Monday, June 30, 2008

The third day at the workshop

It was sunny this morning, no mist at all. I enjoyed the clear sky and lots of green on my way to the dining hall, of course through the botanic garden. It smelled very beautiful in the morning, like a soothing aroma.

Before the morning session, I went to the practice room and enjoyed play with the Steinway piano. I love the sound!

At the morning session, I knew one of our members left because she got sick. It was very sad news. I hope she gets well soon. I know she is an excellent soprano singer and very much enjoyed singing with her. I was very sorry about it. Anyway, we had to decide what we were going to sing at the weekend course's final concert. We read several songs and chose 6 songs.

It was again very challenging for me mostly because of the language..... Yesterday, I had time to practice by myself both after lunch and dinner. Today, we had a concert in the afternoon. So not enough time to match the note and language. Anyway, I did my best and everybody helped me as always. I'm so glad I have wonderful members in my group. It's been a very special opportunity to sing in an ensemble, where just one person sing for one part. It's challenging but also rewarding and worth doing it! I could feel eveybody's music spirit while I was singing. Such a precious time. Hopefully, I want to join their discussion more for the next time, so I have to learn lots about music. It should be fun!

Before the concert, I talked with Julia, who is a high school student participant. I met her and her parents soon after I came here. We are in different generations but have mutual feeling as first time participants. We shared our nervous feeling each other ,encouraged each other, and promised to pray for each other's good luck at the performance. It was a really good time. She had a lovely voice. I'm sure she is going to be a good singer!

At the concert, I was totally messed up and stopped music not only one time but.... several times! But none of them blamed me, which made me so moved. I cried after the performance maybe because of a sense of relief, gratitude, regret.... mixed with everything. I was impressed with every groups' performances. They have done various kinds of pieces almost all were new to me. It was just a gorgeous time to be there and enjoyed their harmony and wonderful team work after a lot of efforts.

Julia approached me later and we hugged each other as we were crying. She made it and I did my best, which should be wonderful!


Ok, it finished!

At dinner time, I had two pieces of cheese cakes and an ice cream bar. My body just needed sweets. And I'm sure you'll be surprised later....

After dinner, I went to a movie, titled "Young@heart". I really wanted to see the movie so I was glad to have a chance to see it. The director and one of the senior members of the Young@heart were on Brian's show a few weeks ago. I saw their YouTube clip and was impressed with it. The movie was very very touching. I didn't know that but the group is founded here, Northamton, it's a local group here. Also it reminded me of the members of my senior choir in Japan. I remember, when I told them I was going to NY to work as a volunteer for one year, they all agreed with my idea, but one member came up to me afterward and said, "I'm glad you made your dream come true, but I'm not conficent if I'm still alive or not when you are back...." and started to cry..... It made me so sad. I just could said to her, "Please please be well and wait for me, OK? Promise me!" I really hope she stays healthy until I go back to Japan next April.


Also it reminded me of one more thing. Since I came here, four residents passed away at the nursing home. One of them had no family so Ieva, the pastor, did the funeral. We went there with several residents in a wheel chair. There was no family except us. We talked about her memory and sang hymns for her. Her face was so beautiful being freed from pain, and struggling. It made me think a lot.

The nursing home staff has asked me to do some kind of music activity there. The movie very much inspired me.


Oh I have to admit, I went to a ice cream shop after the movie with people who saw the movie, and .... went there again one hour later with all of my group members! ummmm..... too much sweets, I know! Should be careful. But it was so much fun!


Good night from Smith!

Sunday, June 29, 2008

The second day at the workshop


It was mist this morning, very romantic and I loved it.

On my way to the breakfast place, I saw rabbits and squirrels! There were half sleeping yet so I could take picture of them. They were so cute! Also there is a botanic garden where we can enter anytime so I walked through there. Flowers, trees, a fountain, birds, welcomed me! I had a pancake and salad for breakfast, which was good!

