peace of mind

I need peace of mind.


When I'm discouraged,
When I'm disappointed with my ability,
When I cannot trust myself,
When I hate myself,
When I feel I'm in a wrong place,
When I think of parting,
When I feel I'm useless,
When I feel I disturb everyone,

I need peace in my mind.


And I'm so lucky because I always have someone to help me get back peace of mind.

A colleague of C4 choir e-mailed me with beautiful words, that encouraged me and helped me feel again that I can sing among them,
My voice teacher e-mailed me with encouraging words, that made me think that I can learn from mistakes, from something went wrong,
A friend listened to all of my stories and would say "I understand you, Naoko", that soothed me,
A church friend just said to me, "feel well, Naoko", and I felt better already,
A friend from the workshop e-mailed me with a lot of warm expressions, that made me feel I'm not alone,
A passenger just smiled at me when I said to her, "after you!", that made me feel not only my friends but also all people I pass by are there with open arms,


Since the workshop, I've been having a lot of struggling with my personality, my singing, my cold (again!!), my life......

Now there is beautiful peace in my mind.
Now I'm ready to enjoy every music I play, including singing at the C4 concert tonight.
Now I can say I love music a lot.
Now I can say I'm having a wonderful life here.

I'm ready!

hello from Brattleboro!

I'm in Brattleboro, Vermont now!!
I got up 6 in the morning and got to the office 8:30 then load all the stuff to the van we rented.
We have over 30 singers this time are singing for the next three days. I helped the registration. Although I couldn't do it so well, people were kind and forgiving, it helped me a lot!

Both the participants and local people enjoyed the concert by The Western Wind a lot and had a reception afterward. I learned a lot from them already. They sounded great.

I don't know if I can do it well or not this time. But I'm ready to enjoy it!


I'm so sleepy.... just wanted to let my friends know I'm fine.


Today's highlight was when I came out from the church after the reception, I saw beautiful stars in the sky. It was really amazing!!! I want to see the stars again tomorrow night after having a wonderful musical day......


Good night!

singing, playing and conducting .....

I had such a musical time last weekend.

On Saturday, I sang a duet from Bach cantata 99 with Rita. We had sung together several times before. We became good duet partners. This time we chose such a challenging piece for us. When we started our rehearsal last fall, we could not sing it very well. We couldn't be united so well. Then the performance was postponed due to the pianist's breaking her hip bone. We were disappointed with the postponement. However, when we restarted our rehearsal in January, we found we improved a lot with singing it! Then we were more together than the last time!

After the performance, one of our friends came to me saying "Naoko and Rita were together all the time, especially your melisma was so beautifully together. I was impressed with it a lot!" I was so glad to hear that. Actually, I had a cold and didn't feel well that day. I couldn't hear my voice and thought it sounded funny and not good at all. But I tried to trust myself and just concentrate on our being together, building music together, saying the words together.... I was glad my intention was reached to the audience!

I was impressed with other singers' performances a lot! Some sang a Bach aria with the flute played by her daughter. There were a lot other pieces that were sung by hearts.... We were filled with lovely music that night.



On Sunday, I played many challenging roles in my church service. It was called "Choir Sunday" so the service was directed by our music director, Pam.

I played the piano for an offertory and doxology.
I played the organ for several hymns during the organist's preach.
And the most challenging thing for me that day was conducting the choir's piece. Usually we don't have a conductor. We have just a pianist,Pam, and sing with her accompaniment. However, this time, we had lots of complicated entrances, dynamics and mood changes. Pam and I talked about how we could make people feel better with singing it. A week ago, we thought about several patterns. I should play the piano part? Or I could conduct? We tried them.... and decided that Pam would play the piano and I would try to conduct.

I was not sure till that day if people feel comfortable to have a conductor since they usually didn't have one. I prepared for it, make music, practiced showing cues, breathing, dynamics and so on.

To my joy, people sang it so beautifully in the end! During the rehearsal, when some member asked about the note or rhythm, another member said, "Look at Naoko! She shows us everything!" something like that. I was so glad to hear that. Then everyone gradually looked at me and breathed with me, eventually we played music altogether, with a great joy! Ieva later told me that everyone seemed very confident and to sing so joyfully. That was great! I felt really happy while I was conducting because people were singing so spiritually. I was so impressed with their singing and I felt so happy that I could be helpful. I'll never forget this day.



I have to admit that I was so exhausted when I got home.....!! But it was a good kind of exhaustion!
I had such a musical time.


