Hello diary, long time no see...!

I haven't written about my life for a while. I've been fine but just having no time or no energy or too many things to want to write...... !


There was a fund-raising dinner dance party by my nursing home last week. I enjoyed it very much although I am not good at party scenes. I met several people whom I had first met on my second day at the nursing home. They were visiting us to bring donated clothes by church people. I had lunch with them. I remember the day very well because I was new at that time and was nervous and insecure. I was very glad to meet them again and was able to talk to them my joyful stories at the nursing home since I met them last time. It's been more than 6 months. I just realized how many stories I have to tell them! They are planning to visit us again next spring. They said they would try to make it before my going back to Japan. If it comes true, that'd be great!


My next place to live have been decided. My friend, Lisa, let me stay in her apartment again! I'm so excited to live with her again. Since I left her place, I missed the conversation we used to have every day. I feel very very thankful to her and very glad to be back in Park Slope, close to my church friends! I'll be moving out in the middle of Dec.


I had my music class (activity) at the nursing home yesterday. It was the third time. We sang the "Love's Old Sweet Song". Pastor Ieva helped me and it went quite well. Actually it was went interestingly well. At the warm-up time, I told them to roll their shouler and their neck..... most of them couldn't do that well. Some of them couldn't move their body, others couldn't understand my instruction, another couldn't hear me at all. It was somehow disfunctional, but still I enjoyed it very much. I have to think about simpler explanation or simpler way. Having microphone around, I asked people to say their name and their favorite flower. One woman just started to sing a hymn. She might have thought it was a chapel service since Pastor and I were around. Right, it's always at church when we are around. She went on till third verses and I enjoyed her singing a lot. After that I told everyone "now you can tell she is a great singer!" Everybody agreed with me. Communicating, understanding, reponding..... it's always not easy at our place. But somehow, always unexpected things happen and we all enjoy those happenings!



I'll be appearing at two concerts at the end of this month and am getting nervous. Everyday I wake up with insecure feeling like if my voice is OK today or not.... if I forgot everything about music, if I can do it OK tonight rehearsal.... sort of things.

God will take care of you. You are going to be OK, Naoko!
Good night and see you soon!

Walking companions

On Saturday, I walked with leaves and music by my MP3 player. Thank you for walking along with me.

Thank you for your cute performance!

I went to the St. John divine church to attend the concert by Early American New York last Sunday. On my way there, a squirrel greeted me with its cute performance!

not let it bother myself and enjoy every blessing

There are not only fun but sometimes you should have uncomfortable things, maybe being treated badly, not having a person who was supposed to show up, being shouted by someone who gets mad at somebody else not me, being ignoring by somebody even when you greet to him or her, knowing the fact that you might be under fire for somebody's stress buster. I know I need to be strong. I know I need to be accustomed myself to others' culture here. I know I shouldn't let others bother me. But sometimes I can't. I can't deal with my shaky feelings.


I stopped to have lunch at the Home's dining hall from this week for some reasons. I don't want to write the reason but I somehow got tired of something sad. And couldn't get rid of it. And then I thought I want to get rid of it. I know it is a negative solution but I decided to be away from it for a while even though I was enjoying the conversation with the residents there very much. I'll see what I feel after a while, and then I might be going back there some time. I just wanted to get rid of my worry first.


On Thursday, I had another stressful situation. I was tired of myself being too sensitive about the same situation again and again. Naoko, you have to get used to it and stop crying! I said to myself but couldn't manage it well, no, I think I managed it well somehow. We had a good service. John gave us a wonderful speech. The residents contributed beautiful prayers, singing, comments. They departed there saying, thank you, it was good..... I was just feeling so down inside. My eyes got teary several times during the service and I tried to cheer me up and stopped crying.

There was a man, one of the resident who always shouts "Play the piano! She wants to sing, you play the piano! My mother used to play the piano...!!!" or something like that. He seems to like me and always keeps his place next to my piano at the service. He usually doesn't stop shouting until I play the piano so it's getting annoying to others because he doesn't stop even when the pastor preaches or somebody is praying.