After lunch was a warm-up time, and then we were divided into five groups. My facilitator was Elliot. We had four singers in our group, two sopranos, one also (me), and one tenor. Elliot joined us as a bass singer. In the morning two hour session, we sang more than ten songs! It was very very challenging for me but I had a great fun to sing with such great singers! Discussion time is always difficult for me. Everybody talked about music wonderfully,which I found difficult to understand. I need to know more about music terms in English. Also, I stopped everyone by singing wrong notes..... I was a little bit down after the morning session because I was worried that if I bothered everyone although everyone was so tolerate and kind to me.... After lunch time, I spent an hour to practice my part in a practice room at the hall building. There are tens of practice rooms, to my surprise, each room has a grand piano (Steinway and Sons!). Amazing! As I practiced, I realized how happy I was be there. I was surrounded by music, I'm just doing music with wonderful people. It's like a heaven, isn't it? I want to make this time beautiful so I'll work as hard as I can! In the afternoon session, I felt better and could have more fun!

After dinner, we had a seminar, where each group performed one after another and got suggestion from the Western Wind members. It was a great lesson for me not only to get suggestions but to learn how to encourage people, also how to motivate people. I loved every group's performance. Everybody loves music here. We are all musical people. How wonderful!

At start, it was difficult, I got nervous. I think I'm getting used to the atmosphere, to know more people here, and should be OK.

Tomorrow, we are having a the-end-of-weekend-course concert in the afternoon. And some people will left and other people who are the participants of 5-day-course will be coming Monday evening. So I will meet new people and will sing with new people. I'm really enjoying my time here.


Oh it's almost 1 AM. Should go to bed!
Good night, everyone!


Naoko

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Hello from Smith college!

I'm in Massachusetts now. I'm joining a chorus workshop by the Western Wind at Smith college.
This is my room in the dormitory.
Around there, I can see a beautiful garden or historical buildings.






I had dinner at an Indian restaurant. It was yummy!

As soon as I registered, I was told to enter a small room where I had a level check audition. I sang several songs with the memberes of The Western Wind. It was sooooo dreamy, like being in a heaven. All of the participants will be divided into small groups depending on their sightreading level. I don't know which group I belong to. I will know it next morning.

After dinner, there was a concert by the members. It was fabulous! After the concert, we sang altogether.
And then we had a reception time, at the dormitory living room. I chatted with several people. I was little bit nervous but will get to know more people and should be OK.


Good night!

Friday, June 27, 2008

Ieva's last service before retiring

Today, we had Ieva's last service before her official retiring. It went so beautifully. We had many guests, including our church friend, two of former residents, and Ieva's husband. We had many volunteers also, the pianist and singer Brenda, Elizabeth,Bruce, and more!

Some sang for her, some gave comments for her, and some just pray for her. I loved the time very much. It was truly filled with love.

The theme of today's service was:

"Doing Justice, Loving Mercy, Walking Humbly With God" (Micah 6:8)

I don't know the difficult things.... but it sounds me like "Don't worry, you just listen to what God tells you to do, then everything will be all right. It might sound tough sometimes but just trust Him and follow His will and you will learn things, it will turn out to be your benefit, too." Like this. I might be wrong but now I strongly feel so. I don't know if I'm doing justice or loving mercy.... but I am pretty sure I'm here not only by my will but also His will. I believe so now. So don't worry, Naoko, He is saying so to me.

It reminds me of yesterday's conversation with a resident. Ieva and I visited his room and talked with him for a while. He is always a positive and cheerful person. Also he is humble. He rarely shows up to the day room where many residents spend time. He stay in his room most of the time. But whenever I wave to him he waves back to me with a big smile! He told us his creed, "Don't worry, not hurry." What a wonderful creed! Don't worry, everything will be all right, it's waste of time to worry about things. You can't control everything. Not hurry, if you hurry, you'll miss things, beautiful scenery, flowers blooming, birds singing, clouds playing with the blue sky, cats sleeping peacefully..... even you would miss love by your loved people if you worry too much or hurry too much!

Learning English is like this, I think. You can't not be hurry. You can't learn everything at once, not in a week, not in a month, not in a year, even not in a decade! New things come out as you walk on, from books, newspapers, people, street signs, shop people, cab drivers, everywhere. I've been nurturing my English really little by little. I won't be hurry, I want to take time to learn everything because it's fun! I don't want to worry because when you worry, your brain doesn't work well. When you feel good, you might come with good ideas, your ears open, your eyes open, your mind open to the world! So don't worry, Naoko!


I learned an important thing yesterday and today. Thank you!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

family, money, weather, fashion.....