And..... I will have another musical time next weekend! I'm joining The Western Wind Winter Wonderland Workshop in BrattleBoro, Vermont! I very much look forward to seeing wonderful singers there and having a great time together. I have to get over my cold till then.... I will!

They taught me....

My husband sent me a sound file yesterday. It was a recording by the senior choir members I was teaching in Japan and currently my husband teaches them for me. They are having a performance at the city cultural festival in the beginning of February.

I was deeply impressed by their singing. It taught me a lot.
They were singing in their language, which means in MY language. Their words came into my mind so directly. Rang the bell.

I've been singing a lot of pieces since I came to NY last spring but rarely have had a chance to sing any in my language. As a result, even I would try to think of the meaning while I sing, I tend to care too much about the rhythm, melody, pitch, etc.

I'm performing a Bach duet this coming Saturday at a small concert. It's a challenging piece. I've been struggling with it and was thinking everything was going wrong with my singing..... lately. But the recording taught me that I should more care about the meaning of the piece. I should understand every word while I sing it. I'll work on it today. I'll try to make it best until the last minute.

They taught me one more important thing. They sounded so joyfully. Singing is a joy!



Whenever I get stuck, some gift would be sent to me and save me. I'm so fortunate.

I cried because....

When I was looking for lyrics for the composition assignment by the conducting class teacher, I found an impressive expression:
"I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet"

Though I didn't use this for my composition, this expression stayed in my mind.
Yesterday, I had a situation similar to this.


I was crying yesterday. For nothing. For small things.
I felt insecure, about everything, about my music, my voice, my life here and there,
I felt sad, about everything, about .......

I couldn't stop myself so I left the office and went to the bathroom downstairs.
I entered a room and shut the door, started to sob, like a baby! (don't laugh at me!)
Then somebody started to talk..... in a very loud voice.
I didn't know who it was.

The voice was talking about her life.
How she was doing OK in 90's.
She had a good job, good income.
She had her family.
Her husband was doing great at that time.

Then she lost her job.
Her husband spent all the money and left.
She was talking and talking.....
She didn't understand why her life went wrong.....
When it started to go wrong... .
She doesn't believe it was her fault.

I opened the door and came out, standing before the mirror.
I washed my face.
A miserable face was in the mirror.

The voice was coming out from another room.
She was speaking to herself.
I could tell she is a homeless.

I felt as if she was encouraging me while I felt sorry for her.
"Don't cry about such small things. You won't die from them, right?"
I felt she was speaking to me like this.


Yes. That's right!


Maybe I was a little bit tired.
Maybe I was a little bit overwhelmed.
Maybe I was thinking too much about many things.


I'll be all right.

music in the chapel service and a piano lesson afterward

I went to the nursing home for the first time since new year. The current pastor was not there so she asked Ieva to sub her. Ieva asked me to help her. I thought it would be a good opportunity for me to see the residents again.


Since I stopped going there, The residents' faces appeared in my mind and would greet to me. I often felt guilty stopping going there without any notice to them. Or I simply doubt my decision to stop doing it was right or wrong..... My mind was wandering around since then even though I feel happy with my new life involved a lot in music.

I went to Ieva's place and we took the subway together. As we were heading to the Home, I felt odd. I felt the Home so far away, not in terms of distance, but in terms of my mind-set. I felt the Home a different place. And at the same time, it was exactly the same. And I felt even at home somehow.

People greeted me. Some told me they had missed me, saying they would love to have me again, including my music class.

The chapel service was lovely. Ieva asked each resident what they had in their mind to say to God. Some sang, others prayed, or said something. All of the words were impressive, yet I didn't become emotional until I saw my piano student. I know She had missed me a lot. I felt especially guilty for her. But I tried not to be upset. I tried to concentrate on the music.

I played the "Precious Lord" for the first Hymn, which is my favorite among the songbook. Ms. Paul sang beautifully in French, Ms. Robert sang spiritually... Mr. Johnson prayed energetically as always, Mr. Thurmond talked about his childhood memory enthusiastically. And Mr. Harris, who loves music especially the piano playing, talked to me all the time during the service, "Play the piano, she wants to sing, play the piano with her! I haven't seen you for a long time. Where were you? Where were you for such a long time. You should play the piano!"

I loved all the people there. I realized how much I loved them. Then I thought, even so, I cannot go back there as a regular volunteer. I cannot tell why. Just I thought so.