Yesterday, I was surprised because he was quiet. He became quiet, I think, since when he saw my tears. He was there saying nothing but looked at me all the time. When I saw him, he would raise his hand, as if saying hi, Naoko, stop crying, I'm here, and I like you, or something like that. I felt his warmness. I saw him in quiet for the first time. I thought he saw through my mind very well. Thank you for your cheering, Mr.

After the service, a woman, my piano student, approached me, and said, "Naoko, I can imagine what's going on with you. Don't be discouraged. You are playing such an important roll here. Everyone loves you here. I'm sure. God will take care of you all the way. I promise, you will be a very very strong woman when you go back to Japan next year, I'm sure. I know it because I was called "crying baby" when I was young. I cried a lot. When I was dispatched to the Virgin Island, I was alone. I didn't know anyone there. One time, my income from the British government was delayed for three months. I didn't have anyone who helped me. I just had macaroni and sugar, that was it! I survived by them. I cried and cried for many other reasons. But I became so strong after that. I still cry sometimes even now but I'm strong now. You'll be strong. Understand?"

While we were talking, one of the volunteer came and joined our conversation. She is the one who taught me many things on my first day at the nursing home. I love her. She is cheerful and helpful all the times. Every time we remember a resident in the service who passed away recently, she would cry with her heart. She noticed my tears and said "Are you all right? You can talk to me if you like. But you know, my mother died last week and I've had a hard time, too." Then she went on her story about her mother's last time and her having to do mom's funeral. I pressed myself against her and we cried together. My sadness seemed so small compared to hers. We shared our sorrows and had a good time.



My rent for the apartment will raise from December and I have to move out. My landlady is in a difficult situation herself. The economic crisis again!!! She needs more money and my rent is not enough for her to keep her life good. I understand her situation. I understand it. But I can't stop worrying about my life.... and tend to get down since the meeting with her. I might get a place to live soon or even I can't get it soon, it's OK for me to look for a place and take time for a while. It'll be a good experience!

My friend gave me a great expression.
"enjoy each blessing one day at a time, aware that it may be gone tomorrow"

Yes, I should enjoy each blessing one day at a time. I love this!

A meeting at the library

I love the atmosphere at the library. Quiet and peaceful, the librarian are helpful and seem enjoying their job. Last Wednesday, before the vocal lesson, I had time so went to the nearby library. It became my ritual.

When I go to the library, mostly I end up at the young-adult section. I love books for young people, especially the ones for youngsters who struggling with their lives by parents' divorce, discrimination, knowing love for the first time, life adventures.... and so on. I also struggled with my own life when I was young by various reasons, not knowing whether or not my father was alive, my mother's changeable boy friends, having to cook and have almost every meal by myself since I was 10, living away from my mom at the age of 1-10, a difficult relationship with my mother since after living with her. I was saved by people around me. But I assume there are lots of young people who need help right now without having anyone to save them. Even if they seem happy even with smile, they may hide their feeling inside because they don't want to make anyone worry about them or they don't want reveal their family problem, they may think it's normal because they don't know the outside world, others' situation. They might want to think of their family normal and then want to be peaceful although it isa false.

One of my dreams is becoming a translator for English young-adult novels. I want to introduce good English novels to Japanese younger people and encourage them, saying they are not alone, there are many many young people in the world who have similar problems as you. You don't have to worry. If you survive now, as time goes by, a bright light would wait for you with open arms, I want to convey the message by translating good novels for them.


Oh, I went off the track!!
When I was looking at the young-adult novel section on Wednesday, a woman in her late 30's started to talk to me, saying, "Hi, you know, I'm not good at reading. But I know I should read. I want to read. But I can't go on reading. I stop reading every time. Is it a section for youth? That's why I'm here. I thought it's easier for me to read on if I choose one of these books here. But I don't know which one is good for me."

