When you feel strong, you feel like you want to have a conversation with someone. For me, "Strong" can be "happy", "positive", "motivated", or "remembering loves towards people around you". To have a further converstaion, you might need to reveal your weakness sometimes.
This week, I had two conversations which now remain in my deep mind.
On Tuesday, I visited Mr. D's room before lunch time. He always stays in his room. He watches TV almost always. He seems to like being alone. I have rarely seen him in the day-room. I had talked with him several times before, but never had a deep conversation. I don't remember how it went but we started to talk about the time when we lose our motivation. Maybe I asked him how his physical therapy was going, he said it was going fine but not significant. And I remembered that I lost my energy to walk to the second closest subway station, which is only 15-minute walking distance from my place, after a few weeks of the workshop. I started to regain my energy just last weekend or so. This Tuesday morning, I realized that my feet moved forward by themselves and I felt like walking even to the next station of the second closest station. I talked about my story to him, and confessed, that I couldn't feel like talking to anyone after the workshop because I was too tired, I even shut the office door for a few hours even when I was back at the Home, then now I regained my energy both physically and mentally so I have a conversation with him and was so glad with it.
He started to talk about his weakness, saying, "I understand, I understand...." . He used to live with his elder sister, just two of them. He was told that he muscle was getting weakened and needed to be hospitalized. It was last year. He was so shocked to hear that. But he believed he could came back and lived with his sister again. He was hospitalized and moved to this Home a few months ago. I don't know his physical condition in details. I can tell his muscle is weak because he can't walk well and can't speak clearly. He spoke slowly but it actually helped me to understand his words. His slowness made me somehow secure. I could ask him to say the words again when I couldn't catch his words. He continued. His sister visits him often and express her loneliness. She wants him to come home soon. Yes, he wants to come home, too. He said he sometimes can't be positive. He sometimes loses energy to walk, to try hard. His eyes got filled with fluids..... It made me sad. I said, "I can understand your mind, a little bit....." I really hope his condition becomes better and live with his sister again as soon as possible. I said
We need to be healthy both physically and mentally to live positively.
On Thursday's lunch time, I made a round each table at the main dining room as usual. Most of the conversation was just greeting, saying "How are you today?" "I'm find and you?" "I'm fine, too" "Take care!", "It's a beautiful day today!" or something like that. I would make a longer conversation to several people who are willing to talk .
This time, I want to write about Ms. F. When I saw her first time, she seemed so weak. Her back was bended. She often coughed and can't digest food well. After lunch, she prefer going outside, to the Patio, and enjoy the sunshine. or if it's too hot or cold, she is at the hallway, in front of the elevators, and see people passing by. I usually say to her, "Hello, how are you?" shaking her hand. First time, I was surprised to see her grip strength is so strong! We shake our hands and exchange greetings, that's all, most of the times. One day, maybe around two months ago, when we have a cold meal, she said, "I am a German, so I don't eat a cold meal." It was the longest words I had ever heard she spoke at that time.
I remember, this Tuesday when I greeted her, she said, "you were not here yesterday, you are a bad girl!" I said, "Yes, I took a day off yesterday, I'm sorry, yes I'm a bad girl!"
Next day, Wednesday, I said, "Hi, I'm here! I'm a good girl today, right? Tell me I'm a good girl!" She said, "yes, you are a good girl!" I was glad we had a good daily phrase to exchange.
Then Thursday, after saying a "you are a good girl!" phrase, she started to talk. Our conversation went like this:
"I'm tired."
"Why?"
"I'm too old"
"No, you are not too old. You have much times left in your life!"
"No, I'm 93 years old. Too old. I'm tired to live."
"Don't say that. I'm glad you are here. You are here to make people happy because I feel happy you are here."
"My grandfather died 81 years old. I'm too old. I don't want to live any more. I lived too long. I'm tired."
"Oh, you overlived your grand father. You should be proud of yourself! I know people here who are elder than you. I think you are not the eldest here. And listen, if you had passed away, let's say a few years ago, we could haven't met each other. It's sad. I'm so glad we could meet each other. "
She smiled silently. She wanted to tell something to me. I was glad she talked to me about her deep feeling. Now, I want to know her life. Where she was born? What was her childhood like? What was her young hood like? I want to talk with her more. I want to know her 93-year-long life more.
I realized that, in my daily life at the Home, I make a longer conversation with certain people. With other people, I tend to exchange just greetings. I want to expand the possibility to have a longer conversation with more people. I shouldn't give up.
For the past week, we lost two women who regularly come to the Adult Day Health Care Center. We are going to have a memorial service for them next Tuesday. Also we lost other two residents who lived at the nursing home. One of them, Mr. C had no family, Ieva told me that. We visited him at the hospital in June. He seemed small at the time but his voice was strong enough to shout out to complain that people were not kind enough to him or he really wanted to come to the Home. He was joking around. He said he could teach me a "good" English. I asked him to teach me. At first, I thought he is a scary person, but my impression changed after we talked together for a while. He was a good person. I felt sad when I heard his death. I want to attend his funeral, maybe some day next week.
Our life is limited. We can't do everything. Sometimes you feel a life is too short, some times you might feel it's too long, because it's unpredictable, it's a mystery somehow. I don't know what to explain but mixed feelings going around in my mind this week.
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