm ready!

hello from Brattleboro!

I'm in Brattleboro, Vermont now!!
I got up 6 in the morning and got to the office 8:30 then load all the stuff to the van we rented.
We have over 30 singers this time are singing for the next three days. I helped the registration. Although I couldn't do it so well, people were kind and forgiving, it helped me a lot!

Both the participants and local people enjoyed the concert by The Western Wind a lot and had a reception afterward. I learned a lot from them already. They sounded great.

I don't know if I can do it well or not this time. But I'm ready to enjoy it!


I'm so sleepy.... just wanted to let my friends know I'm fine.


Today's highlight was when I came out from the church after the reception, I saw beautiful stars in the sky. It was really amazing!!! I want to see the stars again tomorrow night after having a wonderful musical day......


Good night!

singing, playing and conducting .....

I had such a musical time last weekend.

On Saturday, I sang a duet from Bach cantata 99 with Rita. We had sung together several times before. We became good duet partners. This time we chose such a challenging piece for us. When we started our rehearsal last fall, we could not sing it very well. We couldn't be united so well. Then the performance was postponed due to the pianist's breaking her hip bone. We were disappointed with the postponement. However, when we restarted our rehearsal in January, we found we improved a lot with singing it! Then we were more together than the last time!

After the performance, one of our friends came to me saying "Naoko and Rita were together all the time, especially your melisma was so beautifully together. I was impressed with it a lot!" I was so glad to hear that. Actually, I had a cold and didn't feel well that day. I couldn't hear my voice and thought it sounded funny and not good at all. But I tried to trust myself and just concentrate on our being together, building music together, saying the words together.... I was glad my intention was reached to the audience!

I was impressed with other singers' performances a lot! Some sang a Bach aria with the flute played by her daughter. There were a lot other pieces that were sung by hearts.... We were filled with lovely music that night.



On Sunday, I played many challenging roles in my church service. It was called "Choir Sunday" so the service was directed by our music director, Pam.

I played the piano for an offertory and doxology.
I played the organ for several hymns during the organist's preach.
And the most challenging thing for me that day was conducting the choir's piece. Usually we don't have a conductor. We have just a pianist,Pam, and sing with her accompaniment. However, this time, we had lots of complicated entrances, dynamics and mood changes. Pam and I talked about how we could make people feel better with singing it. A week ago, we thought about several patterns. I should play the piano part? Or I could conduct? We tried them.... and decided that Pam would play the piano and I would try to conduct.

I was not sure till that day if people feel comfortable to have a conductor since they usually didn't have one. I prepared for it, make music, practiced showing cues, breathing, dynamics and so on.

To my joy, people sang it so beautifully in the end! During the rehearsal, when some member asked about the note or rhythm, another member said, "Look at Naoko! She shows us everything!" something like that. I was so glad to hear that. Then everyone gradually looked at me and breathed with me, eventually we played music altogether, with a great joy! Ieva later told me that everyone seemed very confident and to sing so joyfully. That was great! I felt really happy while I was conducting because people were singing so spiritually. I was so impressed with their singing and I felt so happy that I could be helpful. I'll never forget this day.



I have to admit that I was so exhausted when I got home.....!! But it was a good kind of exhaustion!
I had such a musical time.


And..... I will have another musical time next weekend! I'm joining The Western Wind Winter Wonderland Workshop in BrattleBoro, Vermont! I very much look forward to seeing wonderful singers there and having a great time together. I have to get over my cold till then.... I will!

They taught me....

My husband sent me a sound file yesterday. It was a recording by the senior choir members I was teaching in Japan and currently my husband teaches them for me. They are having a performance at the city cultural festival in the beginning of February.

I was deeply impressed by their singing. It taught me a lot.
They were singing in their language, which means in MY language. Their words came into my mind so directly. Rang the bell.