I was so surprised to be talked suddenly. She had a Latino accent. And seemed serious. So I said to her, "I understand. I'm learning English, too. My first language is not English so. Do you like young girl's love stories? Or self-development stories? If so, I have a recommendation for you. I'll show you my favorite author." I took her "W" shelf. My favorite author since I came here is Ellen Wittlinger. I've read five books by her and liked all of them. Her book is not so deadly serious, full of happiness and jokes, but always touches deep issues casually. I like her approach. I recommended one of her book "ZigZag" for the woman. I explained the story and she seemed to like it and said " I think I check out this. I'll check out just one book, you know. And want to read it through." I hope she likes it and finishes reading!

After that, I had a weird feeling. I was like a librarian! Although I'm not an English speaking person, I recommended an English book to a woman who was looking for an easy reading book! It that great, isn't it? I felt happy both for me and for her!


The following is the books I've read since I came here:

1. "Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life" by Wendy Mass

2. "A Mongo-shaped Space" by Wendy Mass

3. "Olive's Ocean" by Kevin Henkes

4." Musicophilia" by Oliver Sacks

5. "The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch　

6. "Freddy Plays Football" by Walter R. Brooks

7. "The NPR Classical Music Companion" by Miles Hoffman

8. "Razzle" by Ellen Wittlinger

9. "Zigzag" by Ellen Wittlinger

10. "A Long Way From Chicago" by Richard Peck

11. "A Year Down Yonder" by Richard Peck

12. "Twisted" by Laurie Halse Anderson

13. "Sandpiper" by Ellen Wittlinger

14. "Soon and very soon" by Sherryle Kiser Jackson

15. "Sold" by Patricia McCormick

16. "Parrotfish" by Ellen Wittlinger

17 . "Hard Love" by Ellen Wittlinger


And now I started to read "The Rules of Survival" by Nancy Werlin. It's about three children who have an evil mother and survives their life by getting a clue from their mother's boyfriend, who later broke up with the mother and became an ex-boyfriend, Murdoch. I'm enjoying the book very much.

Friendships with young people

I've been having a good relationship not only with elderly people but also with young people since I came here over six months ago.


At the Columbia University choir, the Collegium Musicum, I sing with students. Most of them are not music major ones. I've been surprised how talented they are. Unfortunately, since they are busy for various reasons, the attendance is not so good, but we've improved little by little and our concert is less than a month away. I always look forward to seeing them in every rehearsal on Monday and Wednesday.


I started to audit another school's class since last Monday. This is a choral conducting class. There are only six students. I hope I can build a good friendship with them from now on. Last Monday, I was a little bit nervous for my first visit there. There were three student at that time. I was surprised to see that two of them are from Asia, my region, Korea! All of them were friendly and smiled at me. Choral conducting is one of the several things I really wanted to learn for years. I join this class to sing for the conducting by the students. I saw a big improvement in each student after getting the teacher's suggestions. It was amazing! Can't wait to join the next class. I'm very lucky to have this opportunity during my stay here. I don't want miss a class. I have stay well and keep a good condition so that I can contribute my singing to them in a best condition.


Also, I started to have a good friendship with twin boys who live next door to my apartment. Since I moved there, our relationship had been just like greeting each other. The change occurred when one them got injured his arm last month. I heard he had a surgery and felt very sorry for him. So I made a dozen of paper cranes as my wish for his quick recovery. They liked the cranes and another boy asked me to teach how to make it. I made a instruction models, following the several procedural steps. He tried to do it by himself at first, made a good effort, and the time came for me to visit him one night. We fixed the date for Tuesday night since I have no rehearsal that night. We've got together for two times until now. I like the time with them. We not only do the cranes but talk with each other. They told me they are working on their school paper project. I asked what was the main topic. The topic was the budget cutting! Oh, economy crisis is here, too! They told me it mostly affects the art subject, such as concert opportunities, movie going, museum visiting and so forth. Their lunch service may have been affected. I was so sad to hear that. One of them play the piano and sing beautifully, too. At the first meeting night, I was a little bit nervous because the following day was my vocal lesson and I had had a bad result at the previous lesson. I was not confident with my singing at that time. I confessed my feeling to him. He said to me "Naoko, you are an excellent singer, I can tell. I hear your practicing sometimes, and I know." I was very very encouraged by his words. At the next meeting, I told him that the lesson went very well and my teacher gave me a good comment. Then he said, "I told you that you are an excellent singer!" I think we became good friends now and I love them!

