There are not only fun but sometimes you should have uncomfortable things, maybe being treated badly, not having a person who was supposed to show up, being shouted by someone who gets mad at somebody else not me, being ignoring by somebody even when you greet to him or her, knowing the fact that you might be under fire for somebody's stress buster. I know I need to be strong. I know I need to be accustomed myself to others' culture here. I know I shouldn't let others bother me. But sometimes I can't. I can't deal with my shaky feelings.
I stopped to have lunch at the Home's dining hall from this week for some reasons. I don't want to write the reason but I somehow got tired of something sad. And couldn't get rid of it. And then I thought I want to get rid of it. I know it is a negative solution but I decided to be away from it for a while even though I was enjoying the conversation with the residents there very much. I'll see what I feel after a while, and then I might be going back there some time. I just wanted to get rid of my worry first.
On Thursday, I had another stressful situation. I was tired of myself being too sensitive about the same situation again and again. Naoko, you have to get used to it and stop crying! I said to myself but couldn't manage it well, no, I think I managed it well somehow. We had a good service. John gave us a wonderful speech. The residents contributed beautiful prayers, singing, comments. They departed there saying, thank you, it was good..... I was just feeling so down inside. My eyes got teary several times during the service and I tried to cheer me up and stopped crying.
There was a man, one of the resident who always shouts "Play the piano! She wants to sing, you play the piano! My mother used to play the piano...!!!" or something like that. He seems to like me and always keeps his place next to my piano at the service. He usually doesn't stop shouting until I play the piano so it's getting annoying to others because he doesn't stop even when the pastor preaches or somebody is praying.
Yesterday, I was surprised because he was quiet. He became quiet, I think, since when he saw my tears. He was there saying nothing but looked at me all the time. When I saw him, he would raise his hand, as if saying hi, Naoko, stop crying, I'm here, and I like you, or something like that. I felt his warmness. I saw him in quiet for the first time. I thought he saw through my mind very well. Thank you for your cheering, Mr.
After the service, a woman, my piano student, approached me, and said, "Naoko, I can imagine what's going on with you. Don't be discouraged. You are playing such an important roll here. Everyone loves you here. I'm sure. God will take care of you all the way. I promise, you will be a very very strong woman when you go back to Japan next year, I'm sure. I know it because I was called "crying baby" when I was young. I cried a lot. When I was dispatched to the Virgin Island, I was alone. I didn't know anyone there. One time, my income from the British government was delayed for three months. I didn't have anyone who helped me. I just had macaroni and sugar, that was it! I survived by them. I cried and cried for many other reasons. But I became so strong after that. I still cry sometimes even now but I'm strong now. You'll be strong. Understand?"
While we were talking, one of the volunteer came and joined our conversation. She is the one who taught me many things on my first day at the nursing home. I love her. She is cheerful and helpful all the times. Every time we remember a resident in the service who passed away recently, she would cry with her heart. She noticed my tears and said "Are you all right? You can talk to me if you like. But you know, my mother died last week and I've had a hard time, too." Then she went on her story about her mother's last time and her having to do mom's funeral. I pressed myself against her and we cried together. My sadness seemed so small compared to hers. We shared our sorrows and had a good time.
My rent for the apartment will raise from December and I have to move out. My landlady is in a difficult situation herself. The economic crisis again!!! She needs more money and my rent is not enough for her to keep her life good. I understand her situation. I understand it. But I can't stop worrying about my life.... and tend to get down since the meeting with her. I might get a place to live soon or even I can't get it soon, it's OK for me to look for a place and take time for a while. It'll be a good experience!
My friend gave me a great expression.
"enjoy each blessing one day at a time, aware that it may be gone tomorrow"
Yes, I should enjoy each blessing one day at a time. I love this!
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