communicating doesn't mean understanding

I was thinking about this a lot yesterday.

For the past few days, my singing practice hasn't been working well and I cannot trust my ears, I hate my music, voice, timber, tuning, everything. Then I even think I should stop singing at all, maybe not now but after going back to Japan...? Because it is too hard. Yesterday, suddenly, I got sick and tired of putting any effort on music, an evil thinking! I thought, "Maybe I have bad bad ears and I never recognize good from bad, then I cannot improve myself at all, I cannot be a good musician at all."


Then I thought, how other people hear their own voices? By their inner ears, or by recording of their voices?

Then I thought, oh, I never know how other people feel about it because I cannot become others.

Then I thought, it's so sad somehow.

We communicate with each other, sometimes, desperately, to understand each other.
We spend hours, days, months, years, or for life, to understand people we love.
Sadly, we cannot truly understand anybody.

The fact saddened me.

One of the reasons I started to learn English language is to communicate with not only people who speak my language, Japanese, but also people who speak one of the major languages, English.

The more I learn English, the more I feel a limit which I feel I can never overcome.
I believe my English has improved somehow since I started to learn it.
But I am often told that my pronunciation or tone doesn't blend with other singers maybe because my mother tongue is different from others. Then I see the darkness.
Yes, it's natural and I maybe cannot get rid of my accent.
I feel so sad..... that makes me want to stop everything I'm doing now.

When you love something a lot, and put lots of effort on it,
You'd feel a big wall and get overwhelmed.
I know I am thinking too much.
I should take everything easier.
I know.


But I believe,
Thinking a lot about something teaches me.


I thought, yesterday,
we never truly understand others because we cannot become others,
Compassion might be the most difficult feeling to have.
But we should never give up to understand others,
We shouldn't.
When we give it up,
The world would become so cold.....

I don't give it up.
So I should continue to communicate with people.
I should not stop it.

Then I shouldn't stop music also?
I don't know the answer yet.

Why I make a relation between music and communication?
Maybe because I think playing music is a great way of communication, great when it goes well.
Then I would think if my playing music is a good communication or not..... then ..... not sure about it.


I hope I can find a good answer.