Family might not be always important. There are those who love being alone. But at a nursing home, it matteres, I think. People are divided into three types, people who have family visiting them, people who have family but not vising them, and people without any family. It matteres..... I think. Even if you had been living your life being alone, once you get into a nursing home, naturally you miss your family because there is little to think about, to care about. Even if your family don't visit you or rarely visit you, at least you can think about them, talk about them, care about them, pray for them..... I want believe that friends or warm staff can replace it, but it seems not. Family is a last resort.


Money might not be always important. There are those who like not having much money. But at a nursing home, you might want money as much as you can, maybe you want more than you spend or need. I hear the word, "money", a lot. Money is important, especially for those who don't have family. If you don't have family, money can be a last resort.


As I'm writing this, I'm not so sure my perspective is correct or not. I might be going to find more things, get different perspectives from now on.


OK, weather.
We talk about weather. A lot. It seems sometomes in vain. Because the residents rarely go out. Only staff come from outside of the world, and go to the outside. So weather actually doesn't matter to the residents. Whether it is in a strong storm or in a terrible heat, it's always comfortable inside of the building. It's unnatural. But comfortable. Comfortable? Unnatural? Which is better? I don't know. We anyway talk about weather for the starter of the conversation. When the residents talk about heat or storm or snow or humidity, it might be from the past, from their memories. It's nice..... but? I don't know what I want them to do, but, something is strange in my mind. But, but, but...... it's natural for us to talk about the day's weather, about the season, about the nature. It maybe natural.

Fashion matters.
Yes, they don't go out so often. They go out when they go to get a medical test, or to see a doctor at another hospital. They don't go to concerts, or movies. Some do, but very rare, maybe.
But we care fashion. We praise each other's clothes, accessaries, nails, hairstyle, bags, shoes, and so on. So people might take time and think about what to wear that day because it's fun. People don't have many things but enjoy thinking of it. I love this attitude!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

News letter from my nursing home!

Now you can see the new letter of my nursing home on our website!
please click here:

On page 8, Ieva put my picture and writes about me! I didn't know that until it published, so it was a surprise gift for me! Also, you can see all residents' photos and what's going on there everyday. I hope you enjoy it!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Two angels came to tell me the meaning

On Wednesday, two angels came to the nursing home.

After the morning church service, I noticed two people were at the back side of the room and smiling at me. There were not the residents, but the family of a resident. The resident (Mr. A)'s sister and nephew. They were there to wait for me and listen to my story about Mr. A. Mr. A has been an unstable state. One day he is so clear and willing to talk and another day he is so emotional, and other day seems so sleepy, not in a chatting mood at all. The family were from Florida and had to go back there the next day so it was their last day to talk with him. They said, on Tuesday, he was very fine and they very much enjoyed time together. So they brought family pictures and some food on Wednesday, expecting having more fun with him. But he was not in a good mood that day, which made them disappointed. They couldn't leave there because it was their last they being there. So they wanted to know about his days there. They waited for me because, they said, Mr. A mentioned me as a person who is nice to him. I was so glad that he remembered my existence.

I told them things I talked with him. He told me that he went to the university in Alabama, and went to a law school in NY. He loves reading books. He professions law so he wants to be a law counselor at the nursing home. He told me about his parents who immigrated from Ireland. I told him that my friend recently stayed in Ireland to learn English and saw the parade on St. Patrick Day. On memorial day, I talk with him so I asked him what people usually do on Memorial day, or if there is a special parade or not. The next week of the conversation, he got isolated in his room due to rash appearing his skin. Since then I hadn't met him. He cried sometimes, claiming some nurses were not kind to him (might be his misunderstanding or because of his down mood though).

They seemed to appreciate what I did with him. They showed their family pictures. All of them were so beautiful.

Then they wanted to hear my own story. They asked me why I'm here. I told them the reason I'm here. I have several experiences with the elderly in musical scenes, in church, or in my childhood. I told them how I became to have loves toward them, how I restarted to learn English language, how I became interested in NY, how I became to want to listen to people's stories, especially elderly people's.

And also I told them my anxieties, like, sometimes I feel like I'm doing nothing here because I'm not a medical professional.....

Then the sister said, "Blessing!" The sister said, "you are doing the most important thing here. People here are so lucky to have you here. So is my uncle."