I've been singing a lot of pieces since I came to NY last spring but rarely have had a chance to sing any in my language. As a result, even I would try to think of the meaning while I sing, I tend to care too much about the rhythm, melody, pitch, etc.

I'm performing a Bach duet this coming Saturday at a small concert. It's a challenging piece. I've been struggling with it and was thinking everything was going wrong with my singing..... lately. But the recording taught me that I should more care about the meaning of the piece. I should understand every word while I sing it. I'll work on it today. I'll try to make it best until the last minute.

They taught me one more important thing. They sounded so joyfully. Singing is a joy!



Whenever I get stuck, some gift would be sent to me and save me. I'm so fortunate.

I cried because....

When I was looking for lyrics for the composition assignment by the conducting class teacher, I found an impressive expression:
"I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet"

Though I didn't use this for my composition, this expression stayed in my mind.
Yesterday, I had a situation similar to this.


I was crying yesterday. For nothing. For small things.
I felt insecure, about everything, about my music, my voice, my life here and there,
I felt sad, about everything, about .......

I couldn't stop myself so I left the office and went to the bathroom downstairs.
I entered a room and shut the door, started to sob, like a baby! (don't laugh at me!)
Then somebody started to talk..... in a very loud voice.
I didn't know who it was.

The voice was talking about her life.
How she was doing OK in 90's.
She had a good job, good income.
She had her family.
Her husband was doing great at that time.

Then she lost her job.
Her husband spent all the money and left.
She was talking and talking.....
She didn't understand why her life went wrong.....
When it started to go wrong... .
She doesn't believe it was her fault.

I opened the door and came out, standing before the mirror.
I washed my face.
A miserable face was in the mirror.

The voice was coming out from another room.
She was speaking to herself.
I could tell she is a homeless.

I felt as if she was encouraging me while I felt sorry for her.
"Don't cry about such small things. You won't die from them, right?"
I felt she was speaking to me like this.


Yes. That's right!


Maybe I was a little bit tired.
Maybe I was a little bit overwhelmed.
Maybe I was thinking too much about many things.


I'll be all right.

music in the chapel service and a piano lesson afterward

I went to the nursing home for the first time since new year. The current pastor was not there so she asked Ieva to sub her. Ieva asked me to help her. I thought it would be a good opportunity for me to see the residents again.


Since I stopped going there, The residents' faces appeared in my mind and would greet to me. I often felt guilty stopping going there without any notice to them. Or I simply doubt my decision to stop doing it was right or wrong..... My mind was wandering around since then even though I feel happy with my new life involved a lot in music.

I went to Ieva's place and we took the subway together. As we were heading to the Home, I felt odd. I felt the Home so far away, not in terms of distance, but in terms of my mind-set. I felt the Home a different place. And at the same time, it was exactly the same. And I felt even at home somehow.

People greeted me. Some told me they had missed me, saying they would love to have me again, including my music class.

The chapel service was lovely. Ieva asked each resident what they had in their mind to say to God. Some sang, others prayed, or said something. All of the words were impressive, yet I didn't become emotional until I saw my piano student. I know She had missed me a lot. I felt especially guilty for her. But I tried not to be upset. I tried to concentrate on the music.

I played the "Precious Lord" for the first Hymn, which is my favorite among the songbook. Ms. Paul sang beautifully in French, Ms. Robert sang spiritually... Mr. Johnson prayed energetically as always, Mr. Thurmond talked about his childhood memory enthusiastically. And Mr. Harris, who loves music especially the piano playing, talked to me all the time during the service, "Play the piano, she wants to sing, play the piano with her! I haven't seen you for a long time. Where were you? Where were you for such a long time. You should play the piano!"

I loved all the people there. I realized how much I loved them. Then I thought, even so, I cannot go back there as a regular volunteer. I cannot tell why. Just I thought so.