A song for this period

I've been working on a trio piece by Schutz, "Rorate coeli desuper"

The lyric goes like this:

"Rorate coeli desuper et nubes pluant justum"
(Drop down dew, ye heavens, from above, and let the clouds rain the just),

"Aperiatur terra et germinet salvatorem"
(Let the earth be opened and send forth a Saviour").

What a suitable piece for today's situation. As I've been singing this again and again, the election day is closer. And now, just three days away. We may see the historical result. Can "He" save the world-wide economic crisis? I am invited to my friend's apartment, where tens of people will gather together and see the result. I feel privileged to be here in such a special time.

improvement!!

I had my third vocal lesson on Wednesday.

For the past two weeks, I had been trying my best to improve my singing. I kept diary only about music. I wrote each day about what I felt with my body, throat, mouth, face, lyrics, melody, pitch, color of voice, diaphragm etc. , what I found new, what I realized something was wrong or correct..... everything. Sometimes I recorded my singing experiments. I would say, "this time, I will care about only breathing." then sang some phrase and listened to it later, and another time I would say in the beginning of the recording, "this time I would care about only relaxing my jaw." and recorded singing and listened to it later so that I can compare which way was successful and which way was not.

I practiced breathing using my diaphragm as much as possible as I relaxed the other parts of my body. I did it on the street, on the train, on the bed..... everywhere. For the first week or so, I couldn't get how to do it. My breathing was always shallow and I didn't know which part I should have used.... or anything. But one day, one time, my body responded to my will somehow, I thought, "Is that it?" and I tried to do the same way again and again, and wrote down what I intended to do at that time to the music diary.

One time, I was totally stuck. Then I thought, "OK, this time, I forget everything! I won't care how high or low the note is, weather or not my pitch is precise or something. I will sing a song!!" And recorded some phrase. Surprisingly it somehow worked.

On Wednesday, on my way to my teacher's, I was wavering. I was not confident, I expected I could have been worse than the last lesson. On the other hand, I felt I was stronger in some ways. I started to think that I had to be tough. "I'm going to perform before my loving teacher. I should totally rely on her. I have my music. I should show her what I've been trying in the past two weeks. Naoko, you will be OK! Having time with such a wonderful musician should be fun!"

Then...... I buzzed my teacher's door bell.

And it went..... well!! My teacher said to me I improved a lot especially with breathing! We worked on Bach duet piece. It was amazing. She has a magic. Every part was difficult and touch to deal with until then. She solved every problem, language, melody, breathing, flow of music, how to use my energy efficiently, and everything. It totally changed. There were moments I felt so comfortable with singing that day. I was very very happy with that.

She suggested me several new things. I have to work on these things and really want to improve myself more. It's really tough to change yourself, the way you have been doing it for so long. You have to deceive yourself somehow, mesmerize yourself to adopt new ways. My body respond in a wrong way every time and I get down..... I know it's tough but some bright lights wait for me and I will enjoy music more and more if I could achieve it.



++++++++++++++;
This has a following story. I was so happy right after the lesson and I was so hopeful next day on my way to the choir rehearsal. I expected I would sing better using things I got in the previous day. But it went bad! I couldn't sing well at all! I was so disappointed with myself. Then I realized that I hadn't learned about the pieces well enough and got nervous about the pitch, notes, and pronunciation..... Then I started to have a sore throat again Thursday night and it didn't go away on Friday..... It's Saturday today and I can't practice my singing but I can at least practice breathing, pronunciation, and language or anything other than singing, right? You can't do anything in one day. I'll continue to do my best!