They cherish my presence at the nursing home. I also realized how important our job is. The sister said, "When you talk with the person face to face. That's wonderful."

I promised them that if I got anything new about him I would let them know.

I thought they were angels sent by God to let me know the meaning of my being here. I was so delighted with it. I want to listen to more stories from my dear people there.

Monday, June 9, 2008

what am I doing?

When I introduce myself to someone , maybe a Japanese woman, the typical conversation goes like this:
"What do you do here?"
"I'm working as a volunteer at a nursing home."
"Oh, you must be rich enough to do that, or you must have much spare time to do that. And I'm sure your husband are such a nice person. He must endure a inconvenient life without you."

Then might go on like this:
"Why are you here, in the US? If you want to help the elderly, you can do it in Japan. In your country. There must be a lot of Japanese elderly people who need help. Why do you need to be here as a volunteer to help the elderly? You are spending money every day, the money your husband has earned. You are a housewife. It's too fancy for you to do such a thing."



I agree with them for some ways. And I become speechless. "That's right. And I'm lucky to able to do this." I have no choice but to say this.

I try to do my best every day. But is it meaningful? I mean what I'm doing is meaningful? To who? To me? To people at the nursing home? I hope so. But I don't know. I'm not a medical specialist. I just love to talk with people. I happened to learn English. I happened to meet English language so I thought it would be meaningful to try to help people in an English speaking place. To me? If it'd be meaningful just to me. I must be selfish at all. I don't earn any money. Am I going to get a good job after this? I don't know. My purpose of being here is not to get a new job after this. What the purpose of being here for me? I don't know.

I read a book, "Jeremy Fink and the meaning of Life" by Wendy Mass. The story is about a boy, named Jeremy, who is going to be thirteen years old this summer. Jeremy's father died when he was eight. One day, a box was delivered to him. It was a box from his father. On the surface of the box, engraved words says, "THE MEANING OF LIFE: FOR JEREMY FINK TO OPEN ON HIS 13TH BIRTHDAY". To open it, 4 different keys are needed. But the keys were missing! Then Jeremy's journy to persue the meaning of life starts.

As I was reading it, it made me think a lot. I hope I feel my life here be meaningful after a year of experience. Not only to me, but hopefully, to someone else. No, it'd be OK if it's meaningful just to me. At least. Or if it doesn't seem meaningful, I think it's still OK. Because it might be turning to be meaningful when I find new meaning of this experience in the future. No?

What am I doing here? Apart from my family, spending our precious money everyday..... Is this experience nuturing me somehow? I hope so. I don't know.

I said, I try to do my best everyday. Is that true? Am I doing my best everyday? Maybe not. Or maybe.
Today, I got some negative comments about my current life here that sounded I'm selfish to do this. They nice people. They didn't mean to down me. Just said their honest impression. They were nice. So....?

I hope I can find the answer after finishing this experience.
I think I'd better to go to bed now. Tomorrow is another day.
Good night!

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

a disaster turned out to be a time to know friendship

Great ups and downs this Monday.

At the nursing home, I made a mistake, and was involved in a storm.
We had a pain management meeting in the morning. The participants were myself, a psychology doctor, the helping chaplain Eugenia and several residents. In the middle, I got out of the room to bring some juice to everyone. When I was back, the atmosphere became a kind of grey or dark. From my sitting point, both side of my next people seems to be in the middle of argument. The woman, who sat right side of me, also who I often have lunch with, claimed that the man, who sat left side of me, said to her "you ask the same question again and again" , and that was insulting. I couldn't understand the situation at once. So tried to listen to them for a while, but it got worse and worse. They just cursing at each other. I felt so sad because I like them. I'm very weak with quarrel scenes. Whenever I see people arguing in front of me, it makes me very very down. I'm OK or better when I myself argue with someone but I'm not OK when people in front of me start arguing each other.

Then the doctor started to talk his story, trying to make the situation better, trying to get their attention, trying to calm them down. I tried to listen to him but they didn't. The woman started to speak so loudly. I just wanted to stop her because I like her. Then I gestured my hand toward her to make her listen to his story. Then she got mad at me. "Even she told me shut up, I can't stand it any more." or something she shout out and left the room. I didn't mean to shut her up. But my gesture might have hurt her.