I decided to think of this, God gave me a time for prepare for our parting. Before coming here, I was not sure whether I could build a good relationship with them, or whether they would accept me. After a while I started to work there, I already began to feel I would miss them terribly after saying good bye. I was imagining how hard it would be when my going back to Japan, the time to say good bye to them. Now, I am in NY and don't have to say good bye to them. I can visit them anytime I want, and also I reduced my visit so that I can have a slight distance from them...... I can think of it sadly but also positively.


After the service, I talked my deep thoughts only to my piano student. She said, "thank you for sharing, Naoko. This is helpful to me. I'll pray for you. You can visit me anytime, I'll be glad with it!" After chatting, we had a piano lesson. It was a glovely time.


I think there would be a chance or several times for me to do the same role. I look forward to seeing them next time!

Taking a cab in NYC

On Wednesday, I was told to escort a woman, who is an adviser for the office, to her assisted living place. After work, we took a cab and got in together. It was my first experience to get in the cab in NYC for this stay. I didn't know I had to shut the door. In Japan, you don't have to do it. The door will be open and close automatically by the driver. It was a van type cab. The driver told me to push down the red button and shut it. I tried but it was not good enough. The driver said, "Do it strongly! Slam the door!" Oh I can slam the door! Usually it's considered to be rude to slam the door. I did it strongly then it was shut eventually. The driver said, smiling, "Good job!"

Then when we got off, I had use a credit card to pay the fare. There was a machine. The driver told me how to use it. I swipe the card, then failed, did it again, it was successful! Then I have to decide how many percent of tip to give him, I asked the adviser lady to decide, she pushed 25 %, then the receipt finally came out!

I said to the driver, "It took time for you to teach me, I'm sorry." He said, "No, no, sometime it'd take much more time for others to understand it. Or sometime, the machine doesn't work well at all, it's really annoying, but you are very good!" I was glad to be told that!


There are lots of things I don't know in NYC!

sacred time

I love my vocal lessons a lot.
When I started it, it was really hard to follow my teacher's instructions.
I struggled and wandered every now and then.
I became desperate sometimes.
One day, I noticed how much I improved by listening to the past lesson's recordings.

When I realized I started to feel our lesson as a sacred time.
I don't know since when...
Maybe after having a hard time in my life here and was seeing for some hope, or maybe not because of it.
I feel so happy that I can learn so many things from her, or during the time learning music with her.
When I'm in the lesson, I feel as if I was in a different world, where everything is pure and beautiful.

Preparation for each lesson is not so easy.
Required a lot of work.
Sometimes even if I put a lot of effort, I fail to be better.
My direction for being better would be wrong....
But I believe it's better than doing nothing.
I don't want to be afraid of making mistakes.
It's worth doing it.

My teacher keeps encouraging me.
She understands how much I work hard.
She never gives up to make the music improve in any ways.
She herself doesn't spare any effort for making her music better.
Most of all, she loves music a lot.

I like her way very much.
I'm very fortunate to have her as my teacher, or I should say as my mentor.

I thank God to let us meet.
I have been given so many gifts from God.
I am so fortunate.

I want to share my fortunes to everybody I'll be meeting for the rest of my life.
So that I can remember my fortunes forever.
I am so fortunate.

counting

I count the remaining days being here.
Sometimes I even cannot sleep well when I think of it.
What I can do for the rest of the days?
What am I going to do after going back to Japan?
As the time comes near, I think of how I can make the transition, both mentally and practically.
It is very destractive.
I want to be stable but I cannot be stable about it.

Yes, I can see my loved people again who are waiting for me.
My husband, my family, my friends, the member of my choir, and my kitties.
It's really exciting.
Yes, should be exciting.


Then I imagine how much I would miss my precious friends I've been establishing a rapport here.

I should not count it any more.
I should enjoy the each blessing time without thinking of how many more times I can have it.
I should think of how wonderful it would be that I can share all of my joyful experiences with my precious people in Japan when I go back there.
It should be exciting.
Yes, it should be.