I decided to think of this, God gave me a time for prepare for our parting. Before coming here, I was not sure whether I could build a good relationship with them, or whether they would accept me. After a while I started to work there, I already began to feel I would miss them terribly after saying good bye. I was imagining how hard it would be when my going back to Japan, the time to say good bye to them. Now, I am in NY and don't have to say good bye to them. I can visit them anytime I want, and also I reduced my visit so that I can have a slight distance from them...... I can think of it sadly but also positively.


After the service, I talked my deep thoughts only to my piano student. She said, "thank you for sharing, Naoko. This is helpful to me. I'll pray for you. You can visit me anytime, I'll be glad with it!" After chatting, we had a piano lesson. It was a glovely time.


I think there would be a chance or several times for me to do the same role. I look forward to seeing them next time!

Taking a cab in NYC

On Wednesday, I was told to escort a woman, who is an adviser for the office, to her assisted living place. After work, we took a cab and got in together. It was my first experience to get in the cab in NYC for this stay. I didn't know I had to shut the door. In Japan, you don't have to do it. The door will be open and close automatically by the driver. It was a van type cab. The driver told me to push down the red button and shut it. I tried but it was not good enough. The driver said, "Do it strongly! Slam the door!" Oh I can slam the door! Usually it's considered to be rude to slam the door. I did it strongly then it was shut eventually. The driver said, smiling, "Good job!"

Then when we got off, I had use a credit card to pay the fare. There was a machine. The driver told me how to use it. I swipe the card, then failed, did it again, it was successful! Then I have to decide how many percent of tip to give him, I asked the adviser lady to decide, she pushed 25 %, then the receipt finally came out!

I said to the driver, "It took time for you to teach me, I'm sorry." He said, "No, no, sometime it'd take much more time for others to understand it. Or sometime, the machine doesn't work well at all, it's really annoying, but you are very good!" I was glad to be told that!


There are lots of things I don't know in NYC!

sacred time

I love my vocal lessons a lot.
When I started it, it was really hard to follow my teacher's instructions.
I struggled and wandered every now and then.
I became desperate sometimes.
One day, I noticed how much I improved by listening to the past lesson's recordings.

When I realized I started to feel our lesson as a sacred time.
I don't know since when...
Maybe after having a hard time in my life here and was seeing for some hope, or maybe not because of it.
I feel so happy that I can learn so many things from her, or during the time learning music with her.
When I'm in the lesson, I feel as if I was in a different world, where everything is pure and beautiful.

Preparation for each lesson is not so easy.
Required a lot of work.
Sometimes even if I put a lot of effort, I fail to be better.
My direction for being better would be wrong....
But I believe it's better than doing nothing.
I don't want to be afraid of making mistakes.
It's worth doing it.

My teacher keeps encouraging me.
She understands how much I work hard.
She never gives up to make the music improve in any ways.
She herself doesn't spare any effort for making her music better.
Most of all, she loves music a lot.

I like her way very much.
I'm very fortunate to have her as my teacher, or I should say as my mentor.

I thank God to let us meet.
I have been given so many gifts from God.
I am so fortunate.

I want to share my fortunes to everybody I'll be meeting for the rest of my life.
So that I can remember my fortunes forever.
I am so fortunate.

counting

I count the remaining days being here.
Sometimes I even cannot sleep well when I think of it.
What I can do for the rest of the days?
What am I going to do after going back to Japan?
As the time comes near, I think of how I can make the transition, both mentally and practically.
It is very destractive.
I want to be stable but I cannot be stable about it.

Yes, I can see my loved people again who are waiting for me.
My husband, my family, my friends, the member of my choir, and my kitties.
It's really exciting.
Yes, should be exciting.


Then I imagine how much I would miss my precious friends I've been establishing a rapport here.

I should not count it any more.
I should enjoy the each blessing time without thinking of how many more times I can have it.
I should think of how wonderful it would be that I can share all of my joyful experiences with my precious people in Japan when I go back there.
It should be exciting.
Yes, it should be.

having a break

After talking to my friends, thinking about it a lot, I decided not to go there for a while. I called them that I cannot be there for a while because of my private matter, yes, this is my private matter, nobody's fault.

Now, I feel much better. I'll do something else. Maybe focus on music for a while. Then when I have free time and when I feel like seeing the residents, I can visit them as a friend of them. Not a bad idea, I think.


So don't worry about me, my friend!


It's snowing today, I should keep warm, and have fun!
Have a nice weekend, everyone!