A burial and hospital visit

I had another special experience yesterday.

A woman passed away at my nursing home last week. Usually, if family holds the funeral in some place then there is nothing we can do for the dead resident. If the family can do the funeral and asks us to be there, we would be there. If there is no family but the resident had enough money to do his or her own funeral, then there would be a funeral and some staff or residents would attend the funeral.

This time, she had family but they had no money to hold her funeral, I suppose. The body was brought to the funeral home from the hospital where she ended her life. There was a visiting time on Sunday when the coffin was opened and her family or friends could come and said good by for her. When I heard this I was afraid if she had no one seeing her there. But the funeral home staff told us that around 25 people came to see her. I thought it was great. Then I realized even she had such many people who loved her so much and came to see her all the way to the funeral home, they couldn't afford to hold the funeral for her, also they might have to work on Monday so nobody could be at her burial. Even their family passed away, they couldn't have a day off on Monday. Life is not easy.

Anyway, Pastor Ieva and I went to the funeral home in the morning. We went to the room where her body was and sing a hymn and prayed for her. The coffin was opened. I could tell from her face that she now had no pain and peaceful. After a while we took a cab to the cemetery with the funeral car.

It was my first time to be at a burial. In Japan everybody must be cremated. It's decided in law. So when we bury the dead person, it's always the ashes. For me, it was so special to see the coffin was buried. I expected I would have had a sad feeling there. But it was not. We had a small service. Just Ieva and me, the driver from the funeral home and three of the cemetery staff were there. Ieva prayed and I sang a song for her. The weather was beautiful. I was gradually feeling better to see the beautiful green there, to see the good work by the staff there. I interviewed to the staff. The longest worker has been working for 35 years! Remarkable. Such an important job there are doing for us! They seemed to be proud of their job and a kind of enjoyed doing it in a good meaning. I felt just happy to see good people and to see that we would have such a wonderful place and wonderful people in the end of our lives. Ieva took a photo of the staff and me, then I told them that I came from Japan and it was good to see them. They liked my singing and was so nice to us.

Although it was a sad event, I can say I had a good time there. Ieva and me enjoyed walking there after a while, seeing grave stones there as we were imagining each person's precious life. There are such wonderful people doing a remarkable job in each place where we usually don't pay much attention. Thank you for your great job!


On our way home, we visited the hospital to see several residents there. We made a long chat with one of them. She has a heart problem and might have to have a minor surgery to put some material in her heart to keep her heart well. She said she was scared and didn't know if she should do it or not. We prayed together handing our hands. Tear came down as I pray for her. I understood her fear. It was difficult for me to pray in English, I didn't know what to say, but I just ask for God's help..... for her.


At lunch time, on the subway, on the street, all the way I enjoyed talking with Ieva. Our conversation always goes deep and deep.... like to a mental world. I felt there is no secret between us and felt so secure with her even our relationship was just a 6-month old, and our native language is different!



*********************************
Today I had a rehearsal with the pianist for the up-coming small concert at my friend's apartment on Nov. 1st. I'm singing a duet from Bach cantata 99 with my friend, Rita. I love her voice. She has such a lovely voice. It'll be our fourth time to sing together. I'm so lucky to have her as my duet partner.



Tomorrow will be my third vocal lesson. I hope I will do better this time!
Oh it's time to go to sleep now. Good night!

Osaka's local foods

I found the article about Osaka's local food, Takoyaki, on NYT. I know this vendor, Kogaryu! Another local food I want to recommend is Okonomiyaki. If you have a chance to come to Osaka, You should try it!!




Actually, they would be much more popular than Sushi, in Osaka!




I've been doing all right. Every day is a sgruggling but worth doing it!