Also it made me think a lot. Everyone has their weakness. I assume her weakness is her short memory. I know she easy to forget things. It's not her fault. It's her symptom which she's been having as she gets older. What if I were her? I must be very upset if someone said, "you ask a same question again and again." , and I didn't remember what I asked the last time....... I must have felt soooooo sad and maybe don't want to admit. I might understand I lost my memories but I wouldn't like to admit the fact...... When people are pointed out their weak spot, they can't help but just get mad at anything. or anyone. I understand. My thoughts went around and around in my mind. Then I couldn't stop crying in front of the people afterward. I'm sorry I shouldn't have cried in that situation but I couldn't stop myself. In the future I too might lose my memories a lot, and might lose my confident by the fact.

The man, who argued with the woman, said to me in the end of the meeting, "Hey, you write my name on your notebook, my name is xxxx, and write that I love you! I'll come to this meeting next time, because of you!" He encouraged me a lot!


After the meeting, it was a lunch time. I approached to the woman first, and apologized. "I'm sorry. I like you." I kissed her cheek, hoping she forgave me. She did forgive me, saying, "I'm sorry too, I was told I asked the same question again and again and I don't know why I got so mad. I don't even remember why I did so..."

It was a good lunch time. We talked about a lot of things together. I told her that I'm writing my blog on the net not to forget what I thought and did everyday, otherwise I forget everything. She agreed with me that writing down what we thougjt or did is a good thing. I told her that it's natural for us to forget things, it's natural.


It turned out to be a good time!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

After work, I didn't feel like going straight home. I knew the superintendent came to my apartment during the daytime to break the main bathroom wall because there was a water leek last month in the down stair of my apartment. My landowner told me it not affect my life there, just the main bathroom's wall, not my shower room's wall. I didn't want to meet anyone that day. After crying a lot, I was exhausted. So I went to nearby McDonald and had a cheeseburger, chicken nuggets, and coffee, reading a book which I bought last Friday. I spend one hour there and got home around 6:30.

I looked at the bathroom. The wall was broken. Nobody was there. Things which were in the bathroom in the morning were put out to the kitchen. Messy but seemed normal for the rest of the rooms. So I went to my shower room and used it. After that I try to flush it, but no water came out!!!! I was so surprised and my face went colorless. I rushed to try other water facilities, tap waters in the shower room or the kitchen. NO WATER!! Oh, NO! I can't wash my face or hands, I can't use the shower room, I can't eat fruits in the fridge because I can't wash them. I called my landowner but just got the answering machine. So I left the message, "I got home now and no water is available in this apartment. I don't know what to do. Please call me back when you are available." I expected to have her call soon. But no call for the first hour so I called her again. No call back..... I started to write my blog, read a book. I was not so sad but helpless, and sorry for myself.

Then around 8:30, I had her phone call finally! She understood my situation right away and called the super. She called my neighbor, too, to ask to let me use their bathroom. The neighbor soon came to my place and said, "Use our place freely, we keep the door open, OK?" 15 minutes later or so, I could talk to the super. He was in Long Island and was so surprised to hear my situation. He didn't know the situation. He thought he stooped the water just in the main bathroom but didn't mean to stop all the water system. He said he would come to my place as soon as possible but took a while. I said I would wait anyway. Meanwhile, my music friend, who lives just a few blocks away, called me and started to say, "Naoko, there is a couch in our house. You can stay here tonight, OK?" I knew my landowner, and also who is my music friend, asked her to let me stay in her apartment. Then again, my neighbor came later and said, "If you need water, I can bring you a bucket of water, so you can wash your face or anything, do you need it? Whenever you need to use our bathroom, you can use it anytime, OK?" 11:15PM, the super finally came and we try to fix it together and made it!!!!! It was 11:30. I said thank you to the super from the bottom of my heart. He must have been so tired after getting done his another job in Long Island, and came to my place.

I made phone calls to my landowner and my friend who offered me to help, also wrote a handwriting letter to the neighbor.

At first, I thought it was a disaster, even a tragedy. But it was not.
I was so impressed, warmed up by all of the friendship. I learned the water is so important. I realized what wonderful people I have. I knew I can't live alone.

I say, it was a great day!
But to be honest, I was..... worn out......!